Two Years Without A Question
by I Am Not Amused
Summary: INCOMPLETE After two and a half years, I finally update. Chapter 18 now up. A tale about finding what it is you want, and having the courage to take it. Very fluffy. [Squinoa]
1. Prolouge

I'm terrified.  
  
Of course I am.  
  
There are so many positions I've been thrust to unwillingly, leader of an elite mercenary group, only hope of the free world, the new title of 'hero,' but I accepted them. They were a product of my actions. I couldn't change them, and I didn't want to, because I never second-guessed the things I had done. But the scariest position I've ever been in is the one I've accepted willingly. The one I've accepted willingly.  
  
Her enthusiasm was contagious from the beginning. From the first time I saw her, she got me to smile. She didn't know me, yet she knew me perfectly. Sometimes I wonder how it happened, but there is no certain moment. When she was unconscious, it became so clear. But when had it happened before that? I don't know. I had always kept any of those emotions carefully guarded, even from myself. But when I saw her lying there, unable to respond, unable to move.  
  
I carried her on my fucking back from Fisherman's Horizon to Esthar. I snuck away, hoping and praying that for once that my friends would leave let me do this alone. I couldn't admit my feelings for her to them. But when I saw them, waiting for me patiently, I realized I didn't have to admit anything. They already knew. Seems I'm always the last to know these things.  
  
I'm terrified.  
  
Of course I am.  
  
I'm terrified things will change suddenly. There is a voice in the back of my head screaming at how stupid this is. How she's going to leave. How she's going to die. How she's just going to disappear one day. It's the same voice that kept those feelings for her carefully guarded. Constructing more and more elaborate barriers around my soul, cliché as that sounds. For the first time in my life, I tell the voice to shut the hell up.  
  
This is the voice that's kept me from any joy in my life. I'm seventeen years old, and with that whole 'being the commander of the most powerful military force on the planet' and 'being the savior of said planet' thing, I've not had a real chance to be that age. When Rinoa told me that I was a teenager, to act like one for a change, I laughed silently at her. But, the more I think about it now; I realize how right she was. I do need to be a teenager, if only for a little while.  
  
Not that I'd know where to begin. I never had a childhood, I never had an adolescence, how the hell am I supposed to be a teenager? But that's old habits dying hard. I have friends who understand, I have friends who are teenagers and who are willing to act like it, but still know when it's time to grow up. I used to look at them having fun and think they were acting like fools, now I realize that I was the stupid one the whole time.  
  
I'm terrified.  
  
Of course I am.  
  
But I have help.  
  
And that's enough to make me smile.  
  
------------------------  
  
I look at him, and I realize he's off in his own little world.  
  
Not that I mind, because the wistful smile on his face let's me know that wherever he is, it's not that think-tank state where his emotions are bottled up and every scar looks like it's burning a hole on his body. We are both just content in this moment, to stay in each other's silences until something needs to be said. And, right now, nothing needs to be said. Because we're communicating perfectly without words.  
  
'Deja vu.' I think, as the strains of the song of our first and, thus far and unfortunately, our only dance strike up in the background. I don't know if Squall hears it, because his eyes are a million miles away, counting stars. But his entire body seems to relax as it begins and I know his ears are right here.  
  
And then, just to complete this perfect fairy-tale image, a falling star comes out of the sky, burning for a few scant moments across both of our visions. I turn to him, my finger pointed in the air. He understands immediately turning to me, his smile growing wider. My heart almost stops right there, he was always handsome. His brown hair fell in just the right ways around his face; his eyes were always beautiful, always letting me in little by little, no matter how much he fought against it. But that smile, one I had never seen bloom full, simply completes it.  
  
"Kiss me." The words come out of my mouth before I even have any time to think logically about them.  
  
Confusion crosses his features for a second, but only for a second. "Okay," he says in typical dryness and I would start laughing except for the fact that he does kiss me and my mind shuts down. It wasn't a passionate make- out kiss, but his body just fit so well against mine and his taste and smell and feel just made me feel so...home, I couldn't concentrate. He pulls away uncertainly, searching my features. My eyes flutter open gradually.  
  
"Wow," is all I can muster.  
  
I laugh silently to myself. I had so much to say to him. Questions and statements prepared to help him understand how I felt and to help me understand how he felt and all I could come up with after that simple, yet admittedly breathtaking kiss was 'Wow.' He did it without question, without hesitation, and not just because I asked him to, but because he wanted to, too.  
  
"You liked that as much as I did, didn't you?" He asks me, and I laugh. It wasn't that funny, but sometimes something is so...true that you just have to laugh at how right it sounds.  
  
"Maybe a little more, you're still standing under your own power." I smile back at him, still trying to get my legs under me a little better. I hear him chuckle a bit, not in the arrogant way Seifer might have if I had let him kiss me back when I was only sixteen, but just enough to let me know that what just happened was a product of genuine emotion, not hormonal bragging rights.  
  
As I regain my composure, his arms slowly, reluctantly glide off of my body. The warmth of his body leaves mine and, as I put my hands back on the railing, my body shivers suddenly. An involuntary action, but one that catches his immediate attention. He moves behind me, placing his arms over mine until his fingers are entwined with mine over the railing. I feel his breath playing with my hair and sending shuddering reactions through my facial muscles.  
  
"I'm terrified." His words come out gently, but they quiver ever so slightly.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"A million reasons."  
  
His noncommittal answers always drive me insane.  
  
"Give me one, then."  
  
"You."  
  
"You're terrified of me?" No. This has to be a nightmare. Squall's scared of me? Is it because...is it because I'm a sorceress? It never seemed to matter before. Was it only just dawning on him and scared him? This can't be true.  
  
"Of course I am."  
  
"Is it because...I'm a sorceress?"  
  
"Oh, Hyne, Rinoa. No."  
  
Confusion. "Then why?"  
  
"Because..." He trails off, and I can feel his fingers tighten around my own, and his face draw closer to my cheek. I can feel the warmth of his breath on my ear. There was fear there, just a second ago, but now in his voice I hear resolve. "Because I love you. You're the only person I've ever loved. And that scares me."  
  
I turn a little bit enough so I can look into his eyes. I remember the last time I saw those eyes look so vulnerable. The night I had asked him to dance. "You never have to be afraid to love me. I love you so much, that when it looked like you didn't love me back it hurt."  
  
He took a deep breath, and I could tell he wanted to avoid the subject. The slight pause made me think he was going to, and I was about to plead with him to tell me what's wrong but, just as I opened my mouth, he spoke. His sense of timing is very often frustrating, but also makes anything he says worth so much more.  
  
"That's not why I'm afraid to love you."  
  
"Then why?"  
  
"I'm afraid one day I'll wake up and you'll have been taken away, or killed, or just up and disappeared. Or, even worse, I'll have left you behind, to deal with the kind of pain that I had to go through when Ellone with, except exponentially worse. I just don't know if I can deal with those thoughts."  
  
I take wiggle my hands out from under his, grabbing his arms and wrapping them around me. There's some surprise to my sudden action apparent on his features, but it passes and is quickly replaced by a smile, as our bodies are pulled closer together.  
  
"I'm right here, Squall."  
  
I can feel his smile grow on my skin.  
  
"I know."  
  
The sounds of the party are like static against our ears. There is nothing in this moment, except for the two of us and the stars. I can feel his every movement and every breath against my skin. The only problem with this picture is that it is merely temporary. Eventually, I will have to let go.  
  
"Squall?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Can you tell me you love me again?"  
  
"I love you, Rinoa." He says as he kisses my neck, and all I feel is home.  
  
We stay there like that, allowing time to slip by slowly, memorizing every second of this event. But he shifts me in his arms, showing obvious signs of discomfort. I look up at him questioningly, my eyes puzzled. Doesn't he like this?  
  
"They're staring at us." He says lightly.  
  
I chide myself for my paranoia, not bothering to wonder how Squall knows this without looking. It's part of that battle sense, or maybe part of that loner mentality. The ability to know when someone was there, without really knowing someone was there. I want to seem them for myself, though, so I loose myself from his grasp, turning around in his arms, checking on whom 'they' actually were.  
  
I saw the whole of Garden standing behind us. Standing in front were Edea and Cid, flanked on either side by Selphie, Irvine, Zell and Quisty. The six of them were smiling at us, in what I was only now realizing to be content. An emotion we had forgotten about in our journey, but felt so good to let seep back into our bones now. Squall released me reluctantly, turning to face the expectant crowd. He drew a breath in, as if to speak, but then it let out loudly, chuckling. I could tell he was struggling with what he should say. But, somehow, he always chooses the best possible option.  
  
"We...we did it."  
  
Cheers. From the youngest junior class member to Cid all applauded the simple statement that still held so much hope in the idea. Squall, stoic as ever, simply held up a hand and allowed the swelling of applause to die down.  
  
"And I don't just mean the six of us who battled Ultimecia. I mean every person in Garden. Every SeeD who died when Galbadia attacked us. Every person played a role in this, if there was even one person taken out of this equation it most likely would have ended in failure. And that's not just rhetoric. I believe that."  
  
I look sideways at him, noticing how more comfortable he looked speaking like this. He probably had expected it and prepared it in his head, even as he was walking into the party hall. He said to me once that he hardly ever was able to keep up with his own brain. That thoughts went by like a train off its tracks. But now, he looks collected. Like things finally slowed down.  
  
"And..." Here he paused, scratching at the back of his head, uncertain of how or unwilling to continue. "I guess...I'd just like to thank everyone."  
  
Again, cheers. And though Squall didn't exactly soak them up, he accepted them, which was more than he was willing to do even days prior. I grab a hold of his arm, causing him to disengage from scanning the crowd with his eyes. He smiled down at me, causing an entirely different kind of cheering to come from the crowd. His eyes immediately shot up, to the laughter of just about everyone, including my barely stifled giggling.  
  
"Et tu, Rinoa?" He asked in his typical dry voice, which only increased my giggling. There was a sense of humor somewhere in this guy. I knew it.  
  
"Hey!" Selphie's voice cut through the crowd as she rushed up to us, pulling on Squall's other arm, dragging him out into the party hall much the way I had those months ago. "C'mon, you two, we gotta take a picture of the whole gang!"  
  
The whole gang.  
  
Years down the line, Squall and I would look at that picture. Irvine dead center, tipping his cowboy hat with a grin. Zell giving the camera an over- enthusiastic thumbs up. Quisty smiling contently, her arms neatly folded at her sides. Selphie reaching up vainly trying to give Irvine's hat bunny ears. Me looking at the camera smiling, my arms around Squall's left arm, his gaze averted a bit to the left, a wary smile on his face. It always made us laugh, even if it sometimes wasn't real laughter.  
  
But it's right now, and this moment is perfect. 


	2. One Final Mission

I open my eyes  
  
One of the things I've managed to learn in these seventeen years besides battle tactics and how to deal with catastrophes of a worldwide magnitude is that there is a period of a few seconds between when you open your eyes and when you wake up. In that second you remember a lot of things, like who you are, where you are and when you are. Why you are there, however, is a question some people grapple with their entire lives and I've only recently given up on.  
  
So, with those scant seconds over, I wake up.  
  
It's weird, being moved up to the third floor. The perks of having a personal bathroom and a bigger room certainly help but I can't help but think it feels a bit empty without another body in here. The closet is barely a third of the way full; the walls are near bare, partly because I prefer it, partly because I wouldn't know where to begin insofar as interior decorating goes. Not that I'm thinking of that anymore. The actions I have planned for today will make that certain.  
  
I step out of the shower, feeling good to get back into that habit of spending the entire Ultimecia episode without so much as a decent change of clothes. You should have seen us the time we got out of the clock tower of that Hyne forsaken castle. We looked disheveled, our clothes wrinkled and worn and in often cases torn. The only article of clothing that looked decent was Irvine's hat. I swear, that thing reflects bullets.  
  
Pulling on a white shirt and a pair of jeans, I leave my room. I don't bother grabbing my jacket, it's become too much of a trademark to wear without feeling bizarre. I hear they started selling them in Esthar, and that they've become quite the popular item. I mean, it's one thing to respect someone, but when I heard that idolatry almost instantly came to mind.  
  
My hand tentatively knocks on the door of Cid's office. Though it's five in the A.M. I know that Cid is up. We're probably the only two ones up. He works constantly, budgeting and financing Garden to the best of his abilities. Doctor Kadowaki had to make him sign a written agreement to sign of 75% of the paperwork in Garden to Xu, the good Doctor and myself. I hope Cid won't construe this as shirking my responsibilities. The door instantly opens to the weathered, but still smiling Cid.  
  
"Sir." I say, saluting him.  
  
He chuckles. "At ease, Squall. Sit down."  
  
"How are you?" Cid asks me as we both sit down.  
  
How am I? You mean besides the incredible relief of having the world's weight off my shoulders? Besides emotionally exhausted due to too much partying after too much fighting? Besides a-fucking-mazing because I'm in love? "I'm...doing well, sir."  
  
He smiles. "Of course you are. Oh! Before I forget, President Laguna Loire of Esthar got in touch with his. He wanted to extend an invitation to the six of you who took part in the operation. To officially and then personally thank you, he said."  
  
Inwardly, I sigh in relief. That would make this situation easier.  
  
"So, what did you come here to discuss with me, Squall?" He studies me intently.  
  
"Well, sir, I..." I sigh, not sure how to continue. "I came here to...announce to you my resignation from SeeD and from Garden."  
  
"What?!" His voice is not sharp or condemning, simply surprised and curious. His eyes open wider, and then close again in confused scrutiny.  
  
"I...simply don't believe I can do this, sir. I joined Garden because I had no place to go when I was an orphan. I became a SeeD because it was the only path I had in front of me. I became Commander of this Garden unwilling and unprepared. I'm seventeen years old, sir, and I've killed approaching fifty people." Here Cid opens his mouth to interject, but I have to finish this thought. Otherwise I might forget it, Cid might say something that makes me reevaluate or change my mind. I need to get this all out at once. "And not only that, sir, but I have someone in my life that is more important to me than anything ever has been before. I cannot bear the risk of leaving her because I put a military operation over her."  
  
I averted my gaze, waiting for a convincing rejoinder of some sort. The headmaster's mouth instead simply hangs open, struggling for words. Finally he closes it, scratching the back of his neck and chuckling. I allow myself to look at him again, and there is no questioning in his eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry, Squall, but I simply can not accept your permanent resignation." I can feel my eyes flare up, but Cid continues quickly. "But," he says, "I can grant you an indefinite leave of absence. You can leave for as long as you like. You have to understand, your name and this Garden or synonymous, Squall. If I were to let you go, morale would drop, mission requests would drop and thus funds would drop. I sincerely wish I didn't have to use your name diplomatically, Squall. It's an unfortunate thing. You've earned what you're asking for and if I could grant it without question, be assured, I would. So I will insofar as I can allow. Is that satisfactory?"  
  
I smile at the man who has been like a father to me for seventeen years.  
  
"Yes, sir." I say, saluting him.  
  
He laughs in true good nature, standing up and walking me to the door. "Now, I'll just call you when another world-threatening crisis occurs. And you don't have to call me sir, Squall." Here he extends his hand.  
  
"Yes, s-I mean...Thank you, Cid." I grab his hand and, before I can react, the older man pulls me into an embrace.  
  
"You've made me and Edea very proud, Squall. Good luck."  
  
Unsure of how to react, I simply allow myself to be embraced quickly. Cid releases, coughing in embarrassment. I allow myself to smile, and chuckle a little. I open the door, turning around as I enter the hallway.  
  
"Good bye, sir."  
  
Cid smiles and, as the door closes, I think I see him quickly wipe a tear out of his eye. I knew leaving would be difficult, but I never expected quite that reaction, especially from the Headmaster. I wonder how the others will take my resignation once I tell them in Esthar. Wait. I need to tell Cid that I don't want anyone to know until then. Quickly I pop my head back into the door of his office, catching the man shuffling a stack of papers.  
  
"Yes, Squall? Don't tell me you've reconsidered so quickly."  
  
"No, sir. I just wanted to postpone my leave of absence until after the trip to Esthar, sir?"  
  
He smiles lightly. "Of course, my boy. Anything to keep you aboard for an extra few days."  
  
------------------------  
  
"This is so cool! We get to hang out in Esthar for a whole two weeks! And they have a party like, just waiting for us on arrival!" Selphie's trademark squeal echoed through the cockpit.  
  
Not that I can blame here, I feel just as excited about the entire event. Laguna invited us to stay in the Presidential palace for the entire trip, though all of us doubted we'd spend much time there. There were too many things to do in what was probably the planet's only city, in a true sense of the word. All of us, even Squall, seemed happy.  
  
"It's a gala event, Selphie, not a party. It's going to be a series of speeches by upper class citizens and the occasional waltz or tango."  
  
Okay, maybe not happy. But certainly more content.  
  
"Fine. Then we'll just have to make up for it the rest of the week!"  
  
"Oh, Selphie. You're going to have us run ragged before its Tuesday." Quistis chuckled to herself, bending at her waist and putting a hand to her mouth like she had a tendency to do.  
  
"Well, yeah, that's the point! That way, while the rest of you are recuperating, Irvy and I can be alone! Right, Irvy!"  
  
"Uhh..." The uncertain reaction caused all of us, even Squall out of the corner of his eye, to glance towards the cowboy who was blushing furiously.  
  
"Irvine!" I exclaim. "You're blushing!"  
  
This causes Zell to burst out laughing.  
  
"Hey, hey! A guy's got a reputation to uphold!"  
  
"Reputation? I'll reputation you!" Selphie squeaks out, causing all of us to join the blonde martial artist in giggling mirth. I look over at Squall, relaxing in one of the numerous chairs in the cockpit of the Ragnarok. He was chuckling silently to himself at the exchange, but his eyes were closed. Even he was content with the situation that was left in the wake of Ultimecia's defeat. It was peaceful just to watch him drift into rest. I don't think I had ever seen him close his eyes without issuing orders immediately beforehand. It was comforting.  
  
Somewhere in the background, the other four were still chiding each other, laughing at Selphie jumping into Irvine's arms and almost getting that cowboy hat off his head. Zell picking up the normally collected Quistis and spinning her around happily as she breaks off into a wide grin, and then scolding Zell in a very instructor-esque manner after he puts her down.  
  
I scoot into the seat next to Squall, causing him to open and eye and glance at me.  
  
"Hey." I say gently.  
  
"Hey." He says back, closing the eye again.  
  
"You're cute when you're sleeping."  
  
"Oh. Cute. Great." He says deadpan, but allows a grin to grow on his face as he does so. I punch him playfully on the arm.  
  
"Quit making fun of me." I pout to him.  
  
"It's going to be a long trip." He says suddenly, getting readjusted in his seat. "Better get comfortable."  
  
"Okay." I say, getting up from my seat and plopping myself unceremoniously onto his lap. The action elicits a loud 'oof' from Squall, and a giggle from the rest of the group.  
  
"What're you doing?" He asks.  
  
"Getting comfortable."  
  
"This can't possibly be comfortable for you."  
  
"How little you know." I say, stretching myself across his body and snuggling into his body, as he allows his arms to wrap around me.  
  
"They're staring at us." He whispers to me again, causing me to giggle. I know the other four are looking at us with those expressions that simply scream 'Aww...that's so sweet.' And I know that, just a few days ago, that would have caused Squall to place me purposefully in the chair next to him. Even then, though, I never doubted that he loved me. It's not really him who has changed, so much as the circumstances that surrounded him. Before, it wasn't the place or the time to give in to emotions. He had a battle to lead, a war to fight, a world to save. To give in to me then could have and probably would have disrupted all of that. Lucky for him, I'm a patient and understanding girl.  
  
"Lucky for you, I'm a patient and understanding girl." I decide to say aloud, expecting him to question what I'm talking about.  
  
Instead, he simply says, "I know."  
  
Slowly, the rest of them realize that the trip is far from over, and migrate slowly to their seats. Zell and Quistis keep a row to themselves, and Selphie snuggles against Irvine who accepts her head on his shoulder willingly. They make such a cute couple, but I have a hard time believing that Irvine could keep his hands to just one girl. But, then again, if anyone could make him do so, it'd definitely be Selphie.  
  
"You sure you're comfortable?" My love asks again.  
  
I smile. "Perfect, Squall. Just perfect." 


	3. It's Not A Party

Erm...to begin with, I'd just like to say thanks to all the people who've reviewed my story. I'm very much flattered. I figured that, since it was the weekend and I had nothing better to do, I'd get this third chapter out quick. Hopefully you enjoy as much as the prior two. So, without further adieu...  
  
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"Why do you love me?"  
  
I groan. My eyes aren't even fully open, but still blinking away the crust that has accumulated from my nights sleep. Surprise blinks on the background on my emotions, as I realize I must have slept in. That, or Rinoa is up extremely early and is going into 'typical female mode' where she wakes her lover up by asking the most out-of-nowhere questions of the day. I bet sourly on the latter.  
  
"That's not exactly what I hoped the first words of the day I heard would be. 'You' and 'love' would have been nice, but I was looking for those two inverted in order and preceded by an 'I.'"  
  
She shows not the slightest sign of being humored by my joke. "Come on, Squall."  
  
It was funny, really. I had never questioned it before. It was just something that was. Something unexplainable that had slipped past my logic on a purely emotional level. A reason never seemed necessary, so a reason never appeared. Of course, this only passes my mind now, as the topic comes up. Before that, it wasn't something that needed to be questioned. But now that it is, I find that I don't have an answer. I open my mouth, but can't find the words to vocalize it.  
  
"I...don't know how to explain it. It's not something that ever came with a reason. It's not something that ever needed explanation. And, now that you ask, I don't have one. No. That's a lie. I have a million. The problem is that none of them are completely indicative of why I love you, and none of them have nothing to do with why I love you. I'm not going to go down a list of your qualities to explain it, because that's not what makes me love you. It's just something that is."  
  
I look down at the raven-haired body lying across my body, but she has her face directed away from me. Down towards the floor of the Ragnarok. I can't read her eyes and she can't look into mine, which are desperately trying to explain what I can't with mere words. I can't tell if she's hurt or thoughtful, all I see is her hair. Suddenly, her body starts shaking. Immediately concerned, I tense my arms around her.  
  
Then I realize she's laughing.  
  
"What's so funny?"  
  
"Oh, Squall, it's just that you obviously no idea to on how to be a hopeless romantic."  
  
I roll my eyes. "Whatever."  
  
"But that's what makes you so good at it."  
  
I look away, unsure of how exactly to reply. My arms unconsciously wrap around the amazing woman next to me even tighter, trying to make sure she's real. I find her accepting my embrace warmly, grabbing my arms and placing little kisses up and down them, sending shivers down my spine with each one. She obviously enjoys my reaction immensely, as she continues to do so, brushing her lips lightly across the little hairs now standing on end from my arm, teasing them, before finally kissing my skin.  
  
"Stop that."  
  
"Why? Don't you like this, Squall?"  
  
The question seems vaguely familiar. "No...I do, just..." I trail off.  
  
"Not used to it?" She supplies, trigging the memories of the last time we sat like this, aboard this very mechanical object. Without even looking down at her, I match the smile I know to be on her lips.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Well, at the rate we're working, you'll be enjoying this a regular thing in, oh, two weeks!"  
  
"Hah. Hah. Hah." I deadpan.  
  
"Oh, you never laugh at my jokes."  
  
"I don't laugh at any jokes."  
  
"I don't believe that."  
  
I shrug. "Believe what you want."  
  
I let the silence linger for awhile, realizing that for one of the first times in my life, I am not using the silence to collect and collate my own thoughts, but instead waiting for someone else to do so with theirs. It's typically called 'hanging on their every word,' but that seems dreadfully inaccurate in this case. Sure, I'm waiting for her to speak, but I'm not dependent on her doing so.  
  
Listen to me; I'm justifying my feelings to myself.  
  
"Hey. I've got something to ask you." The words are out of my mouth before I have an opportunity to think them over, and I kick myself for it. I shouldn't have said that. I don't want to ask her that now, not here. I want it to be dramatic and romantic and perfect.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Suddenly, Zell loudly yawns. Saved by the blonde.  
  
"Never mind, the others are waking up. I'll tell you later."  
  
I turned from her, trying to move her out of my lap, but she turned quickly on my legs, placing her hands at the back of my neck and looking straight into my eyes. There was something there that I didn't recognize immediately as I looked at her and only in retrospect did I ever realize it was uncertainty. Uncertainty that I would tell her later, uncertainty that I was reverting back into old habits, uncertainty over if I had something to tell her in the first place. In that moment, however, all I saw was hope.  
  
She pulled me to her and kissed me.  
  
The action surprised me at first, but I did not pull away. Expecting her to break off soon, I didn't reciprocate either. At this, her kiss became more passionate, forcing me to kiss her back. At the forefront of my mind was passion and lust, kissing this beautiful being that I was in love with, but the background screamed at me, trying to understand what suddenly brought this on, trying to understand why my hands are roaming over her back and crushing her to me.  
  
No. Not right now.  
  
I pull her away from me suddenly, breaking off the kiss. The expression on her face this time was clear. Confusion at why I had broken away from her, pain at the fact that I had, and more than a little yearning, I could feel her body pushing towards me again.  
  
"Why did you do that?"  
  
Her eyes quickly shot off in another direction.  
  
"You scared me. You were slipping back into that world you've made for yourself and only yourself where all you do is think and none of your senses react at all. It's that desert where I found you when we were all trying to get out of Time Compression. I just..." Her voice falters here, choking back tears. "I just wanted to get you out of that place, I guess."  
  
She looked into my eyes again, turning again into that girl who told me that she couldn't fight alone. That she felt left behind by everyone when battles started. The girl who had pestered and bothered me at every opportunity, whittling away at my self-control and, unbeknownst to me at the time, my defenses. I let my arms quit holding her back, and her weight fell onto me with a heavy thudding noise.  
  
"I'm right here, Rin."  
  
Rin? Hyne, that sounded so right coming out of my mouth.  
  
"Did you just call me, Rin?"  
  
I nodded against her head, my chin gently pushing on the top of her head.  
  
"Rin. I think I kind of like that."  
  
"Just so long as you don't start calling me 'Squa,' I'll keep on saying it."  
  
"Okay, Uall."  
  
I shoot her a dirty look, which only incites her giggling.  
  
"We're going to be there in a few more minutes. Get out of my lap."  
  
"Carry me."  
  
"..."  
  
"Pleeeeeease?"  
  
"No. And don't draw your words out like that. It makes you sound like Selphie."  
  
"Somebody over here could afford to sound a little more like Selphie."  
  
"You want me to start squeaking and add the letter y to the end of everyone's name?"  
  
She laughs, and I begin to realize how much I love that sound.  
  
------------------------  
  
"Ladies and gentleman of Estharian High Society, please welcome your President and leader, Mr. Laguna Loire."  
  
Squall was more accurate than any of us had hoped for when he described the gala event. The speeches by Esthar's upper echelon were repetitive thanks giving and jockeying for position and a good word back to Cid when for when we returned to Garden. There weren't even the occasional classical dance piece interludes that I had looked forward to, to give me another chance to teach Squall how to waltz or tango.  
  
Laguna looked as uncomfortable as ever in such high stature, scratching the back of his head nervously. It often reminded me of Squall, if Squall had ever let his emotions begin to frazzle him after a couple decades. I imagine an older Squall would compare quite comparably with Laguna, and that's not a bad thing at all. Laguna barely looks older than Squall and is very handsome for his age.  
  
"Well...uh...I don't really have a speech prepared. Well, um, I did but I lost it so I'm just gonna have to wing it. I guess. Anyway, to the SeeDs who saved the world from the threat of Time Compression and who will have to prosper until that point in time, I just wanna say thanks. It took a real amazing group of people to come out of there alive, but you did it. And we're sincerely proud of all of you."  
  
The applause was polite and restrained, and really accentuated how formal and stiff an affair this entire thing was. Laguna got off the stage, having to limp the last half of the way because his leg was cramped, and made his way over to our table, sitting down next to Squall. He smiled politely at everyone, patting Squall on the back who shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"Hey guys. Sorry about this group of stiffs. I had to do it, the rich snobs would never have forgiven me if I threw a common party in my household before having them 'personally' thank you." Here the very apolitical president rolled his eyes and laughed. "Protocol and regulations; I don't understand 'em, but I still have to follow 'em."  
  
"So, sir, what exactly is the purpose of our visit, if I may be so kind as to ask?"  
  
I could literally see Squall tensing up as he looked at Laguna. Squall felt a very tangible sense of anonymity towards Laguna. Maybe it was because of literally being in his body, maybe it was because of hearing his thoughts, maybe it was his regard for Laguna as clumsy and foolish, or maybe it was something intangible. I couldn't really understand it, though, it was fairly apparent that Laguna's heart was in the right place and he certainly seemed more comfortable now than he ever had been when Squall described the dream world to me.  
  
"Well, uh. It's a celebration. I figured that when you got back, Garden would throw a nice party but it would immediately be business as usual as soon as it was over. I thought you could all use a longer break than that, maybe not the one you all deserve, but certainly better than being tossed back in to the spinning cogs of Garden, right?"  
  
"Garden is not a machine, sir. It does not produce machines. We're all trained in the same manner, yes, but it doesn't remove the personality of the individual. The six of us before you should be proof of that."  
  
Laguna was visibly uncomfortable with the verbal assault. I placed a hand on Squall's shoulder, but he automatically brushed it off. He went to speak, but this time I physically grabbed his shoulder, causing him to turn around to me questioningly, and in more than a little annoyance. The others simply stayed silent, not wanting to raise Squall's anger, or to have it sprayed at them indiscriminately.  
  
"He's just trying to be nice." I whisper.  
  
"No, no, it's okay." Laguna says, hearing me despite my efforts. "What I said was kinda out of line. Sorry. Anyway, like I said, I just wanted to give the people who saved the world a few nights ago a breather, and I wanted to talk with them. Learn about their lives. You included, Squall."  
  
"Ah..." He looks back at me one last time, and I can see his body relax in resignation. "I'm the one who's sorry, mister President. My comments were uncalled for."  
  
Laguna smiled at this, patting Squall on the back, causing him to tense up again.  
  
"Hah. You're so stiff; it's a wonder you can move at all. Relax, Squall. You're seventeen and don't have any responsibilities the entire week! Go out and have some fun with your friends! That's all I want for all of you, just to enjoy your stay here."  
  
The rest of the group chorused their thanks, but Squall just stared off at the ceiling, chewing on his tongue thoughtfully.  
  
"Mister President," Quistis broke in, "Where will we be staying for the week?"  
  
"Um, at the guest quarters of Presidential Palace. It's like a mini hotel for world leaders and the like. S'got everything. Mini bar in each room, there's an indoor pool-"  
  
"An indoor pool? AWESOME!"  
  
That was Zell, of course.  
  
"Good thing I brought my suit!" Selphie grinned incorrigibly at Irvine, who chuckled nervously.  
  
"Sorry, Selph, but I forgot my suit." The cowboy shrugged helplessly.  
  
"Oh don't worry, I packed it!"  
  
"You-You did?"  
  
"You betcha!"  
  
Watching those two made me realize what a cute couple they were. But, at the same time, it was obviously uncomfortable for Irvine not to be the one in control of the situation. He was used to being rejected or fawned over, not treated like a responsible boyfriend. It often made me giggle just to see his facial expressions whenever Selphie surprised him with something.  
  
Laguna and Quistis had gotten into a conversation on the layout of Esthar, while Zell, Irvine and Selphie were discussing pool games, with Irvine making a crack about Zell's facial tattoo coming off in the water because it was temporary. Squall just stared at the ceiling in thought, and I stared at him, purposefully mimicking his facial expressions to my own chagrin.  
  
Laguna eventually left the table, making the announcement to move into the dance hall for, obviously, the dancing. Selphie dragged Irvine towards the door in much the manner I had done to Squall, and both Zell and Quistis were approached by attractive members of the opposite sex and escorted to the floor. Squall barely even seemed to notice, despite him and I being the only ones who really knew how to dance properly to the type of music that would no doubt be playing.  
  
"What're you thinking about?"  
  
"What Laguna said."  
  
"Which thing?"  
  
"About being seventeen and having a week without responsibility."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Reminded me of what you said in Fisherman's Horizon. 'How old are you, Squall? You're still a teenager. Why not act like one for a change?'"  
  
I laughed. "I can't believe you remember that."  
  
He shrugged and said nothing.  
  
"I'm happy you did, though."  
  
Still nothing.  
  
"Hey, what was that thing you were going to ask me before?"  
  
That got his attention, his eyes shifted nervously and it looked like he was beginning to blush.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Oh, it's something alright. You're blushing."  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Oh, so your cheeks just get red periodically?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh, shut up and tell me."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
He sighed, looking towards me finally. His eyes pleaded with me, trying to make me understand what he was trying to convey without words.  
  
"Just trust me, okay? I'll tell you before the week is up, I promise."  
  
There's something in his voice that moves me. It's not his typical hard lined, efficient manner of speaking, but instead is free of all traces of his normal dictation. Most of the time when he speaks, you could imagine him in front of a podium, and he would sound like he was giving orders no matter what he was saying. But right now it makes me realize who exactly is in front of me. A teenager, still unsure of who he is, unsure of how to say what he wants, unsure of how to live with another person at his side, but knowing more and more every day that he wants it.  
  
So I just say "Okay." 


	4. Do You Want To Dance?

I lied to her.  
  
Perhaps it wasn't the biggest lie in the world, maybe it won't ever be one of those lies you feel the need to expose, more than likely I will forget about it in an hour or two. But the fact of the matter is that she asked me what I was thinking, and I lied to her. Maybe overblowing this situation already redeems me, showing my reluctance to lie about even such a trifling thing, but it still doesn't make me feel any better. It wasn't even a complete lie. She asked me what I was thinking and I said it was what Laguna said. And I had. I had thought about that previously. But my train of thought on that subject had passed; coming to the same conclusion I had a few days prior. He was right.  
  
When she asked me what I was thinking about, I was thinking about her. I was thinking about what I was going to ask her. I was thinking about when I should do it, and where and how. Maybe I had subconsciously overdramatized the entire situation, but I'm determined not to think myself into inaction as I've done so many times in the past. This is too important, too right, too perfect to mess it up with such a careless abandon into the bad habits she's tried to wean me from.  
  
"Hey, what was that thing you were going to ask me about before?"  
  
For a moment, I wonder if sorceress powers come complete with mind-reading abilities, but when I see genuine and innocent curiosity across her face, I discard it as paranoia. Still feeling a bit like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar, I avert my gaze.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Oh, it's something alright, you're blushing!"  
  
"No I'm not." Oh, that was brilliant.  
  
"Oh, so your cheeks just get red periodically?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Oh, shut up and tell me!"  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not?" Her voice isn't whining, as it sometimes has a tendency to be when she questions me intensely on these subjects, but instead was genuinely concerned. My thoughts flashback briefly to the intensity with which she kissed me on the Raganarok, when she thought I was slipping again into my own little world. So I sigh, and try to make her understand, not just my words, but also my entire body.  
  
"Just trust me, okay? I'll tell you before the week is up, I promise."  
  
I could see a little reluctance in her, her mouth half-open in protest. My mind screamed that this wasn't the when or where or how, and prayed that Rinoa could hear those silent pleas. She took a deep breath, and I half- winced, expecting a plea of her own. Not very romantic or understanding, I know, but it wasn't too long ago when she was berating me for acting callous towards my friends.  
  
"Okay."  
  
I relax, and I think it must have been pretty visible, because she smiles to herself as she does so, going to take a bite of her broccoli. I take in every detail of just this simple motion, the odd (at least to me) way in which she holds her fork, the graceful curve of her arms, expression on her face as she enjoys her food. I want to take any excuse possible to touch her right now.  
  
"Do you want to dance?"  
  
And she almost chokes on her food, her eyes widening to the size of dinner plates. She swallows her food near instantly. I laugh inwardly at how eager she is.  
  
"Yes! Let's go!"  
  
I'd like to say that my second trip to the dance-floor ever was with a little more dignity than my first but, actually, it fairly well mirrored it. Rinoa grabbing my hand and literally dragging me into the middle of it. That was the only reminder, however, as the steps of the dance Rinoa had taught me came rushing back into the forefront of my brain. I'm sure true dancers will tell you that you have to feel the music intimately to properly dance to it, that merely memorizing the steps shows and exposes you as an amateur. But I know that, in that moment, I don't think I heard the music at all. All I heard was each of Rinoa's breath, perfectly in tune with my heartbeat.  
  
There was no one else there. Or, at least, it didn't seem like it. We moved through the other dancers and each other like liquid, the music the only thing that kept our form intact. I felt positive that I would be ridiculed when the dance finished, but that negative thought was nestled away in the deep recesses of my head. There was only us. There was no one else there.  
  
Finally we stepped together, my hand reaching instinctively for her waist, my hand grasping hers. And, instead of stopping our dance a reasonably platonic distance apart, we let ourselves melt into each other, continuing the dance as one being, one entity. I know, my thoughts are getting sappy and cliché, but words can only convey so much of the emotion you're trying to intend before their meanings get lost. Maybe it was some of the reason I didn't talk, because I could never properly externalize with words what my head was saying.  
  
The music faded away into silence, but couldn't bear to wrench myself away from her, even to move. Her head on my chest, right against my heart, my fingers entwined with hers on one hand, the other wrapped around her waist. It was a simple pleasure, and one that I was reluctant to give up. But we broke as reluctantly as new lovers do, and made our ways back to our seats, and instead of the expected ribbing, I received merely smiles of understanding.  
  
"Sheesh, Squall, you and Rinny are good at that! You gotta teach Irvy sometime, he was stepping on my feet and everything!" Selphie's playful voice shot out, as she again tried in vain to knock the cowboy hat off of Irvine's head. Every time she does that, she makes the oddest little noise, which only prompts a cocky smile from Irvine. It's a bizarre exchange that I don't really understand, but is funny nonetheless.  
  
"Yeah, man. The girl who asked me to dance left me in the middle of the dance floor! I just stood there looking like a moron!" Irvine and I both laughed.  
  
"Rinny, if Squall's gonna teach the two guys, you gotta teach us two, too! That way every time there's a Seed graduation party we can impress everybody with how good we do!" And that got the girls to chorus in as well.  
  
"Rinoa and Squall can teach a course at Garden for cadets about to go on their SeeD exam. Waltzes and Tangos 101." Quistis chimed in. And, while I continue laughing, that triggers something in the back of my mind.  
  
I'm leaving Garden.  
  
I'm LEAVING Garden.  
  
I'm leaving GARDEN.  
  
I'M leaving Garden.  
  
Irvine and Zell crack a couple good jokes consecutively, and I continue laughing, but it's a dull, hollow sound now. I realize that a week from now I will wake up, go to breakfast and not have these faces staring back at me. Will not have their jokes or smiles. Will not have their vices or virtues. Will not have them berating me when I do something wrong, or smiling at me in understanding when they think I've done right.  
  
I quickly shake away that mode of thinking. I won't ever see them again after this week; I promise myself that I will visit them often. I promise myself that they won't lose touch. And, for maybe the first time, I've started making promises I can keep.  
  
"Squall!" Zell's voice shakes me out of my reverie.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Rinoa asked you a question."  
  
My head turns to her.  
  
"I asked if you thought of seriously doing something like that. Teaching a dance class at Garden when we got back. Because Quistis said that Cid would probably enjoy the idea, and that he could pair it as part of the criteria for espionage courses."  
  
I sigh. I didn't want to do this early in the week. I really didn't. But the issue had been forced. I thank Hyne that I had been fingering the box in my pocket every day for the past month, waiting for this moment.  
  
"Guys, I have two things to say."  
  
I take a deep breath, and hope I can do this.  
  
------------------------  
  
"Guys, I have two things to say."'  
  
There's an uncomfortable glint in Squall's idea. Like he doesn't want to do this here or now. But there's that typical steely determination as well. Whatever it is, it's difficult, I can see in his whole posture. At the same time, though, it's something he both wants and needs to do. Something Squall NEEDS to do that involves something other than saving the world? I smile at this thought.  
  
He takes a deep breath.  
  
"The first thing is that..." His voice breaks suddenly, and this catches my attention instantly. If this was important enough to drive Squall, of all people, to the point of tears, it had to be important. Everyone seems to lean in closer. "I'm not going back to Garden."  
  
"What?!" The chorus of surprised voices would be amusing and cliché in any other situation. But that one word question is really the only appropriate reaction that our minds can click with.  
  
"I'm not going back to Garden. I just...can't do it. What Laguna said about Garden being a machine put things into perspective for me. We're mercenaries. We kill for money. But that isn't why I made this decision. Really, it's more because of the second thing I had to say."  
  
Again, his eyes choked back his tears, and I could see reaching into his pocket for what I assumed to be a handkerchief. I came over to him, quickly grabbing a napkin from the table to give to him, but he merely shook it away. He got out of his seat, going down onto one knee and pulling the object out his pocket finally.  
  
It was a little black velvet box. And, before my mind even had a chance to register, he opened it, revealing a sparkling diamond ring.  
  
"Rinoa. Will you marry me?"  
  
"Yes. Oh, God, yes." 


	5. Two Years Without A Question

Okay, I'll admit it. I was two jumps away from yelling something embarrassing and stupid and irrational when it happened. There was a voice in the back of my mind screaming 'NONONONO!' which such vitriolic rage that it almost took over by sheer surprise. There's something powerful about an emotion that comes to the surface with tangible force when just a few moments ago it didn't even exist.  
  
He proposed to her.  
  
And it was amazingly beautiful. It was perfect. It was everything a proposal should be. I mean, if I followed his words correctly, he was leaving Garden for her. Quitting his job, leaving the only home he'd ever known, for the person he was kneeling in front of, completely vulnerable to. I'll admit, too, that if she had even paused slightly, given him the slightest indication that she would say no, I'd have hated her. But she didn't. She didn't give herself time to gasp in astonishment. She just said yes.  
  
There was a part of me that wanted to hate her. Needed to hate her. Wanted to give any excuse to hit her right there, but they embraced and I just studied their bodies. They fit together...so perfectly. It was hard to believe they were two separate entities. I couldn't hate her and, in a hammer blow, I understood why.  
  
She loved him.  
  
In a way that I couldn't comprehend and never duplicated. I cared for Squall yes, and I loved him to a lesser extent. The same way I loved Zell and Irvine and Selphie and Rinoa. Okay, maybe a little bit more than them, but it was never...this. Whatever I felt did not have this passion or this pain behind it. I had created the Squall I fell in love with. Not to say I imagined his good qualities, but I never acknowledged the bad, or pushed them away in a vain attempt to prove they didn't exist. But Rinoa accepted his vices along with his virtues and loved both equally as much.  
  
The ring was beautiful. Rinoa, while not rushing off to everyone in the party to flaunt her wealth, certainly enjoyed the attention Selphie and I were giving to it, myself a little less vocal than Selphie. She oohed and aahed over every angle, but I was content just to gaze at it. It was an elegant gold band that seemed to twirl around itself into the diamond it held that almost seem to grow from it. It fit Rinoa's finger perfectly.  
  
"Rinoa." I say suddenly, interrupting an excited yip from Selphie as she studied the ring closer. "I know that one of the necklaces on your chain is Squall's, but what's that other one? It seems like just a plain band of silver."  
  
From the way her eyes shot down to her chain and grabbed the ring in her hands protectively, I knew I had said the wrong thing. I silently scolded myself. But before I could retract my question, she answered. Maybe there was a little quiver in her voice, but it was quickly pushed away. She had grown up more than perhaps anyone on the journey, maybe even more than Squall.  
  
"Um. It's from my mother. She gave it to me when I turned five. She said it was to remember her first love, she said to put another ring on the chain when I found my true love." She smiled as she fingered Griever, letting the two rings clank together unceremoniously before releasing the chain.  
  
I looked over at Squall, where Zell and Irvine were chastising and teasing him about the entire thing. Squall didn't even seem to be looking at them, though. Off in his own little world, as he oft tended to do. Irvine and Zell went right on with the jokes, including a few that Squall would have blushed either with anger or embarrassment at if he had heard either of them at all.  
  
"Squall." I said, noticing how his eyes snapped down to me quickly. It was a stark contrast from his utter refusals to even look at me when I was his instructor. Rinoa and Squall had grown together, I realized. Maybe these changes would have happened eventually anyway, but being together in so many life-or-death situations forced them to change quickly. For Rinoa, it was to grow up. For Squall, it was to quit being so grown up. It made me smile.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"You're...leaving Garden?" Everybody quieted down at that question, despite the low volume in which I asked it. The five of us stared at Squall, waiting for his answer. He sighed, placing a hand to his forehead for a moment, looking for the right words to express whatever it was he was going to say.  
  
"I've been granted an indefinite leave of absence. So, technically, I'll still be commander of Garden. But, yes, I'm leaving. There's...there's too much blood on my hands as it is, Quistis. And there's too many risks now." His gaze wandered to Rinoa. "Garden is a moving epicenter for war. There were too many bad outcomes and not enough good ones. My hands..." He held them up, as if exposing them for the first time. "My hands are too stained."  
  
There was an awkward silence, as we tried to process the information. One week left. One week left of waking up an eating breakfast with these two. One week left of seeing them every day. And then they would be gone. No, not gone, they would visit and it would be impossible not to think of them every day. But, in another sense, yes, gone.  
  
Rinoa walked up to Squall, who still held his hands up, as if still trying to grasp the amount of blood on them, as if trying to count the men he had killed on his fingers. She grasped his hands tightly, slowly taking off the black gloves that he had worn for as long as I remembered. Dropping them to the floor, she touched his hands again, the skin of them, sending a visible shudder through his body.  
  
"There." She said, with finality. "Now your hands are clean."  
  
I sighed, a slow wave of acceptance coming over me.  
  
I had never loved him like this.  
  
------------------------  
  
People put a lot of hope into the concept of starting over, beginning anew. In an attempt to forget their mistakes and a futile wish not to make them in the future, they pray that things start over at the beginning. Sometimes this leads to an effort to genuinely change their lives and, on the other end of the spectrum, it can lead to suicide. The what ifs pile up and keep adding on until a person can't deal with it any longer. I guess that's part of the reason I never put much stock into second chances. I long ago decided to live my life without regrets. What I had done in my life was what I had to do. Half of the time, the things I did I was ordered to do and, well, that was good enough for me.  
  
Until her. She questioned my beliefs, challenged them and often never left any room for argument. I was wrong, she was right and that was that is how I often read her wording and emoting. Even the times when she was pleading with me to understand, it seemed like it wasn't an option for me not to understand. She had that kind of power about her, even when I regarded her as immature and childish.  
  
"Now your hands are clean." Is what she said.  
  
I'll admit, her simply saying that didn't change anything. But the way she said it, it held so much in the idea that I had changed from the person that had done those things. She said it simply, a pure statement of simple fact. Telling me straight out that what I had done was the actions of a different person. And, for perhaps the first time in my life, I truly believed in second chances.  
  
"Thank you." I mouthed as she dropped my hands, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.  
  
"Oh, man you are SO whipped." Irvine burst out.  
  
"Hey!" Zell replied nearly instantly, I could tell he had been wanting to use this line. "At least Squall's willing to admit it! Look at you, Selphie's got you whipped and you two aren't even dating!"  
  
Even I laughed at that one, as Irvine coughed uncomfortably and tried to look as small as possible, a rather difficult task for a six-foot sharpshooter with a cowboy hat. Zell slapped him on the back, proud of the reaction his joked garnered. We all recovered slightly enough to chide Irvine's embarrassment ourselves, including Selphie jumping on his back and insisting a piggyback ride. I know there's a Quistis with a whip joke in here somewhere, but I can't really figure a good one out, so I leave it unsaid.  
  
Laguna again makes his way over to us, and I feel guilty because my instant reaction is like a shark sensing blood, I feel the urge to attack him, even though he's nervous enough coming up to me again. He smiles wanly at us, and despite his faults it's obvious he has a presence, since we all turn away from our distractions and turn to face him.  
  
"Uhhh...party's over?"  
  
We look around, realizing that he's right. All the dignitaries must have gotten tired trying to break into the conversation of a small group of teenagers and decided to leave. We laugh unsteadily, unsure of how to react.  
  
"So, anyway, if you want to head over to your wing of Presidential Palace, there's a lift right outside the double doors." Laguna pointed at the ornately carved wooden doors. "And then to the left. Um. It should be the only one that offers 'guest rooms' as a choice of destination. I think it's the third one you'll see. Or is it the fourth? Ah, you'll find it. I'm off to my room. Tired." As if to accent his point, he stretched out, not even bothering to cover his mouth as he yawned loudly, turning around and scratching the back of his head as he left.  
  
"Yeah, we should probably go to our rooms." My voice comes out in a low yawn, trying to use actions to coerce my caffeinated (and more than a little tipsy) comrades into agreeing with me.  
  
"Oh, come ooon, Squall. Just because all those old farts left doesn't mean we can't have our own party! I mean, we have an entire ballroom to ourselves!" Selphie, probably the worst out of all of them, protested almost immediately.  
  
"We also have no music, no food and no drink. Let's just go to bed. I'm tired." I said, making a move to go.  
  
"That's right, little lady, and if you protest then it looks like I'm just gonna have to make you." Irvine's voice was playful and, as I heard Selphie's shrieks of protest and turned around, I had to laugh at the picture of the cowboy throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her towards the exits, completely ignoring the pounding of small fists on his back.  
  
Like I said, the entire relationship between those two is something I don't exactly understand, but it certainly is amusing to watch. I wondered vaguely if it was the same thing for them as they watched me fall for Rinoa. When exactly did they know? Were they pushing us together because they just wanted to see me get with someone, like I had thought previously? Or was it because they realized what I didn't, that I had already fallen for her? I sigh inwardly at my inner monologues, wishing there were answers or at least not as many questions.  
  
Two years, I decided, is what I'd like. Two years without a question.  
  
------------------------  
  
"Are you sure about this?"  
  
I don't know, maybe I was just paranoid. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I wasn't as prepared as Squall was to leave behind my friends. Then again, despite my efforts in the Timber resistance factions, I knew that the death count on my hands wasn't even close to his. I had killed a total of one Galbadian soldier before I met Seifer, and that had been an accident. I wasn't lying when I said I felt left behind whenever battles started, I felt ill prepared for the things I needed to do.  
  
But Squall, he'd just look at me, and though his gaze was usually stone I knew what he meant. 'Stay close to me' is what he said, and I knew he wasn't just talking physically. Every time he'd look around to make sure I was all right, I'd fight to catch up. To let him know that he could rely on me, that I'd be there and that I could fight if he was there.  
  
What he said raised serious questions, about his hands being stained. All of them had to think about it. About how much their job meant to them. Whether they were in Garden for the right reasons. Squall told me that Garden seemed to be the only path available to him at the time. He had nothing else besides his gunblade and the memories of Ellone. I wondered how much each of them would think about it, or if they decided that question was too heavy for them at this point in their lives.  
  
"Positive."  
  
His voice snaps me out of my trance-like state and I realize that I've been doing something I always chastise Squall for, thinking too much. He must have rubbed off on me.  
  
"But..." I searched my mind desperately for an excuse. "Where would we live? What would we use for money? We couldn't just leave everybody!"  
  
"We would live wherever we want. You know that I have hundreds of thousands of gil stored up from our mission. And we wouldn't leave everybody, we could visit them whenever we want." He paused here, collecting his thoughts for a moment. "But, Rinoa, I...we're...I want to have...a family. Do you really want a child of ours growing up in a Garden atmosphere? Weapons and magic? A father who would be rushed off to chances of death without second thought and nothing to say about it? Do you really want a husband like that? Because I...I...don't want to be that kind of husband."  
  
It was sweet in a way, to see Squall so earnest. He never knew what to say, so he never had a chance to dress it up in metaphor or symbolism, but it meant that he never tried to say anything but exactly what he felt, and only when it was completely necessary. In another way though, it made me seriously consider his question. And, I realized slowly, that he was right.  
  
"I guess...it just feels scarier to leave the comfort we've come to know for so long to go into the unknown, despite how much safer it is in actuality. But...I know what you're saying is right. When we get married, when we...have children. I don't want to have to worry about you almost dying. I don't want our child to worry about that." I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Squall moved over on the bed closer to me, putting his arm over my shoulder.  
  
"Shhhh. We still have this week. No worries, no responsibilities. Just us and our friends."  
  
I smiled, even through the sadness. "And then, we have forever."  
  
"Right." He said, his own smile growing on his face. "Now, come on, let's go to bed."  
  
I climbed into the bed next to him. There had only been five rooms in the guest quarters so it stood to reason that Squall and I would be the ones that shared a room, despite Selphie's protests and requests to be in Irvine's room. When she said that, Irvine was so shocked that he almost dropped Selphie from his shoulders.  
  
It felt comforting, just lying there next to Squall, feeling the warmth of his body. At first, it felt strange to see the flesh of his chest and torso, to be able to trace every one of his scars with my fingers. I reveled in the feel of his skin and muscles, with much blushing and silent protest and withdrawals, but soon he accepted and enjoyed it. I'm sure that I, in my nightgown, was not nearly so flattering.  
  
At first we both laid silently on opposite sides of the bed, and I was content just to know his body was there but, after a few moments, I felt him turn over, facing my back as I lay on my side. His arm wrapped itself around my waist, pulling my body closer to his. I grabbed his hand, pulling it to my face and placing a light kiss on his knuckles.  
  
"I love you." He whispered in my ear, melting me.  
  
"I love you, too." 


	6. Slamming The Door

(Squall POV)  
  
I wake up, and it's Friday.  
  
I have three days left and, for the first time, I understand the human obsession with weekends. At Garden, of course, weekends didn't exist. Weekends were just more days in the week. There wasn't time off in a military establishment such as Garden. Hell, there weren't even days. It was just an endless cycle of sunlight and moonlight and you got sleep whenever you weren't on a mission, regardless of time. But today, I can easily feel that desire, that need, that feeling of something bad close on the horizon and the hope that you can cram as much of life into the remaining days as possible before you have to go back.  
  
Selphie was true to her word, wearing us out by Tuesday night. We spent the day, as a male collective, getting trained in the ways of shopping. Actually, I should correct that, Irvine, Zell and I got trained in baggage handling, while the girls merely got to refine their shopping skills. It's amazing how, even without extensive training in the area, any woman instinctively knows how the process works. Quistis especially had been sheltered from this area, and Selphie I expected to, but they quickly took to Rinoa's form.  
  
Later, at night, Selphie proved her sixth sense for finding great parties. She took us to this out of the way (by Estharian standards) nightclub that both allowed Selphie to work up a sweat on the dance floor and allow Rinoa and I to sit in a tucked away corner and make eyes at each other. It was amusing, I have to say, we didn't talk, we didn't kiss, I didn't whisper sweet nothings in her ear, we just both made lovey-dovey eyes at each other until we both dissolved into laughter. It was...fun.  
  
They even managed to pull the two of us onto the dance floor for, while not exactly slow songs, ones we could dance to without making complete fools out of the both of us. Or, maybe Irvine was too preoccupied with trying to get away from Selphie long enough to hit on other girls and Zell was far too preoccupied surprising us all by being the biggest hit there among single males. Every time we looked over at him, he'd have at least a couple girls squabbling to get next to him. It was quite amusing to hear Irvine shake his head, mutter something about it having to be the tattoo before being mauled by Selphie again.  
  
I wake up, and by now I've gotten used to the body I find in my arms. It's an incredible feeling to wake up and immediately be in contact with the person you love. I know its part of that whole new love thing that I'm sure we'll grow out of. But it's nice and I childishly tell myself that I don't want to stop waking up like this. It was weird that first morning, I admit, I pulled my arms quickly away from her, waking her up two or three hours before she's used to but she just kissed me on the foreheads, told me she understood, and went back to sleep.  
  
I really am lucky she's such a patient and understanding woman. It would take nothing less to put up with all the shit I give people some times. I'm still not above falling into the pitfall I'm currently exploring, that one of thinking too much. I've been training myself not to put my forehead to my head when I do so anymore, so I can disguise it better, but I get the impression that it's visible in my eyes by now.  
  
Rinoa brought up an interesting point last night and one that, despite how often I think, I don't really want to think about. The fact that we're both seventeen. Given that I have no known parents, that's not really a factor in my half but it means that she has to get permission from General Caraway before she can marry me. We both talked about it and agreed that we didn't want to wait eight months to get married. Wedding preparations, or at least preparations of the magnitude (small) that we discussed would take six months at maximum and, with everyone willing to do 'favors' for SeeD's commander, it wouldn't even be that long. Which meant, essentially, General Caraway stood in the way of our marriage. And he constituted a major roadblock.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Rinoa POV)  
  
"Okay guys, I've got something special planned for everyone today!"  
  
Laguna's voice, despite all its goofy and perplexed undertones, still has this way of having authority. It gets everyone to pay attention, even if it's just to laugh at him and sometimes just because it gets you to laugh at him.  
  
"Oooh! What is it!" Selphie squeaked excitedly.  
  
"Well, I figured I'd give you all-day access to my house! Outdoor pool with a diving board, digital television, games galore. You guys can do pretty much anything you want, and for free!" Laguna struck a heroic pose, which got Selphie, Zell and I to clap politely, if a bit sarcastically as we held in giggles. We had been pretty much getting everything free regardless. Still, it was a nice gesture. We hadn't really stayed at home and been lazy yet, which is a day that every vacation requires.  
  
"C'mon, Squall. You're going swimming today!" I called over to him cheerfully, and giggled cheerfully as he shot me a dirty look. The thought of everyone seeing him in his swim trunks would be too embarrassing for words for him, and I knew that I could make him do it. I had found out very quickly that the best way to get him to open up was to wound his pride, which he still wore like plate armor.  
  
"Squall, man, how can you pass that up? You get to see Rinoa in her little bathing suit, mm-mmm." That was Irving of course, and it drew Squall's death glare faster than even my comment did, which only caused all of his to dissolve into even more laughter. When I finally could breath, I fluttered my prettiest eyes at him, and his scowl immediately melted and caused him to roll his eyes self-consciously, ashamed that I could do that to him so easily.  
  
Eventually, Squall relented and we all went to our rooms to change. I made sure to knock on the door first, waiting for that pivotal 'come in' before opening the door. It was funny, we were getting married and he was still too embarrassed to be in front of me naked. Not that I wouldn't have jitters if the roles were reversed but that's because I don't think I'm that pretty. Or, at least, not as pretty as the girlfriend that I had envisioned for Squall the first time I saw him.  
  
I told him that story once, about how when I first saw him and went up to ask him to dance that I thought for sure that he had a girlfriend of some sort. About an inch and a half shorter than him, golden blonde hair, beautiful green eyes. Later I'd think about how much Quistis resembled the girl I pictured. I don't think it was until Squall rescued me out in space that I stopped believing that Quistis was going to be that girl.  
  
Eventually, we all made our way to the pool. The guy set up a water- volleyball net and we played that for a while before dissolving into shameless flirting. Every time Squall would go after a ball, I'd jump on him, taking us both down. He, of course, would just look very seriously at me while I tried futilely to contain my laughter. "You're lucky I don't have any Silence spells," he would mutter, shaking his head, which only got me to jump on him again.  
  
We all got a certain satisfaction from acting like little kids. From Selphie finally knocking off Irvine's cowboy hat with a 'slipped' serve to Zell pulling Quistis under the net to prevent her from spiking a perfect setup from Squall, it was obvious we were happy and content just to be little kids again. And, the greatest thing was, it was like I had been part of this all along. It's hard to get over that paranoia of not being accepted as the new kid, but nobody even seemed to think anything was different. I remembered Selphie calling us 'the whole gang' and felt so lucky just to be a part of it.  
  
The games went on until it started getting late and the sun began to fall from the sky, coloring the world in majestic oranges and reds, like the entire horizon was on fire. The guys took down the net and set about to splashing us females good and proper. Even Squall got in on the act, picking both Selphie and me up at the same time, dunking us and holding us captive until we finally found out his weakness: his ticklish neck.  
  
"Zell get Quistis! I gotta save Squall!" Irvine called out, and the seriousness with which he said it caused us all to giggle before he grabbed Selphie around the waist and lifted her up over his head before Selphie somehow got her balance on his shoulders, jumping off of him and swimming away which, in turn, caused Irvine to give chase. Squall had grabbed my hands, preventing me from tickling him and had one of his legs wrapped around the both of mine to prevent me from going anywhere.  
  
"You know what I'm going to do with you, young lady?" He questioned, sternly.  
  
"What's that?" I giggled back at him.  
  
"This." He said, leaning in and kissing me fully.  
  
I'd like to say I reacted a bit better than the first time he had done this, not being reduced to a quivering mess. But, unfortunately, all that I had keeping me from sinking to the bottom of the pool was his leg wrapped tightly around mine. He's REALLY good at that. And not even Zell or Irvine's catcalls distracted him this time. He pulled away finally, the two of us both blocking out whatever it was the rest of them were cooing about.  
  
"Hi." He said softly, looking down at me.  
  
"Hi." I said back.  
  
"Misses Rinoa Leonheart. You like the sound of that?"  
  
I smiled, it sounded beautiful, especially coming from his lips. "I couldn't think of anything better."  
  
Suddenly, volleyball landed nearby, splashing us both out of our little moment. Even I gave Irvine a death look, but the cowboy pointed 'secretly' over by Zell, who stood there grinning stupidly. Squall and I looked at each other, and I gave him a quick smile before picking up the volleyball and throwing it at Zell with all my strength. Both of us laughed as Zell gave a loud 'oomph' with the ball connecting with his stomach  
  
"Why, Miss Heartilly!" Quistis cried, in her best instructor voice. "What a shameful display. This is definitely going on your disciplinary record!" It was obvious that Qustis' funniest moments were always when she parodied herself or the Trepies.  
  
"Uhh, Squall?"  
  
We all turned and looked. Laguna, despite being awkward and clumsy and quiet, still has this amazing ability to get people to listen to him, even if it is only to laugh at him. Sometimes you listen to him exactly because all you can do is laugh at him. It's charisma of the strangest type, I have to admit.  
  
"No, uh, I just wanna talk with Squall."  
  
Squall looked slowly over from me, over to the rest of the group, and then back at Laguna. He shrugged, swimming over to the edge of the pool and pulling himself out of the water. He turned around, quickly smiled at me, grabbed his towel and proceeded inside. The rest of us all looked at each other in confusion, before Selphie yelled out "THREE ON TWO!" and we continued our war.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Laguna POV)  
  
This is the hardest thing I will ever have to do.  
  
I've debated it over and over; with myself, with Kiros and Ward, with Ellone, even with Raine in my dreams, the only place I still see her. All of them have said that this is the only option I have. I can't hide it from him forever, I can't run from the pain I deserve forever. And I do deserve pain. I abandoned my wife, my pregnant wife and my only son. I could plead ignorance, I know I could, but that's a coward's way.  
  
See, despite all my outward clumsiness and awkwardness, I am a fairly smart individual. It's just, I never really knew what to say, I always felt uncomfortable talking but I tried my best anyway and ended up looking foolish whenever I did. It's funny, to see my son outwardly so much different from me, but I know that if he were in my position the exact same thoughts would probably be running through his head.  
  
I know that, when I do talk, it's going to come out stuttered and strange. Maybe I won't even say it correctly; maybe I'll stumble over my words to the point where my sentences don't even make sense. I'm certainly that nervous. My leg certainly is threatening to cramp up right now, and I can even feel the pain running slowly up and down my thigh.  
  
"S-s-sit down." I manage to choke out, indicating the loveseat. Squall, Commander of SeeD, savior of the world but most of all to me, my son, sits down in my house. As I sit down, I realize how much his posture is like mine. We both rest our head on our hands, rest our arms on our knees and sit out away from the chair, struggling to make our thoughts become words.  
  
How do I say it? How do I tell this young man, his swim trunks still on, and only a white tee shirt pulled on otherwise, that I am his father? That the awkward, stupid, clumsy man that he obviously doesn't really like is his father? It's easier to believe from an outside perspective, I'd suspect. We do look kind of alike. We both have a few of the same mannerisms and, like I said before, I know that my son would be thinking the same thing as me in my shoes; we'd just vocalize it in a significantly different manner.  
  
"So? What did you want to say?"  
  
God, why did this have to be so difficult? Why can't I blurt it out like I do everything else?  
  
"Squall. What I have to say...it isn't easy. It's something I've been wanting to tell you since before the Ultimecia debacle, honestly. But I knew that if I did it would interfere with you and, you being the leader, the entire operation. So I've had to somehow maintain the courage I had worked up from then until now. And, really, courage has a pretty short half- life, yah know? It doesn't last long."  
  
"Laguna."  
  
I stopped, realizing I was rambling. I blinked at him for moment, expecting an insulting retort of some kind, but he simply and patiently spoke my name. I couldn't tell if he genuinely didn't have anything to say, or if he was biting his tongue, but it didn't matter, and it certainly made me more at ease.  
  
"What I'm trying to say is that...I...I..."  
  
I sighed, in frustration.  
  
"I'm your father, Squall."  
  
I hung my head low, not even bothering to watch his reaction. All I needed to know I heard in the sounds he made as he got up off the couch and left the house. I sighed, in genuine pain this time. I had gotten it over with. But that didn't ease the pain any.  
  
All I could do was begin to cry as I heard my son slam the door behind him.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
A/N: Okay, a big thanks to Optical Goddess whose fic, Levers and Buttons inspired the pool scene to this chapter. And, again, thanks to all of you who have reviewed. It really makes me want to continue the fic, and not just halfass my way through. Don't worry, for all of you waiting for the fluff to end, this fic will eventually have that 'drama' that's been put into that secondary category. It's there for a reason!  
  
Also, BIG SUPER IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTE PLEASE ALL READ: I would really enjoy it for anyone with a great sense of humor who reads this story to seriously consider sending me a fic of theres so I can restart my infamous Mystery Fanfiction Theater 3000. I use my own characters and I honestly give a 1 to 5 point value on the story. So, if you want to have your story made fun of and them seriously rated, e-mail it to me at ParappaTheKilla@hotmail.com with your story title and your user name on fanfiction.net. Or you can AIM it to me. My AOL name is IsNotEntertained  
  
Thank you, and good night. 


	7. For Now

(Laguna POV)  
  
Of course it hurt.  
  
How could it not?  
  
I opened myself up for attack, I let down all my defenses, and against a ridiculously powerful enemy. What did I expect? Of course he was going to do the one thing he could do that would reduce me to the sobbing mess I was now. No, I have to correct myself. He didn't attack me. What he did wasn't done to hurt me intentionally, but at a time where anything he could have said would only have helped, he just left, leaving me to ponder the world.  
  
I wish something; anything could have come from his mouth. Denial, wonderment, even venom might have helped. I had long ago resigned myself to the scenario where Squall paints the walls black with his tongue, swearing his undying hatred for me, vowing never to forgive me. I even braced myself for it, immediately after the words escaped my lips. But...nothing came. The one thing he could do that I wasn't prepared for was for him to say nothing.  
  
Uncertainty is a powerful emotion. A reason with nothing else to believe will believe whatever is knocked into their head enough times, even if it is a creation of a hurt, overtired brain. Logic is pointless in the face of emotion, in the face of pain. What makes sense isn't taken into consideration, only what swells or quells the emotions, the pain. I didn't know what to believe. Part of me hoped he'd burst back through the doorway, with a cry of 'dad' and hug me in tears. Another side thought I'd never see him again. And, of course, the most logical choice, the one that would end up actually happening, never crossed my mind.  
  
I didn't know how long I sat in that chair, just crying, but it had to have been a significant amount of time, because eventually Kiros and Ward were there in the room with me. Kiros laid a hand gently on my shoulder, and I would have been embarrassed in any other situation but, tonight, foolish pride seemed decidedly pointless.  
  
"What'd he say?" Kiros asked gently.  
  
"Nothing." I forced out a bitter chuckle. "Just like normal, he didn't say anything."  
  
"What did he actually do?"  
  
"He just got up, grabbed his stuff and walked out. He didn't say a word. He just left." My voice was beginning to crack again.  
  
"Where did he go?"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW, KIROS! He didn't SAY a DAMN WORD. Don't you GET IT?!" I don't know what ignited my anger, but I was up in a flash, the tears gone and replaced by cinders. Kiros, of course, didn't even react. He's used to my mood swings and sudden fits of rage. It's a trait I hear from Cid that Squall and I had in common.  
  
I remember Cid's reaction when I told him. When I requested the Ultimecia team for this, he demanded a valid reason for it. A valid reason to give up his best squad for a week. So I just told him, straight out. I...don't really understand how he felt. There was surprise, obviously. But there were a lot of other emotions, more subtle emotions that I couldn't read as well. There was empathetic happiness for Squall, I think. But there was sadness, too. I guess he always felt like Squall's father, and it was like he was giving up his son to me when I told him.  
  
I looked up at Ward, whose eyes were as calm as Kiros', but seemed more understanding. Like he knew exactly where my emotions came from, whereas Kiros just seemed to know how to deal with them.  
  
"So, what are you going to do?" Kiros' calm tenor wasn't really soothing, but it seemed to flow into me. He was my voice of reason. But, tonight, I wasn't in the mood to be reasoned with. I felt warm in the glow of my own anger, and diffusing this kind of heat wasn't advisable. I needed to calm down naturally, on my own, and each word was just going to feel like a bullet.  
  
"What am I going to do?" I'm going to sit here, wallow in my own self-pity and cry, because my son, the one life I had responsibility to in this entire world, hates me because I neglected that responsibility. "...I don't know, Kiros. I just don't know."  
  
Ward looked at Kiros and, again, that sixth sense of Kiros kicked in. Somehow he knew, just by looking, what Ward wanted to say. I don't quite understand it, and I don't think I ever will.  
  
"Ward says you should get some ice cream, curl up on the couch and watch TV. Squall will come around."  
  
Even without his voice, Ward somehow always knew exactly what to say.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Squall POV)  
  
Esthar at night could once have been very beautiful, I'm sure of it. But, long ago, it lost its beauty. Sacrificed it for the wonders of the metropolis and modern technology. Sure, there are plenty of arguments for the case of modern living through technology, but when the city lights block out the stars, well, that's when it isn't worth it anymore.  
  
I'm convinced that starlight helps you think. At least, it always did for me. Actually, I should change that. It doesn't help me think, it helps me think of the less important stuff. It takes my mind off the serious issues at hand. In Esthar, though, I have no stars, so I am left with only this horrible pit in the bottom of my stomach as I think about Laguna.  
  
Why did I leave him sitting there, without saying a word? You could call it cruel, I guess. A bitter attack, maybe. But that wasn't the intent. I left because nothing I could have said would have caused anything except the explosion of my head. It would have hurt too much to say anything too quickly. I needed, literally needed, to collect my thoughts. I wondered suddenly if I would even go back if it weren't for my friends there, if it weren't for Rinoa. Somehow, I doubted it.  
  
I turned at random through the city. It didn't matter where in the city I was; it didn't matter where I was going, so long as I was going. As long as I was moving further and further away from Laguna's house. Though the lifts were back in service, I chose to walk to wherever it was that I was going. If I thought about my destination, if I thought about how I was going to get there, I didn't have to think about Laguna. It was a twisted cycle. I didn't want to go back without thinking about it, but I couldn't bring myself to think about it.  
  
I knew that it was dangerous to walk through Esthar, despite the excellent job the Estharian Army had done of cleaning up the monsters from the Lunar Cry, they occasionally still popped up every now and again, perhaps killing a person or two before getting the monster squads on it. I didn't care, though. My rage and pain had built itself up to the point where I wouldn't need even the Guardian Force I had available for junction to give me strength. It's amazing how pain can translate so easily into strength. But it's not real strength; I realized that after I met Rinoa. Depending on pain for strength, but it depletes you so quickly and leaves you depressed. And depression never breeds strength, instead it becomes weakness, and that weakness feeds off the depression more efficiently than the strength off the pain.  
  
True strength, of course, comes from your will and your heart, corny as that sounds. It comes, not from rage, but form desire and faith. If you believe you will be strong, you will be. It's the only rational explanation I can come up with, the only explanation that explains how Selphie could beat Seifer in a fight. I'll admit it; I'm still trying to switch over. My own pain still fuels me. Less so than before, but it's still there, like an imposing darkness on my heart. It's more than effective for destroying the occasional Elonyle or Torama, but to overcome a foe like Ultimecia, I had to give it up. And when I didn't, it took Rinoa to save me.  
  
As I walked further, I recognized how my mind is stalling. A defense mechanism, if you will, to prevent the cycle of pain it would undoubtedly start. At the same time of this epiphany, however, another hits me; this is all I have left to think about. As I ignored it, it grew until it consumed the smaller thoughts and become a part of them. I had avoided it for so long, it had begun to press at the back of my thoughts and now I had no choice but to think of it.  
  
Laguna was my father. I didn't even bother trying to deny it to myself. It explained, well, a lot. The comments from Kiros and Ward (Well, Kiros) on the Raganarok. The connection between Laguna, Ellone and I. Why I looked so much like Laguna and Raine. As much as I wanted to deny it, as much as it would have made it easier for me if I did, I just had to remember the look in his eyes when he told me. There was no reason for him to lie, no logical explanation for it. He was my father, and he abandoned both Ellone and me. In favor of some resistance faction to oppose Adel.  
  
I sighed, my head trying to warp itself around all the connections in our lives, how everything that had happened came to that conclusion in Time Compression, that battle with Ultimecia. How it all HAD to happen the way it did for things to come to that conclusion. Laguna. Laguna could use fate and history to convince me what he did was right. And, maybe it was. Maybe it all happened the way it was supposed to. Maybe this was destiny.  
  
Why, then, do I feel so betrayed?  
  
I stare up at the city lights, yearning for the stars to appear in the sky. I'd check my watch to see when I could expect the beautiful glowing horizon of sunrise, but I left it in my room. I came to another intersection, taking a left and colliding with a warm body, one which immediately grabbed me in a tight embrace, like it was trying to check if I was alive or not.  
  
"Hey. Missed you." Rinoa said into my chest.  
  
"Hey." I say back.  
  
------------------------  
  
I was too relieved to be mad at him right away. Squall goes blind when he gets angry, yah see. He moves at random, only sensing the obstacles in his way, not really seeing them. All he really sees when he is angry are his own feet and his pain. When I ran off after him into the city at night, I was certainly angry, clean through, in fact. How could Squall leave all of us without saying a single word, how could he leave his FATHER in such a condition, without saying a single word?  
  
As I began walking, though, I began thinking. I started wondering what exactly it was Squall was thinking that would cause him to react in such a manner. The answer was so blindingly simple; I was surprised that we hadn't come up with it before. Laguna knew his son at the orphanage. He must have figured it out when he left Ellone there. He had his son in his reach, almost in his arms, and he chose Esthar instead. How much pain it must of caused Squall just to hear those words and come to those realizations.  
  
But that just made me more angry after awhile. How selfish was he being, only to acknowledge and deal with his own pain? How could he not realize it was painful for Laguna to say that, almost as much as it hurt for him to hear it? Nobody was asking him to embrace Laguna with loving arms. Or did he think that? Did he somehow feel obligated to do so? Did he feel like he had to play the part of the respectable young gentleman, loved by millions and the rest just jealous or awestruck? Though, if he did, it would be hard to blame him. That Estharian ball had made it readily apparent of the raised expectations of us, not just as warriors, but also as people in general.  
  
I was surprised as anyone at my own actions tonight. We had played in the pool a little longer, gossiping about what Laguna and Squall could be talking about for a few minutes, before talk drifted to our wedding as Irvine offered to be a male dancer for my bachelorette party, but quickly withdrew the offer after Selphie's enthusiastic agreement and the offer to 'sample the goods.' After it had gotten dark, we all made our way out of the pool. Squall still wasn't back, and I was getting worried. We all were, really. Then we walked inside, into the living room, and found Laguna, his head buried in his hands, the lights out and the static drone of a muted television set.  
  
Laguna told us what happened, and was surprised at, well, our lack of it. I don't know why we weren't more surprised, but I guess it just made sense. It explained a lot of things, honestly. It explained Kiros' jokes aboard the Raganarok, it explained their uncanny resemblance, it even explained that mysterious resentment Squall held for Laguna. Maybe he somehow knew, too. Maybe he had considered the possibility before and felt he couldn't deal with it. I wondered, for a fleeting moment, if he would have ever come back to this place had he been told this even just a month ago. I shook my head, both in response to my own question, and to get that thought out of my head. It didn't matter what Squall might have done, just what he was going to do.  
  
Why did I run off? I guess, I guess because I felt like I was going to make him do the right thing. Yeah, I know, a stupid plane, but it's the idea I had in mind when I left. Overestimating my importance to Squall, and being just as selfish as he was, I realize. But, there was fear there, too. Irrational fear, like the fear that he would walk into a bar and get hammered. Rational fear, too, like the possibility he'd get ambushed by a group of monsters or something. But, the realest fear I felt was the fear of not getting to hold him tonight. That selfish fear that consumes you when your boyfriend is alone with another woman. Not that I thought Squall would ever even dream of that, but that was the KIND of longing I felt.  
  
I don't know how long it was before I started running, pretty much in a panic through town. I knew Squall would be headed for the most secluded place he could find in the opposite direction from Laguna's house. But hat fear just overcame me and I began running, taking turns at random. I began yelling his name, only to hear it echo off the skyscraping buildings that sprang up in my path. My breath ran out quickly, though, and I resorted to my legs. I wished for a fleeting moment that there were some sort of sorceress power to revitalize my body. Finally, after running for what seemed like a half hour straight, my legs gave out, my breathing came hard and labored as I leaned against a building and tried to catch my breath. I didn't care about the monsters at the moment, only Squall and where he was.  
  
A smile came to my face a few minutes later, as I heard the familiar jangle of his Griever necklace. It never even bothered to occur to me that it could be anyone else, an idolizer of some sort, maybe, or just another person with a similar necklace. I just ran, rejuvenated, towards the direction of that sound. Just as the body turned the corner, I grabbed it, embracing it tightly. I know, just from the topography of his chest, that it was him.  
  
"Hey. Missed you." I managed to get out.  
  
"Hey." Was all he said back.  
  
I was too relieved to be mad.  
  
For now.  
  
------------------------  
  
A/N: Again, sorry for the delay. I've started a study hall, so I figured I'd get these chapters out quicker, but then I borrowed Kingdom Hearts from a friend, plus I got grounded from the computer, so that kind of cancelled the study hall out. Anyway, I'll probably be able to get a Chapter out every two or three days, depending on how long I can convince my parents to let me on here (writing this took upwards of double my time limit). But, thankfully, I've got every chapter up to 17 planned out. Sorry for you action fans, not a single fight planned yet. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed my story thus far, I really appreciate the kind words. Love to all who read and review! 


	8. Tomorrow

(Rinoa POV)  
  
We stood there for so long, just holding each other.  
  
Fear will do strange things to people, and not always negative things. That relief that floods you as all those fears, all those real and imagined dangers, simply float away. Of course, it also causes all those emotions that existed before the fear to be multiplied to the nth degree. Obviously, the comfort in the knowledge Squall was save gave me ample opportunity to let my anger renew.  
  
"What were you thinking?" I ask him, my voice soft, but even he senses the bitterness in it. This is the same voice he heard every time I berated him for his silences, or acting callous towards a comrade. I was sure he hated it.  
  
"That I needed to be alone. That I couldn't handle this. That nothing I could say would help anything." When Squall doesn't hesitate after I ask him a question, it's pretty obvious he's been thinking about that subject a lot.  
  
"You still should have said something. He's your father, Squall. And you just left him there, crying like a broken man." I'd like to say I understood right away why Squall started laughing bitterly at my remark, but for a few moments, I simply stood there, indignant.  
  
"Irony." He remarked simply, reminding me of the sledgehammer fact that I refused to refer to General Caraway as my father.  
  
"Laguna is nothing like Caraway." I shot back, finally letting go of my embrace and looking him in the eyes. What I saw almost broke the simmering storm of emotions inside of me. It wasn't Squall's calm or even smoldering blue eyes. These were the same eyes I saw in Laguna. Broken and scarred, like a puppy that's been kicked too many times. But the fact that this WAS Squall, and not Laguna, the fact that this look in his eyes I had never seen before almost broke my heart.  
  
"Squall." I continued, my voice softer. "I know you must feel abandoned and betrayed. I know it hurt you to hear that. But do you know how scared Laguna was? How much strength it took him to say it and how much it hurt him?"  
  
"I understood completely." He looked away as he spoke, avoiding my eyes.  
  
"Then why?" Why leave him like that? All he wanted was for you to say anything, and you just left, completely silent." I forced my face into his field of vision, studying his eyes, trying to wrap my own eyes around the mind of this complex man whose heart I had already been caught in.  
  
"Because, for the first time in my life, I felt free. Like I had a say, a choice in the way things in my life were going to be. And I wanted to hate Laguna, despise him and, in a way, I do. I hate the fact he abandoned Ellone and I, but, more than that, I despise the fact that it all worked out for him. That everything he did, giving up on the woman he loved, abandoning his children, abandoning his wife, all ended up being somehow necessary. I hate what he did, but I hate more that he HAD to do those things."  
  
I couldn't respond. For being the outspoken one in the group (well, next to Selphie) Squall often silenced me. The connections his mind made, moving so fast I could hardly keep up, almost always left me in awe. It was also interesting that, as logical and factual as every conclusion he made was, it was always facts and logic to justify his gut reactions. It was amazing. He acted first and explained to you why he made a perfect decision later.  
  
"I suppose..." He spoke again, and let those words linger in the air. I could hear him thinking, smell every idea on his breath. That's how close I stood to him, studying his eyes.  
  
"I suppose it makes me feel like there's this...inevitability surrounding everything. Like, Laguna, every bad thing he did ended up becoming good, having a god effect. But, I'm beginning to feel that, in my life, every time I fuck up, it will be known. I feel like I have to be perfect, because I've never gotten second chances. I feel, again, like I will never have a say in the process of my life."  
  
Some time ago, I began to believe that the reason why people thought that when Squall acted with emotion it was rashly was because they weren't able to follow the rapid-fire synapses of his brain. I didn't really believe Squall was smarter than the people who berated him, he just had a much different thing pattern, and one they couldn't hope to follow. Really, this just confirmed it. I was positive that the rest of the gang would say he was acting immature and decidedly unlike the proper etiquette for a Commander. Which would only expand that fear that he had to be the perfect human being. It was hard to stay angry with a person so hurt, it seemed to me like I was just kicking that puppy that had already been broken. But, still, I couldn't let him leave an equally broken man back at Laguna's house.  
  
"I'm not really the one you should be telling this to, you know." I said quietly, avoiding his haunting eyes.  
  
"How can I say that to him, Rin? How can I tell him that it is because of him alone that I believe I no longer have any control of my life, that I now believe I'm destined to hurt you? How can I say that to him?"  
  
Usually, when Squall asks questions he doesn't expect an answer to; they come out bitterly, using that slight edge to his voice that only comes out when he's angry. But this question he asked genuinely, wishing and hoping against hope that I had answers. And, for a moment, I didn't. But then, I processed the question; the situation and an answer seemed hauntingly simple.  
  
"Because." I said, after a moment. "He's your father, and he wants to hear it. I know, it has to seem ridiculous coming from me, but your father just wants to be a part of your life, not dominate it."  
  
"I can't forgive and forget that easily." Squall said, uneasy.  
  
"That's okay." I said, hugging him tightly and smiling up at him. "If it were easy, it wouldn't be worth doing."  
  
------------------------  
  
(Quistis POV)  
  
I wouldn't say we thought of Squall's actions as immature, just incomprehensible. Selphie, Irvine and I agreed we would be elated if we ever met our real parents, if they even were alive. It didn't matter the circumstances of our abandonment, what mattered was that they were there now. Blood runs thicker than water. 18 years old was still an age where we needed adult role models in our lives, despite the raised expectations we all now faced. I know, a person isn't supposed to care about the expectations placed upon you, but the world's eyes are much bigger than any individuals, and you feel more obligated to bend to those eyes than others.  
  
"So, Laguna is Squall's dad." Zell stated simply. "It seems...weird, but not at the same time."  
  
As ineloquent a statement as Zell's was, it was the only way to describe out feelings. The four of us, minus Squall and Rinoa, were waiting for those missing two in the dining room. Irvine had kicked his feet up on another chair and Selphie had sat down in said chair, letting herself lean into Irvine, who accepted here without much argument. It was true, though, what Zell said. The Laguna/Squall situation was confusing and sensible at the same time.  
  
"It's kind of cool. Laguna's nice and funny and charming when he wants to be..." Selphie trailed off for a second. "I guess I just don't see why Squall's mad."  
  
"Does this remind anyone else of what he did at Galbadia Garden? When he stormed off then?" I asked suddenly, looking from face to face for an answer.  
  
"Now that you mention it, yeah. Suddenly just getting angry without rhyme or reason, and storming off? Not only that, but we probably won't ever get an explanation for his reaction this time either." Zell, when he wanted to be, when he could calm down, was actually a pretty rational and capable person.  
  
"Rinny'll tell us." Selphie piped up. "If Squall tells her, she'll tell us, right? Course it is. Besides, were' probably going about this all wrong. Squall's never thinking what we think he's thinking."  
  
"Should she, though? I asked, drawing some questioning glances. "Rinoa, I mean. Should she have to tell us all the thing sin Squall's life? I feel like we're forcing her to spy on him, and it makes me uncomfortable. Should we be asking him ourselves?"  
  
Zell laughed. "When'd did that ever work with Squall? He'd just look at you in annoyance, throw in a 'whatever,' IF he liked you, and then walk away."  
  
We all had to laugh, because one of us had to say it. That's the way it was. Someone mentioned talking to Squall, someone made a brick wall comparison or cracked a 'whatever' joke. Sometimes it was all we could do to get him to small, and other times it was the only way we could handle being around him. Not that we didn't enjoy his company, we all loved it. But he was still difficult and frustrating, especially at times like these, when no one could get why he was acting the way he was.  
  
"Do we even have to know?" Irvine asked, his voice sounding like an epiphany just came to him." I mean, before, it was imperative, because Squall was in a place of such scrutiny and importance. But, I know it's gonna sound like I'm suggesting forgetting him, but do we really have to know all his problems? Do we need to know how every little thing effects him?"  
  
I took a breath in, as if to speak, and then caught it in my throat. DID we have to know these things? Irvine's question seemed like a good one for a second or two, because he was right. We DIDN'T have to know. But, as I took a breath in again, this time with the intent of actually speaking, I knew how to answer.  
  
"Of course we don't, Irvine." I said, smiling playfully. "But we're his friends. We WANT to know."  
  
"Yeah, Irvy! We all want to know how everybody feels; the only reason Squall comes up so often is 'cause we never know wit him! We all got responsibilities to everybody. Rinny's the one who knows when and when not to keep secrets. Squall's everybody's rock. Quisty's the reasonable one. I remind everyone to have fun and you're our memories." Selphie, everyone who was around her realized after awhile, was much more intelligent than anyone gave her credit for.  
  
"He, what about me?" Zell interjected indignantly.  
  
"You? Zell, you know you're just our hot-dog-carrier!"  
  
We laughed. We had to. Sometimes laughter was the only thing keeping us going.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Laguna POV)  
  
A crying man eating ice cream is not a dignified sight. I'm sure that, if Esthar's upper crust could see me now, they'd not only impeach me, but also exile me. They didn't exactly embrace the fact they had a regular guy as president, so having him NOT act like one was the only thing that kept them from storming the Presidential Palace with pitchforks and torches a la Frankenstein sometimes. While the kids were certainly more accepting and understanding, it was still embarrassing to have them comforting me. I was old enough to be any of their fathers, for Hyne's sake.  
  
It didn't matter, though, it wasn't President Loire sitting in his own tears on that cough to them, it was just Laguna, Squall's father. It was nice to have someone understand the difference for once. Far too often, the two were never distinguished from each other, or I had to change between on ore the other on a whim. I couldn't be both. Kids were funny that way, in how they allowed you to be two different people. Well, these kids at least. Kids who weren't really kids at all because they had to grow up so fast. It made them easier to talk to, their combination of understanding and maturity. It made me think that maybe life would be more than the politic eventually, with amazing youth in the world.  
  
That is, if they weren't dead by the time they were thirty. Despite the clamoring for a Garden in Esthar, especially given their assistance in the Ultemecia debacle, I steadfastly denied any and every request. Despite the quality people before me, despite the fact that all SeeDs I had EVER met were good people, killing is not something young people should be exposed to. That's one of the conclusions I came to while I was fighting the war against Timber. Watching a man being ripped to death by bullets from your gun, especially that first time is an experience that, for me at 19, was vomit worthy. It's hard to believe Ward and Kiros and I were moony-eyed kids back then, killing because it was better than being killed, or the shame of running away. I wasn't going to expose Esthar's youth to that fate.  
  
It was surprising that the kids accepted that I was Squall's father so easily. I mean, Kiros' joking and occasional off-hand comments, plus our physical similarities might have alluded to it, but it was something intangible that made them believe. I'm not saying some mystical force or Supreme Being, but just in the way that they perceived the two of us, it made sense to them, I guess.  
  
Rinoa, being the determined woman she is, went off after Squall and, in doing so, reminded me so much of her mother. In her face, her eyes...but she had that rising tempter and stubbornness I had seen in General Caraway at World Councils, too. Still, even those things were tempered by Julia's mannerisms. In a way it seemed like Squall got what I had lost. You know how they say you never forget your first love? I never forgot Julia. I remembered, late one night, Raine and I were talking and I told her about Julia. About how I used to go see her every night at the club, how we had ended up talking so much, about how Eyes on You was about, well, me. She laughed at first, I think she thought I was joking, but as I told her more and more about her, about every time we spoke on the phone, she began crying. I would never find out why.  
  
The rest of the kid's tried to comfort me for a while. We raged against Squall's impulsiveness, combined with his propensity to keep everything inside, and how it led to situations like these. How, if it weren't for that stubbornness Rinoa inherited from her father, Squall might not have any of the good things he did, a fiancé, friends, comrades, an amazing father figure and a loving mother figure. And, the kids added, a great father. But I certainly didn't FEEL like a great father.  
  
Eventually, like I said, they came to the same realization that I did that a crying man eating ice cream is just a man who wants to be left alone, thinking of nothing. So they retired to the lobby or dining area to wait for Rinoa and Squall, and then to go to bed. I didn't bother pointing out the fact that monsters were out, because if something was out there that could take down an angry Squall Leonheart with a sorceress, I didn't think anyone in Esthar would survive.  
  
I wondered if Squall and Rinoa would visit Odine before they left. Odine had been bragging all week about a way to eliminate sorceress powers from a carrier completely, and I think I mentioned it once, off-hand, to them. Sometimes I thought they would all but forget that Rinoa was a sorceress. It was easy enough to do; I had done it quite a few times. She was just Rinoa, my future daughter-in-law. I smiled at that thought, and I let that smile linger on my face. After all, it was better than crying and eating ice cream, no matter how good the ice cream was.  
  
There were a lot of times in my life, where it felt like a movie. Where things fell into place and unraveled in such a cinematic way, that it seemed someone HAD to be watching this for their amusement or just general entertainment. And, just like a movie, it was that exact moment that the door to this room turned, and Squall stepped thought. Not with a cry of 'dad,' not with rage spewing against the walls, but exactly as he entered, without a word.  
  
"Hi." I said weakly. Seeing past my son, I noticed Rinoa, urging him forward. I could tell he was uncomfortable though, so I saved both him and me from a sleepless night. "Well talk about this tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, tomorrow." He said quickly and exited, much to Rinoa's reluctance. She looked at me one last time, before shrugging her shoulders apologetically and walking after him. I sighed heavily, taking another scoop of ice cream.  
  
Suddenly, it didn't taste as good. 


	9. Memoria

(Squall POV)  
  
As much as I'm sure that I would never have fallen asleep had Laguna and I had our little father/son talk, it ended up being pointless. I couldn't sleep anyway. Even the relaxing scent of Rinoa's hair and the enchanting touch of her skin couldn't sedate my hyperactive mind. I kept trying to plan the conversation I would have with Laguna out in my head. What would I say? How would I say it? What order should I say it in? As impersonal and cold as it sounds, I played through it in my mind like I would an essay, or a speech. Side note: Irony is ranking first in an Oral Communications Class without saying a single word to a classmate. Contrary to popular belief, it was never that I didn't know what to say, or how to say it; it just never seemed to matter, those personal thoughts and feelings. They never dictated my actions. Well, until I ran off to Esthar with Rinoa on my back.  
  
It's strange, because all that does seem to matter now IS how I feel about things. Well, not necessarily me, but 'The SeeD Commander.' Before the party at Garden, the media surrounding Ultimecia's defeat was ridiculous. The questions they asked me often had nothing to do with the battle, or Time Compression, or who we were. It was all 'What does The SeeD Commander think of Galbadia's sudden agreement to liberate it's captured territories?' and 'Where does The Seed Commander stand on Esthar holding back technological advancements from the world?' and 'Does The Seed Commander believe it is reasonable and/or feasible for a reconstruction project to start in Centra?' and 'What is the current relationship status of SeeD's Commander?'  
  
'Dating.' I had immediately replied.  
  
Silently, I laughed to myself at the memory of Rinoa's eyes. How they lit up like a sunrise, grabbing me in a fierce hug. The reporter shot off a few more questions like 'Who was the lucky lady?' 'Where is she from?' 'How did you meet?' But Selphie came to our rescue, confronting the reporter and telling her that question time was over. The reporter had looked at the little girl before her, offended, as the rest of her colleagues shot off questions, before exiting in a huff, muttering something about missing out on an exclusive interview with Cid.  
  
I glanced up at the clock beside my - no, our - bed one more time. 5:32 A.M. I sighed deeply, rolling out of bed, which caused Rinoa to groan in discomfort. I whispered in her ear plaintively until she drifted back into sleep, and I walked into the bathroom. I fiddled aimlessly wit the hot and cold-water knobs of the shower before getting undressed and stepping in. I let the showerhead rain down upon my fade, kneading at my mind until it was numb, only concentrating on the sound of water against my skin.  
  
I bathed quickly, threw on some clothes and went to the door, giving my angel a quick kiss on the forehead before leaving the room for the dining area, hopefully to get a very early breakfast. One perk of this hotel was that, in the dining area, it wasn't like a continental breakfast; they had actual chefs, who would make Trabian delicacies as well as pancakes. I nodded to them quietly, requesting just some toast and juice, which quickly got to my hands. I chewed thoughtfully on the toast, reflecting on how much better it was to eat even just toast and juice over Garden's cafeteria food. Reflecting on how much my life was going to change. Reflecting on how much my life was going to change tomorrow.  
  
I glanced up, as a tired, but freshly showered and shaven Laguna dragged himself into the dining area, ordering up blueberry pancakes, bacon, eggs (sunny side up) and milk, before depositing himself in the seat across from me. For a moment, I waited for him to say something, until I realized he had essentially fallen asleep on his feet. His head lolled to the side slightly, before the arrival of his milk, which was slammed abruptly on his hand, woke him up. He snorted as he forced his eyes open, not even bothering to act like he was in pain.  
  
"Hey." He said to me wearily.  
  
"Hi." I replied evenly. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Hey, I got a country to run. I gotta get up this early every day."  
  
"I meant, why aren't you eating in your own house?"  
  
"Oh. Well, heh, I don't have cooks in my house. Better food here."  
  
"Ah." I replied, taking a bite of my toast.  
  
"Why're you up this early, then?" Laguna managed to mumble between sips of milk.  
  
"Couldn't sleep."  
  
"Ah."  
  
There was a long and, most likely, awkward silence between us, but I don't think either of us noticed. Laguna was too tired, and I was already thinking too much to realize the awkwardness of the situation. Laguna's food came after a short wait, and he took to it as if starved. I guess a dinner of depression and ice cream isn't exactly filling. That, and the food looked extremely good. The cooks here were paid well for a reason; they were some of the best in the world.  
  
"So, why..." Laguna said suddenly, between a strip of bacon and a swig of milk. "Did you just run off without a word?"  
  
I expected the question to be asked bitterly, honestly. I saw what I had done to Laguna last night and, intentional or not, he didn't deserve that. It's not like I had no idea how he was going to react either, I'm not stupid. I can't plead ignorance. Maybe that was part of the reason why I did leave in such a manner. Somewhere in that bitter self-consciousness of mine, I wanted to hurt him. That part that Seifer saw in me, that shark like bloodlust.  
  
"Because I couldn't do anything else." I said finally.  
  
"How so? You could've stayed and talked, you could have yelled and screamed, you cou-"  
  
"No. I couldn't do anything else. Not literally, but...I can't explain it in words. I just know I did the only thing I could have done."  
  
"Is it resentment? Is it hatred? Is it just difficulty in acceptance? I want to know what you're feeling. I want to understand. I mean, I know how painful it most be to think that I abandoned you, but my intent was to keep you safe. Both of you. I was a danger to those close to me, Squall, and when I found out about you, staying in an orphanage, I thought you were safer there than you could ever have been with me. I mean, honestly, I don't think you'd be half the quality of person you are now if you were raised by me. I'm very proud of you."  
  
I snorted in derision. Not necessarily because I disagreed directly with what he said, but the entire speech, the entire essence of the speech seemed somehow...wrong to me. I considered the questions he had asked, carefully, though, trying to understand how I was feeling myself before attempting to reply.  
  
"It's not that I hate or resent you, or that I'm in denial. Not totally. I mean, there are elements of all those things in how I feel, but none of them are completely indicative of it." I paused, suddenly, leveling him with a glare. "It's bullshit, you know, what you got away with. Abandoning a pregnant wife and an adopted daughter, abandoning Julia, abandoning your friends, when they were out looking for you. And if that wasn't bad enough, it ALL WORKED OUT. Every bullshit decision you made, ended up contributing to this greater end. Ultimecia. Every bad thing of yours ended up being cancelled out by that greater good. And every time I look at you I see this indomitable force of fate, and I remember ever time fate fucked me over, and I see it personified in you."  
  
"I'm just one man." Laguna said calmly.  
  
"One man who amplifies my vices and diminished my virtues. One man whose eyes play a movie of every mistake I've made and then remind me that I, I will pay for each and everyone one of them and you fucking won't."  
  
"I'm not doing anything, Squall. The things you see in me are just the fears inside yourself. Don't shove your insecurities on other people. Deal with them yourself."  
  
"YOU THINK I HAVEN'T TRIED?!" Against my will, my voice suddenly jumped in volume, coming out as more of a painful scream than the low growl I had intended. "But every eye of the fucking world is upon me and, all of a sudden, I'm not allowed to make a mistake. I have to be the world's role model, so I'm not allowed to show my weaknesses, but every time I even look at you, they're all I see."  
  
"I think I get it." Laguna said thoughtfully, through a pancake.  
  
"What?" I snapped out. "What do you 'get?'"  
  
"You're having trouble more with Laguna the person than Laguna, your father. It's not that I'm your father that upsets you, but the fact that I am makes my actions that you disagreed with before more despicable and your feelings towards me more inflammable."  
  
I sat back in my chair, realizing - truly realizing - for the first time how much more intelligent Laguna was than he seemed.  
  
"Yeah. Something like that." I agreed.  
  
"Nobody is asking you to be hugging me and calling me dad all the time."  
  
I laughed bitterly. "They aren't? The reaction my friends gave me leads me to believe otherwise."  
  
"They're just trying peer pressure on you." Laguna said, winking at me. Despite myself, I laughed.  
  
"You would have made a good father." I said, my voice suddenly serious.  
  
"You think so?" Laguna asked, his eyes wide with hope.  
  
"Yeah. I'm glad, though, that Cid raised us. He was better."  
  
"Why is that?"  
  
I grinned. "More practice."  
  
We both laughed.  
  
"Do you think we'll ever really be a father and son?" Laguna again asked with his eyes wide with hope. The way a puppy looks at you when it's expecting to get kicked again. And, as I look at his eyes, I understood how much extra baggage goes with being the shark. I understood how the bloodlust just leaves you hunger just as you've finished. And I understood just how weak that part of me is now, and how much weaker it will become as I learn how to smile.  
  
"No, I don't." I answered honestly. "But, Laguna, It would have been nice."  
  
"Yeah." He answered, taking a bite out of his pancakes.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Rinoa POV)  
  
It's funny how quickly you get used to something that feels so natural. Like showers and shoes and cereal and the loving touch of a pair of arms wrapped around your waist. It's funnier still the reactions you have to the sudden withdrawal of these things. Like overusing perfume and deodorant when you can't shower. Like the pain in your feet new shoes give you. Like the bitter taste in your mouth from a sudden change in cereal. Or how you wake up abruptly and cold when you don't feel those arms wrapped around your waist. Sure, I vaguely recalled Squall waking up a few hours prior and whispering me back to sleep, but that didn't stop my body from shuddering involuntarily at his absence.  
  
It took me much longer to get ready without his strange combination of playful prodding and amazing efficiency in every single thing he does. I showered at my leisure, took my time picking out my outfit, slowly and carefully put on my makeup. By the time I had finished my morning routine, an hour and a half had past since I had got out of bed. Despite that, it was still early. 8:30 A.M. Which was extremely early for any of us this weekend, given we had been sleeping in until well past noon, because the others knew it was back to five o'clock alarms once they got back to Garden.  
  
I went to step out the door, to go to breakfast, but then the events of the past night came flooding back to me. As much as I love Squall, I didn't want to eat breakfast with a wall this morning, so I decided to call in a little prank on my friends, an 8:37 wake-up call to each of their rooms. I giggled to myself as the guys stumbled out a half hour later, looking hung over and I giggled more at the girls exited fifteen minutes later, looking spectacular. I decided the primary difference between men and women lay unveiled in that one moment: Effort. Guys have absolutely none in the little things, while women pay immaculate attention to every detail.  
  
Selphie giggled as she pulled Irvine along by the brim of his cowboy hat, easily accessible from his bent position. Zell made quite the show, dragging himself along, begging Quistis and I to help him along. When it was obvious the two of us were going to pay no heed to his cries he sighed melodramatically, and walked out in front of us, mock whispering something to Irvine about how we 'wouldn't even help a guy on the verge of passing out.'  
  
"Well, maybe if you were a little tougher, Zell, we wouldn't have to be constantly helping you out" Quistis said, her eyes innocent as a caricature.  
  
"Yeah, Chicken-Wuss." Irvine's tired mind shot at Zell, who rolled his eyes in an uncharacteristically calm reaction. Maybe it was because it was no use bothering yourself with insults made by a guy being led around by a girl no more than five foot to by the brim of their cowboy hat. Too many comebacks to even say one.  
  
Now, as we entered the dining room, I should really explain my expectations of the situation. To show just how much my mind was blown given what I ended up seeing. When Squall had got up this morning, I had expected him to go to breakfast and just get his food. That wasn't a surprise. He does that when he gets upset; he gets food and just watches it like he's expecting it to move or something. But that's about all I had expected, Squall staring down his food, his head resting in one hand, his mind anywhere but there. What we got, however, was Squall and Laguna, chatting away amiably. Well, as much as you can call any conversation with Squall 'chatting.' I'm sure it was embarrassing for the both of them, for us to enter with our eyes bulging out of our heads at the sight. Laguna quickly excused himself, saying he had a country to run (or run into the ground he added, laughing) which allowed us to sit down with Squall and immediately pepper him with questions.  
  
Of course, in true Squall-like fashion, he didn't answer any of them with more than a yes, no or glare, even if I hugged him tightly and asked, with my best puppy-dog eyes, 'Pleeeeeeeeease?' All he did then was laugh, shake his head and kiss me on the forehead. Eventually, we all got our breakfast and grew restless with the questioning. Selphie got everyone convinced to go down to a beach with her, but Squall said he'd catch up with them later, and I was too tired to do much of anything besides be in Squall's arms.  
  
"C'mon!" Selphie protested. "We only got one day left with you guys!"  
  
"And we've been waking up at noon all week, so think of it like, if we get there by one, and we'll probably be there sooner, you'll have only missed an hour with us." Squall replied, smiling.  
  
"Yeah." I echoed as I collapsed in his lap. "Give us some time to rest."  
  
"Right. 'Rest." Irvine said with air quotes and a wink, causing both Squall and I to blush furiously as the rest left to the beach.  
  
For a few moments, a silence lingered between us, which was mainly me fidgeting in Squall's lap, trying to get a good look at his face from the odd angle I was at as well as trying to figure out what to say. Really, all I could see was his chin and his left eye, but it was okay, because I was comfortable, but the 'what to say' problem still needed solving.  
  
"So. What WERE you and Laguna talking about?" I settled on, my voice feigning innocence, but I received only an exasperated glance in response. "I know." I quickly amended. "I know you don't want to talk about it, but can't a girl be curious?"  
  
He sighed for a second, but the smiled down at me.  
  
"We basically came to the conclusion that we'd never be father and son in anything but name. And we also came to the conclusion that that was okay."  
  
"That's good." I said as I smiled up on him and gave him an awkward little kiss on the chin, the only body part I could reach with my mouth from my current position. Though I expressed my emotions in two little words, I was very proud of Squall. I mean, it's not exactly the familial bliss I felt he deserved, but the fact that he was TRYING, after so long of not even realizing he was alive was encouraging.  
  
"Yeah." He agreed, tightening his grip around me. "That's good."  
  
Content is a strange emotion when you haven't been exposed to it much. Unless you've experienced it, it's hard to recognize, much less understand. How can a person who has known only fear understand content? Honestly, I don't think they can. And none of us in our little group of six people who had saved the world had ever experienced an emotion with no fear and no worries before. But, if I had to guess what it was, at least for Squall and me, it was this moment.  
  
"Where do you want to live?" Squall asked, after a long silence.  
  
I shrugged lazily. "Some place like Balamb would be nice. Quiet, calm, lazy. But, at the same time, Esthar's great because of everything we could do, whenever we wanted to do it." I hesitated for a second, looking for the best way to put my words. "I guess, I just want to live everywhere. Do anything we want, whenever we want, you know?" I looked up at him through a giggle as he smiled back at me.  
  
"That might be possible." He replied slyly, and when my look turned to one of confusion, he elaborated. "I mean, the rail bridge is up now, isn't it? We could go pretty much anywhere excepted Winhill and Centra by train, and I'm sure we'd want to go with everyone if we went to Edea's house, anyway."  
  
"No Winhill, then?" I asked playfully.  
  
"It'll be our 'vacation' spot." Squall replied with a wink.  
  
I giggled again, and allowed the two of us to slip into a...well, silence isn't the right word. It was just a quiet kind of happiness. Like that feeling of everything having come together. Well, it wasn't LIKE that, because that's exactly what it was. It was the storm having passed and leaving the world only covered in a light sprinkle of dew. It wasn't awkward at all, on the contrary, it seemed completely natural to be here with him and not say anything. Besides, Squall hated 'unnecessary conversation.' That's what he called small talk.  
  
"Where should we go Sunday?" Again, it was Squall who began a new topic of conversation. A surprise. Then again, I guess it was logical. We WERE engaged now. We'd be living the rest of our lives together. Every decision would be one WE would have to make. Not that I thought this sudden reevaluation of our individual decision making processes would be too affected. After all, Squall had started doing things for US a long time ago.  
  
"Next Wednesday." I said, suddenly remembering.  
  
"Hm? What's next Wednesday?"  
  
"Timber's official independence!" I replied giddily. "We HAVE to go, all the resistance members will want to talk to me. Nobody will believe everything I have to tell them! I'll get to see Zone and Watts again! We HAVE to go! Can we go?!"  
  
Squall laughed for a moment, looking down on me with a strange smile on his face.  
  
"You babble when you're happy, you know that?"  
  
"Squall!" I replied, not at all amused at his comical timing. "Don't avoid the question!"  
  
"I'm not avoiding the question. Of course we can go. Why would I say no?"  
  
I smiled widely, giving him another awkward kiss on the chin. Timber, I thought. It seemed so long ago since I was the 'Forest Owl Princess,' fighting for what seemed like such a big thing. Maybe that's what drew me to it in the first place. Liberating a city, it seemed like such a big deal. Something that would affect an entire continent. But, as everything snowballed, I think I got perspective on things. I realized just how small our 'movement,' our 'revolution' really was. But to think that it had actually happened, it still made me feel like I had accomplished something. And on my own. It was something I had helped directly to do, and not just as backup.  
  
I think, for all of us, Ultimecia seemed more like a duty than an accomplishment. It was all of those cosmic all-or-nothing clichés. 'Life or death.' 'Win or go home.' Etcetera and so forth. And, besides that, for me, it was like I watched the entire thing on the sidelines. It was obvious to everyone who had really defeated Ultimecia. It was Squall, who had simply boiled over and unleashed upon the witch every possible blow he could. I think it was the only time I was ever scared of Squall.  
  
But, as I shook thoughts of that horrific battle out of my head, my thoughts turned once again to Timber. To Zone and Watts. I laughed to myself at the constant antics of my companions. Yes, Squall was right those months ago in Timber. We were puny and unorganized, and we must have looked hideously disgraceful to a trained military unit. But that didn't mean we didn't know what we were doing. We had tried so hard and done so much with so little. I think I even got Squall to admit once that, given our resources, we had done pretty well for ourselves.  
  
"What's so funny?" Squall whispered in my ear, sending shivers down my spine as I realized my silent laugh must not have been so silent at all.  
  
"Memories." I said quietly, thanking whatever cosmic forces there may be out there that I didn't lose mine to Guardian Forces at such a young age. "You ever wish you had more?"  
  
Squall nodded down on my head gently. "Yeah, I do. Or, at least, more happy ones. More ones of when Ellone was with us. That's why I started keeping a journal, just like Selphie suggested."  
  
"You doing something Selphie suggested. That's a funny thought."  
  
"I figured, when I started it, I'd only write down the good things, you know? So when I looked back I didn't have to deal with all those bad memories. But then, I realized I'd have to write in it every day."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Because." Squall stated simply, kissing my hair. "Every day I'm with you is a day I want to remember."  
  
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A/N: Hoo! Easily my longest chapter yet, and I did it with only one point of view change! I guess I just work better in the minds of Squall and Rinoa, though I'd probably get too repetitive if I didn't change it up every once in awhile. Hope you enjoyed my own way of dealing with the father/son situation. Anyway, I should probably mention something about not owning Squaresoft or any of the characters of FFVIII sometimes, so I'll do it now. I don't own Squaresoft or any of the characters of FFVIII. Also, a big woo to me hitting 20,000+ words on this story. And I'm certainly not even close to done. I have the wedding, the honeymoon, the fiscal problems with Garden AND that /Drama part in my genre thingy to worry about yet! And the honeymoon alone will take me to chapter 20, if all goes according to plan.  
  
So, yeah, this is gonna be a long story. Hope you enjoy every damn word of it, and for all those who are doing so, silently or verbalizing it in those great reviews (Come on, guys, I'm not THAT good. That CUTE, maybe, but not that good) I love yah all. 


	10. How Do You Say Goodbye?

(Zell POV)  
  
I think we've all been having bizarre thoughts lately. Questioning our own personal reasons for being SeeD members for the first time. Wondering just how stained our own hands were, now that Squall brought it up, and how exactly it would affect our lives. Was this the life we wanted to live? Was this justified, or even moral? It was easy to think about leaving, but, at the same time, we didn't know anything else. This was the only thing we knew we were good at. And, to most of us, Garden was home. Sure, a mobile soldier-scattering military base of a home, but at least it was a home.  
  
Maybe I could go back to Balamb, and just live with Ma. Maybe Irvine and Selphie could get married and jet off to wherever to live the rest of their days in marital bliss (Don't even try to tell me those two aren't getting married, I won't have it.) Maybe Quistis...maybe she could help rebuild Matron's house and run it again as an orphanage. She's always been such a mom to all of us. We all actually have options and possibilities open to us, despite those feelings of this being all we have known. I think, for the first time, we're just starting to realize them. And dust as the two biggest reasons for these thoughts were leaving.  
  
Despite all the put-offs, I always considered Squall a friend. I never tried to make him my friend, though, which might just be why the way we acted towards each other never changed. Squall just answered me more now when I spoke, that was about it. It's bizarre to think that tomorrow, after the sun sets on this peaceful beach and rises again over Esthar's metropolis skyline, I won't be seeing him every day. Squall was truly our rock, like Selphie said. Whenever things got messed up, we looked at Squall's calm demeanor, listened as he steadily gave out orders and executed. It won't just be me that'll be disappointed when Squall leaves, we'll all have lost something, really.  
  
He was an obvious and natural leader, from the second he picked up a gunblade, if not before. Sure, Quistis had been instructor, and her air of leadership was at least equal to Squall's, she simply wasn't as good at it as Squall. Though Quistis had an equal presence, she didn't always have the right words. In great irony, Squall, the one who never knew what to say, always had the right words.  
  
Rinoa told us her and Squall were going to Timber next week, to help celebrate their official independence. She said she hoped we'd be able to show up, and we all smiled and said we'd definitely try, but we all doubted it. Not even Selphie and I, who had been part of the time that started this whole thing, would be allowed off. Even during our vacation, we had heard of the brush skirmishes between renegade Galbadian factions who opposed the release of controlled states and had started guerrilla attacks at portions of the main Galbadian army. We knew we were most likely going to be sent off in some sort of suppression effort just as soon as we got back. It'd be awhile before we would see Squall and Rinoa again. We had to say goodbye now.  
  
But, you know, goodbye has a finality to it that I don't think I'm quite prepared for. Like, you say goodbye to people you aren't going to see ever again, or at least for a long while. And, while I guess I just said that they were going to be gone for a long while, it didn't feel like that would be right. So, instead of saying goodbye to Squall and Rinoa tomorrow morning, I'm just saying 'See you later.'  
  
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(Selphie POV)  
  
I'm sure I COULD be said. You know, if I really wanted to be. But, why? I never saw the point in being sad. Over our childhood, or over having to fight Matron, or even over the Trabian Garden disaster. Not that I wasn't sad, there was absolutely a little part of me that was crying for all of those things. But, why shouldn't I be happy about all the good things? I now have reunited with those friends I had growing up, Matron is back to being, well, Matron and most of the people at Trabia survived, including my friends. When there are just as many reasons to smile, as there are to frown, why not do what's easier?  
  
Which is why I'm so happy over what's happening with Squall and Rinoa. They're getting MARRIED. Am I the only person who understands how big and wonderful and astounding that is? Zell used to joke that, not even a year ago, he didn't think Squall knew how to talk about sex without using a scientific explanation, and now he and Rinoa were discussing children! Maybe I AM the only person who gets it, or maybe it's just everyone else is only now understanding how fast our lives are going by and seeing Squall, the one who had been going, suddenly stopping only made them slowly smile as they went boy.  
  
Disturbing random statistic: The average lifespan of a Balamb Garden student: 63 years. The average lifespan of a Galbadia Garden student: 24 years. The average lifespan of a Trabian Garden student: 19 years. Look at that difference. Balamb Garden is the only garden where students who go into active duty have retired, and pretty much all of it is due to GFs. As a group, we decided not to reveal the truth of the memory destroying capabilities of GFs to anyone but Cid. He came to the decision, same as we did, that it wasn't worth it to destroy that statistic. Living was more important than remembering your childhood, it was deemed. He did; however, change the status of GF use from recommended to 'in use of emergencies only' and supplied every student with a diary 'for recording mission data and personal information.'  
  
Diary. That was my idea. It made me happy to find out my ideas were not only being taken seriously, but also actually used. Squall had even started one, Rinoa had told me, which eased that complex I had that Squall thought of me as just a pest. Sometimes I thought everybody thought of me as a pest, it was one of a small number of things that could bring me down. But, usually Irvy or Rinny would cheer me up.  
  
What WERE Irvy and I, on that note? Sometimes, even I wondered. I treated him like a boyfriend, but we'd never kissed or even made a verbal agreement, if only not to see other people. I WOULD date him, that's for sure. But when I look at Squall and Rinny and try to picture Irvine and me in their place, I can't do it at all. If Irvy and I WERE meant to be, it certainly wasn't in the same way those two were.  
  
Maybe that's part of the reason that I'm not sad, even if I really could be if I wanted to. It's the look in their eyes when they look at each other and know, for better or worse, they're going to be together for the rest of their lives. And it was MEANT to be that way. All you need to do to realize that is look at them and try to do anything but smile. It won't be hard for me to say goodbye, because I won't be able to say goodbye at all, not when they're going to be in my heart every day.  
  
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(Irvine POV)  
  
It's strange. Sometimes, I feel like a bigger outsider from our group than Rinoa, despite being the only one who remembers our past together clearly. It's true enough, that I'm the group's memory. Several times during the trip, Selphie or Quistis or Irvine or Zell had sat down with me, wanting to know. I didn't feel used or unappreciated, though, because they didn't just go 'tell me about me' they just wanted to start a favorite memory of mine and, soon enough, their own recollection of the event would return and we'd just talk and laugh. About playing games down by the beach, or the night conversations we had trying to time Matron's 'check-ins' just right.  
  
We've all changed. It was easiest to realize from my perspective, I think, that Squall was the most drastic. I have to say, Squall, when Ellone was around, was just like the rest of us. He'd play in the beach with us, join our night conversations. But, when Sis left, something inside him kind of died. Maybe he'd learned the wrong lesson from Sis's leaving when he vowed to learn how to live on his own, but it seemed to me that he found whatever his soul had lost in Rinoa, so whatever lesson he had learned didn't matter. He'd found someone who wanted him, despite that cold shell (or perhaps it was because of that shell that she was so interested in the first place.).  
  
Knowing Squall as a kid, though, as well as never experiencing the cold version, I think gave me an advantage in trying to communicate with him. I didn't need to treat him like anything except the guy I knew before, and I think he respected the fact that, as a person, I didn't treat him differently than, say, Zell. It actually helped me in getting to know him. On board the Raganarok, on some of those long trips from one end of the planet to the other, we'd get to talking. Not about anything serious or intensely personal, just about what we were going to do in Lunatic Pandora or how we would deal with Ultimecia. Me getting on his case about Rinoa, him getting on my case about Selphie. Though, Rinoa was a far tenser subject not much more than a week ago as opposed to now. I had to tread on that ground carefully. I could tell when Squall was intensely worried about her, because he'd instantly clam up after the mention of her name and the conversation would be over. I could have felt indignant, thinking something along the lines of 'Hey, Selphie's name doesn't do that to me.' But, then again, Selphie probably wouldn't have gotten me to jump out into space to save her either.  
  
I still utterly marvel at that moment. I think it was the only thing I can remember Squall doing that wasn't logical. Hell, wasn't even intelligent. It was just, 'if she's going to die, I'm going to be with her.' And, miracles apparently happen. I didn't have even the slightest belief in fate until that moment. And, in a way, it changed my very definition of fate. I always thought it meant people who believed things would come to them, if 'destined.' But, I realized fate was just rewarding one good deed with another, and that you had to put something in to get something back.  
  
It makes me wonder what 'fate' would have to say about Selphie and I. I was a 6' 1" cowboy who was still technically a member of Galbadian Garden. How compatible could I be with a 5' 2" hyperactive brunette who often used her weapon for a jump rope? Though, that does always cracked me up, to watch her move fluidly from a singing and skip-jumping to a bundled, energetic howl as she cracked a Grat over the head and then went back to smiling sweetly and skipping rope, without missing a jump.  
  
I know she likes me, I'm not as dense as I am in some guys' feeble dreams, but...I just look at Squall and Rinoa and KNOW they are in love. Could I look at Selphie with those eyes? Could SHE look at ME? Would we be just another couple, or could Selphie or I refer to ourselves as 'us' or 'we'? That's my criteria, by the way. I've determined, in the course of my numerous observations, that THAT is the turning point in a relationship. When it goes from 'So and so and I are going to a movie' to 'We are going to a movie.' Squall and Rinoa did that even before they realized they were in love. Cid and Edea did it as far back as I remember. But, Selphie and I?  
  
I decided that, tomorrow, as a going away gift, I'd get Squall and Rinoa cell phones. It's a way of letting them know that, even though they're going, they could never really leave, even if they tried. Besides, even though neither of us will admit it, Squall and I will probably use them for late night conversations, talking about nothing serious at all, but just talking. Because that's what friends do.  
  
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(Quistis POV)  
  
I'm either the most upset or the least upset of the four of us who will be saying goodbye to Squall and Rinoa tomorrow. I haven't really decided yet. I'm either going to smile at the two, hugging them and joking to them to make sure to visit, or I'm going to break down completely and cry. Maybe both. It's just a massive juxtaposition of emotions. There's elation, over two of my favorite people in the world getting married. There's sadness, over not getting to see their faces every day. There's confusion, still trying to deal with my feelings towards Squall. There's anger, at him giving up on his home, though that's a buried and childishly selfish thought. There's amazement, over this seemingly simple young woman showing her complexities by exposing a seemingly complex man to be rather simple, at the core of it all. And there's content, just at watching them and knowing there is no fear wherever it is they are.  
  
I always thought Squall seemed to exist on a separate plane than the rest of us. A place inside himself where there was nothing and no one else. See, I realized the problem with this: People kept trying to bring him out of that place, myself included (and maybe mot of all). What we didn't realize was that that place was the only place he felt safe, and considered those pulling on him to be enemies, intruders, trying to rape him of his safety. And then Rinoa...she just met him there. She went there with him and talked with him and picnicked with him and sat there with him until one day he realized the artificiality of that safety and simply followed her out.  
  
I guess, at the heart of it all, I don't know how to feel. I don't know which of these emotions will win out in the end, or whether I want to let them. I admit it, I am not as confident in myself as the rest of this little group of us is. I don't know who I am, while everybody else seems to know it so well. How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to feel? It's not that I based the answers to these questions on other people, but I based them not an what I felt, but on what I WANTED to project, who I WANTED to be, what I WANTED to feel, not who I was. And I think this is difficult because it's who I want to be, who I am and who I'm becoming all having different emotions and all coming out at once and I'm confused as to which I am.  
  
I'm jealous of everyone, probably Rinoa most of all, because of that. Everyone except me understands who they are, and how to make their lives happy. Selphie was always the optimist, Irvine only needed a friend and a few women jokes to get him smiling, Zell, despite his ever manic-depressive range of emotions was always sure things would work out. Rinoa...Rinoa was Rinoa. There were more twists and turns to her inner workings than maybe even Squall. But she always knew exactly who she was, and nothing, not even emotional turmoil could change that. Sometimes, I think I was drawn to Squall through that mutual uncertainty of self. Maybe hoping I'd find whatever part of I was missing in him. But I never did, and here had found his in Rinoa. So where was what I was missing? Was I doomed to be alone forever? Whenever I thought that I had to laugh, because it recalled a memory of Rinoa responding to that very same question when I asked it once. 'It takes a person of a certain disposition to think they're doomed to be alone forever at 18, Quistis. And that disposition just doesn't suit you.'  
  
This week might have been the best of my short life thus far. Funny and sadly ironic how the entire Ultimecia situation ended with the best day of my life, and began on the worst. I had lost Squall, at least in my eyes, as I watched him SMILE for the first time in my recollection. I had lost my instructor's license, forcing me to consider my own fallibility, something I still have problems with. If it isn't obvious enough, I have an inferiority complex. Or I'm just inferior, I haven't decided which. But the way this week has ended, I've realized that I don't need Squall or my instructor's license as much as I thought I did. For maybe the first time in my life I'm reacting to who I am, and I'm realizing it isn't that far off from who I wanted to be anyway.  
  
Tomorrow, we say goodbye to Squall and Rinoa, at least until their wedding. And I'll probably smile through restrained tears as I tell them I'll miss them, and that I'll be thinking of them everyday. I will probably cry. But, after they leave, I think I might begin to smile a little more, thanks to them. And thanks to Zell and Selphie and Irvine, too. Because of them, I'm discovering that there's nothing wrong with not being perfect.  
  
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(Rinoa POV)  
  
Sometimes...I feel like I'm so weak. Just small and insignificant and easily crushed. I'd tell Squall sometimes, that I feel like I'm an ant. That something so much bigger than me is going to come and just crush me without thought. And Squall would just quietly remind me that an ant can hold up easily a hundred times it's own weight. I've had this fear for...well, forever. And when everything came crashing down around me and I woke up staring out into space, losing oxygen. I looked 'up' and just thought that I could see that huge foot, sweeping down to crush me. And then, I saw a shadow, and I closed my eyes and let it overtake me.  
  
And it was Squall.  
  
Funny, that. How you expect that final, crushing blow and get salvation. It was, without fail, the most wondrous, glorious and beautiful moment of my life. I thought I was going to cry, but I was too happy. Just to see him there. It didn't matter that we were going to die. We were going to do so together. Fate though, in all her infinite wisdom, provided us with a miracle. A spaceship, tumbling and rolling towards us.  
  
I say it was fate, and I don't know if I'm serious. Squall says he doesn't believe in fate, but I have to wonder what else it could be. Luck and physics, Squall told me when I asked him, his eyes grinning playfully at mine. But, wasn't luck just another word for fate? There's no skill required in either, and they both can be either good or bad. Then again, when did anyone ever blame a death on luck?  
  
Being around Squall gets me thinking a lot more than normal. Not that I mind. Not anymore. Because sometimes I can just look at him and hear him. His face is slowly becoming more and more expressive; the near permanent creases caused by his incessant scowl are beginning to ease up, making him somehow even more handsome than before. He still has that tendency to bring his hand up to his head and lean over when he's mulling over something and trying to block everyone out, but he hardly has to do that anymore.  
  
Sometimes I wonder, was it me who did this? How? When? All we did was fight and bicker for those first few days, even though I was just wishing I could make him smile like he had been when I had been dancing with him. I just wanted to yell and scream at him every time he seemed to not respond, not even notice what was going on around him, because I KNEW there was someone in there that gave a shit. I had seen that person and I didn't care about what reputation or facade Squall had to uphold, I wasn't going to let him suppress that part of him.  
  
How did I fall for him? I guess...all I wanted to do was be there when he let that part of him out. When he'd realize just how falsely safe he was alone. Sure, it meant you didn't have to be worried for anyone else, but it also meant you had no one else. I guess it just depended on what side of the coin you looked at. But, in waiting for him, I realized I had to find where he'd be coming from. I know, I'm speaking in metaphor and riddle but...think of the brain as a big series of corridors with a bunch of rooms. To wait for him, I needed to know what door he was behind. And in looking for him behind all those doors, I came to understand him, little by little.  
  
But it was more than just knowing him that intimately. It was just. Argh. I don't know how to explain it. It wasn't logical, it wasn't precedented. There is no why, there is no how, there just IS. I love him, and I don't know how or why I feel in love with him. But I just know that when I'm with him, I feel all the comfort in the world. Like, time itself has stopped and there is nothing but peace and our opportunity to see it the world at it's most perfect.  
  
But I have to bring myself back to the present. And this is what I was getting at when I said that sometimes, I just feel so weak and small. Because tonight, all I did was cry. I know, it's childish and silly because it's not like I'm DYING. It's not like we'll never see them again. We can go to Balamb whenever we want, show up out of the blue and waltz in and go 'Hey, what's up, everybody!' But tomorrow we're saying goodbye. Goodbye. Such a big word, for being only seven letters, isn't it? I never like to say it.  
  
But, then I just look at where I'm going to be going. And whom I'm going with. My love. My knight. My everything. I know I'm going to cry tomorrow as I do say goodbye, it's a foregone conclusion. And I will feel weak and childish and silly for it. And I know Squall will smile at everybody and maybe he'll let himself hug them (or maybe I'll just have to force him to) and feel sad. But, once we get on that overnight train to Timber, and it is just he and I, everything will be okay.  
  
Everything. 


	11. Oceans Are Big

(Squall POV)  
  
Allow me this one childish thought:  
  
Oceans are big.  
  
You don't really get a sense of this traveling at hundred of miles an hour inside a spacecraft, nor do you understand it when all you're thinking about is danger and battle strategies and how many people from Trabia survived and why won't people just leave me alone. Forgive me, because it's been a long time since I've had any childish thoughts, but I think right about now I deserve one. So there it is. Oceans are big. I've used up my quota.  
  
This comes to me just now, as I am standing, looking over the ocean that separates Galbadia from Esthar, preparing to say goodbye. The bags seemed so much heavier on the walk hear, and I don't know if it has more to do with the circumstances or the fact that I carried them halfway across Esthar - they don't allow baggage on the lifts. Though, it'd be much more logical if it was the prior, I only carried about a third of my bags.  
  
I hate this, in a way. Not the saying goodbye, not the Hyne-forsaken final speech I have to make to Balamb Garden via telecom, just the fact that this is my first day as a free man and I'm spending it on schedules and responsibilities, still living up to other people's expectations. It's annoying, to say the least. So here I am, off on one of those sectioned off ridges made especially for tourists, complete with those 5 gil binoculars that go for thirty seconds.  
  
Zell and Irvine are busy setting up the portable video link, the girls are over by the train talking and crying and giggling and going through the entire gamut of emotions. I...I don't know how I can feel anything but utter joy for this moment. That might sound callous, as there's leaving friends, leaving homes, leaving purpose. But the home and the purpose seem now to be false, and the friends...maybe I'm running from them because I'm too frightened to see them die.  
  
I want to be a cowardly old man, who has had nothing bad happen to him and had no one close to him die. And I want to die with my wife in each other's arms and I want matching cemetery plots and... And Hyne, I'm fucking morbid. I apologize for that, though given the fact that my life has certainly thus far revolved around death, maybe I have an excuse. People, for all their attempts to deny it, are most definitely shaped through the circumstances of their life.  
  
"Hey, ugly!" Irvine calls over to me, waving his arm. "Get that speech of yours ready, we got this thing just about ready."  
  
Great. I pull the crumpled piece of paper out of my pocket, giving it a quick once over before sighing at it and throwing it over my shoulder and into the water below. I don't want to spend any more time with official statements and prepared documents, I don't want to read what will be some of the last words some of these people ever hear from me. As I walk, I sigh heavily, trying to figure out what I want to say and ending up only coming to the conclusion that I am going to make a fool of myself.  
  
"C'mon, man, loosen up." Zell says, patting me on the back as I stand up to the high-tech looking device. On the monitor in front of me, Cid's ever- smiling face looks back at me. His smile grows wider as he sees me, swelling in what I suppose must be surrogate fatherly pride.  
  
"Hello, Squall." Cid says to me as even as he can muster.  
  
"Hello, sir." I say, though my even voice reflects my emotions.  
  
"Before you make your speech, Squall, I want to tell you that...you've always been like a son to me. And that I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors."  
  
"Thank you, sir."  
  
"And...I hope you aren't a stranger to us for too long."  
  
"I'll try not to be, sir."  
  
"Alright, Squall, I'm hooking you up to the intercom, and the video image is being transferred to the Quad. This particular old man thinks he might cry if he heard your speech."  
  
I pause for an awkward moment, unsure of how to respond, before uttering a garbled "Yes, sir."  
  
The image before me crackles and fades for a few scant seconds, before the static fades again to show a mass of people, all huddled into Quad. I hear Selphie's voice squeak something behind me, no doubt about how she planned the massive screen that I was no doubt appearing on right this moment. I hid the smile that fought to grow on my lips from Selphie's contagious excitement by channeling the fear of seeing all these people, waiting for me to say something.  
  
"I'm sure you're all wondering why you've been gathered her today, to hear your Commander give a speech from Esthar when he could just as soon give one when he got back, right?"  
  
Murmurs of ascent ripple through the crowd.  
  
"And..." I sigh heavily, forcing the last part of it to become a chuckle. "That's the thing isn't it? I, Squall Leonheart..." I let the silence linger on for a moment, trying to gather up the words in my throat. "...Am not coming back to Garden."  
  
That got their attention.  
  
"I will..." The commotion drowned out my voice. "I will..." I try again, with the same results. "Excuse me." I state in a low growl, enough to stop most any conversation. "I will, in name only, remain your Commander. I am taking an indefinite leave of absence from Garden to, among other things, get married to Miss Rinoa Heartilly."  
  
My friends chuckle in the background at the crowd's reaction. "That's right, he's all mine!" Rin yells to the disappointed females, and even I have to laugh at that as she hugs me tightly from behind.  
  
"Now, I know that I am leaving a big space to fill with my take of leave, so I have decided, as my final act as active Commander of Balamb Garden, I will do two things. The first is to restate Rank A SeeD Quistis Trepe's instructor's license." I hear Quistis gasp in surprise as I continued. "And the other is to appoint Ms. Trepe, along with Xu Fairchild, each to the position of Assistant Commander."  
  
The crowd cheered louder than I could have expected a pair of promotions. Xu, who I caught in the background, looked aghast and taken aback, and I'd be more surprised if Quistis behind me HADN'T fainted. I smile faintly, asking Xu to come up in front of the vid screen and I step aside, looking back at a sight I had never seen before, a completely white Quistis Trepe.  
  
"Go, ahead, Quistis. Make your first speech as Balamb Garden's Assistant Commander."  
  
Quistis, maybe for the first time I had ever seen her, seemed completely speechless. She begins forward in shaky small steps, her arms - as always - neatly folded at her sides. Xu, who has made her way to the front of the crowd, looked over her shoulder back at the screen, at Quistis' nervous face and smiling at her reassuringly. I see Quistis nod, maybe to Xu, maybe to herself, and take a deep breath in.  
  
"Umm...Oh, God. I don't know what to say. Xu? Perhaps you're more eloquent at the moment?"  
  
I smile along with the rest of the student body as Xu a grin appeared on her face in agreement and she launched into a seemingly prepared speech. How that woman could deal with anything and everything so quickly was beyond me, and I knew that it would help to have both of them balancing each other out. Quistis looked back at me, her mouth still somewhat agape. I just left my smile on my face and nodded to her. Kind of cruel, I suppose. Here I was, finally doing things for my friends, not even an hour before I'd be leaving them.  
  
Xu wraps up her short speech, turning things over to Quistis with a polite round of applause. Quistis turns again to the monitor, clearing her throat a few times over before laughing self-consciously.  
  
"I...still don't have any idea what to say." Again, that nervous little laugh. "I guess, all I can say is that I am more than honored by this and I only hope I can live up to the expectations of everyone in Garden. Thank you."  
  
Her voice is so nervous, even more so than the night of the graduation ball, when she told me that she had lost her instructor's license. At the time, her speech seemed tiring...none of my business...why should I care...blah blah blah blah blah. But this time, I empathized with her. How well would I have dealt with the failure, if I were in her spot? How would I have dealt with it if I were in Seifer's place, in a state of what seemed to be perpetual failure? Would I have been better off? Or worse? I remembered Deling City, and Irvine and thinking about how good and evil weren't actual things, they were just circumstance and point of view. So, what if I had been in Seifer's place? Would I, too, have succumbed?  
  
Realizing Quistis was looking at me, I take a step back up to the monitor and speak one final sentence to Garden.  
  
"This is Commander Squall Leonheart, signing out."  
  
------------------------  
  
(Quistis POV)  
  
"This is Commander Squall Leonheart, signing out."  
  
I smiled slightly to myself. No goodbyes, no well wishes, no good lucks. Just 'signing out.' It was fitting, really. There were no presumptions of the future, no dwelling on the past. Today, right here, he was merely signing out. Cutting every tie but four with Balamb Garden. And those ties had more to do with the people than the place. Selphie, Irvine, Zell and...me. Assistant Commander Quistis Trepe. It's funny, I'd been going over and over in my head for the past two days who it is I am. 'Who am I?' The question repeated itself in my mind more times than I'd like to recall. And yet, there it was coming from Squall's voice. And he said it, not with hesitation, but with confidence. I AM Assistant Commander Quistis Trepe.  
  
I know, I know. It sounds a bit egomaniacal, the way that I want to say it and say it again. But it's not ego, it's joy, it's pride, but most of all, it's UNDERSTANDING. Understanding of self, understanding of where I stood to everyone. Something I have had entirely too little of ever since losing my instructor's license. Squall, Squall had just given me one of the greatest gifts of my life and he hadn't even realized it. And that, in a way, made it more special. He didn't do it to make me feel better, he did it because he felt I was qualified for the position.  
  
The monitor switched off, allowing me to turn back at all five of my friends and see them all looking at me, smiling. I didn't want to cry, in fact, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and I tried to hold them back. But, Squall, in his way of modestly stating - in words or actions - the entire world in just a moment, began to clap. And all of my friends, too, and it wasn't thunderous ovation, it was just simple applause. And I couldn't hold back the waterworks anymore.  
  
I cried.  
  
And, for the first time, it didn't feel like weakness. Rinoa and Selphie both hugged me tightly as Zell and Irvine made some comment to Squall that I couldn't catch. Squall chuckled slightly, shaking his head and looked at me again. I smiled at him, mouthing the words 'thank you.' He shook them away, though, and though he didn't say it, I understood what he meant: 'There's no reason to thank me, I just did what I thought was right.'  
  
"So, Assistant Commander Trepe." Zell said, coming up to me. "What is your political stance at the hot dog situation at Garden?"  
  
I laughed, shaking away my tears as Rinoa and Selphie let go of their embrace, doubling over with giggling.  
  
"Why, Zell, that should be obvious." I stated, making myself to seem completely serious. "They only go to the Trepies!"  
  
Zell's jaw dropped and he turned to Squall who was busy loading his And Rinoa's bags into the luggage car of the train that had arrived a few moments ago.  
  
"Hey, Commander!" Zell yelled up to him. "You hear that! Only Trepies get hot dogs! I think we should have her impeached!"  
  
Squall stopped for a moment, turning around and looking down at Zell.  
  
"Two things, Zell. One, I'm not active anymore, so whatever she says goes." Squall let that linger in the air for a couple seconds before grabbing a bag and yelling over his shoulder as he stuffed it in. "And two? You could stand to miss a couple hot dogs anyway."  
  
The Selphie, Rinoa and I laughed, Irvine full busted a gut, and Zell just stood there, flabbergasted. Finally, after about thirty seconds of silence, he threw up his arms in frustration and turned to us.  
  
"Man, when even SQUALL is dissing you, you know it's just not your day." Zell muttered, causing us to dissolve into laughter once again. Laughter was nice here in this moment, it made us forget why we were here right now.  
  
Squall came down the steps again, grinning at the reaction his joke had caused. He picked up the last two bags on the ground and, just by that simple action, it seemed to bring the reality of this entire situation down upon us. Rinoa slowly moved over to Squall, giving him a quick kiss before looking back at the other four of us.  
  
"Yeah, well..." Zell started. "I guess we'll see you later, man."  
  
"Yeah..." Irvine trailed off. "Before you go I kinda, uh, got you guys something." He pulled something out from the fathoms of his trench coat - two small boxes - and tossed one to each of them. They were cell phones. "You know, in case you guys ever want to talk."  
  
"Thanks, Irvine." Squall said quietly, but genuinely. I got the impression there was a private joke in here. Will, not a joke, but just some sort of reference to something only they knew about.  
  
"Awww, thank you Irvine." Rinoa said after a bit, giving the cowboy a big hug. Her voice was obviously choked a little and I could tell she was holding back tears, just like I was.  
  
"Oh, Rinny. I...I'm just so happy for you!" Selphie half cried, half yelped before embracing her in a big hug where she - much to everyone's surprise and amusement - managed to pick the soon-to-be Mrs. Leonheart up. Eventually she let go of Rinoa's half astounded, half giggling form and she turned to me, smiling.  
  
"Quisty..." She began, but I cut her off.  
  
"Rinoa, I'll miss you so much."  
  
And, we both just let go and started crying, embracing each other. And we just began talking to each other through the tears, just saying things to try to make the other feel better. "I'll visit all the time." "There'll always be a place for you at Garden." "We'll have pictures of you guys all around the house." "We'll have pictures of you guys all around the office and our dorms." "We'll think of you every day." "We'll think of you every single day."  
  
Finally we let go, laughing at ourselves self-consciously. And I turned to Squall who had been watching the whole thing and, though his posture was stoic as ever, I could see his eyes misting over a little bit. And, I knew, in that one moment, I had worked up an amount of courage I would never have again. I walked right over to him.  
  
And I kissed him.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Rinoa POV)  
  
While not of Selphie proportions, I have an infatuation with trains. Something about them is astounding, much like any mechanical object when you really think about it. Every invention humankind has made - once you really start thinking about it - is astounding. But something about looking out and not seeing the rails, not seeing the wheels, just seeing Squall and the endless ocean that his face is silhouette against makes me marvel all the more.  
  
"Hey." I say to him quietly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Quistis kissed you." I say to him, trying to contain my giggles.  
  
"Yes. She did." He sighed. I must have reminded of this a dozen times. I don't know why I found it funny, I mean, shouldn't I feel jealous? And it's not like Squall didn't enjoy it or push her away. But I'm a believer in a meaningless kiss. Well, that wasn't really a meaningless kiss. It seemed to me like it was a breaking away for Quistis. Getting that chapter of her life over with so she didn't have to live with questions.  
  
"Do you WHY she kissed you?" My voice teased at him again.  
  
"No."  
  
"She was trying to make sure."  
  
"...Make sure of what?"  
  
"That it was the right decision to let you go."  
  
"And you know this how?"  
  
"'Cause I listen and watch people a lot. She loved you, yah know."  
  
He snorted. "Right."  
  
"She did!" I don't know why him discarding that thought perturbed me, but it did. "What, you didn't see it? You know, for the longest time I thought she was going to eventually be the girl for you."  
  
He adjusted himself in his reclined seat so he was resting his head on one hand and looking at me. He seemed...troubled? Curious? Confused? Maybe all of those things.  
  
"I mean...before, well..." I tried to blubber my way through my thoughts. "Before I fell in love with you or, um, when you fell in love with me, or...I mean...when we fell in lo-" He cut me off with a kiss.  
  
"I know what you mean." He said after he broke away. "Go on."  
  
I looked at him strangely, my mouth trying not to smile at his unorthodox methods for settling me down, but continued without commenting.  
  
"It's just. When I saw you for the first time, at the graduation dance. I remember thinking - well, not much of anything. I just imagined some gorgeous blonde coming up to you and you smiling down at her and her fawning all over you."  
  
"But you came over anyway."  
  
"Hoping against hope." I said simply, smiling at him.  
  
"Well, you got me."  
  
"Took enough pulling and prodding."  
  
"I didn't just mean at the ball."  
  
"Neither did I."  
  
He opened his mouth, but then shut again, his eyes smiling at me. He shook his head, grinning - to me? to himself? - in amusement.  
  
"I'm going to spend the first half of my life with you just trying to figure you out, you know that?" He says, finally.  
  
"And the other half?"  
  
He laughed, turning to look outside the window.  
  
"Enjoying it, obviously." 


	12. Has The World Been Turned Upside Down?

A/N: Spontaneous chapter, unplanned and unprecedented. In fact, I never really planned to mention Seifer in this story. Hmm. If it sucks, blame lack of foresight. But not me. Also, anyone who enjoys music and at the same time reads this MUST download Sunny Day Real Estate's "Song About An Angel." No, seriously. If you don't, get out of my story, toser. Also, "Off The Rails" by The Notwist, which is the song I quite imagine Seifer humming here. Hmm. Oh yeah, how the hell do I work this thing in order to review? I must be a complete idiot.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Seifer POV)  
  
Sometimes, when Fujin, Raijin and I aren't fishing I just sit next to the railways and watch the train go buy. Humming some indistinct tune that comes to me whenever I hear that distinct chugging coming from Esthar. The passengers get off, have some seafood, chit-chat a little bit, get back on the train and then it's off only to return with another set of wealthy tourists ready to blow wads of cash in Esthar.  
  
I know, I know. I sound bitter, but in all actuality, I'm not. It's soothing in a way. I observe people a lot now. You can tell a lot about people just from their mannerisms. You can tell if they're from Deling or Timber just by how they hold their forks. You can tell if they're Galbadian or Balambite from the clothing styles, or even just hand gestures. Balmambites are far more expressive with their hands while they're talking. Galbadians consider themselves above such childish things.  
  
It's been a week already. Since I was this horror movie character. The traitorous knight, casting the Princess into the depths of despair. And now here I am, living in Fisherman's Horizon a place where violence isn't even allowed. What happened? Mind control? Epiphany? All of the above? You know, I'd like to be able to lay the blame somewhere else. I'd like to shove off all responsibility for my actions and file it away under "Sorceress Ultimecia's Control, Vol. 1" But I can't. I did this. I thought I was right. I thought I was just. I thought I was righteous.  
  
'Lord what fools these mortals be.' I read that in a play once. And now I actually understand. Everyone's an idiot at some time or another. Okay, maybe that wasn't what The Bard had intended when he wrote it, but that's how it comes across today. You fuck up sometimes, other times you REALLY fuck up. But that doesn't mean you can't realize that. Maybe you fuck up so badly you don't deserve to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean you haven't learned from your mistakes. So, yeah, I did a really bad thing. Well, really bad things. Plural. But I see that now, yeah it's with the help of having my dream taken away from me, with the help of my friends leaving me, but at least I SEE it. That's what counts, right?  
  
It's a bad day for fishing, and Fujin and Raijin are holed up in our apartment. Sometimes it's good for me to get away from them. Raijin talks too much and Fujin talks too little. It's like a bad episode of 'Three's Company.' So I watch the trains come in and hum an unfamiliar tune that somehow reminds me of that trademark chugging sound. I glance slowly towards the Estharian horizon. It's 5:27 in the evening, and I should be able to catch a glimpse of the train headed to Timber in just a few moments. I wonder fleetingly if I should attend Timber's independence celebration - last summer with Rinoa it became almost a personal obsession - but I shake those thoughts loose before they become too serious. It wasn't my cause anyway, I was just out to impress an impressionable girl. That and seeing Rinoa will do me absolutely no good.  
  
About the only other friend I've made in this place - and I'd call it a hellhole if it weren't another 'h' word (home) - is the primary conductor, Terryl. He's a gangly guy and is a couple decades my senior, which still only puts him in his thirties. He's got a better sense of humor than Fujin or Raijin and we amuse ourselves comparing notes and telling jokes about the various passengers on board. He'll brief me on what to expect and then I'll shoot off my mouth to them and then we'll laugh together. Yeah, I guess you could still consider me an asshole but, honestly, a joke is just a joke even if it makes fun of stereotypes. So long as you don't intend or take it personally.  
  
The train screeches to a stop, betraying it's age as it comes to a stop a few inches farther than the day before. I catch Terryl's eye and wink at him, which just makes him shake his head. He can probably see it in my eye that I'm up for some trouble-making.  
  
"What's the special today, Ter? The normal smattering of tourists, dignitaries and retards?" I ask as I climb up the steps, suspending myself from the railing.  
  
"Hoo, boy, Seif. Got a good one today. Someone you might even know. SeeD boy."  
  
This immediately catches my attention. "Really? What's he look like?"  
  
"'Bout your height. Brown hair. Scar just like yours right down his nose."  
  
Oh, Hyne. No way. "Oh, Hyne. No way."  
  
This brings a hearty laugh to Terryl's lips. "Know him, then?"  
  
"Know him? Ter, I gave him the scar." I announce arrogantly, but Terryl's continuing laughter brings me back down to reality.  
  
"Yeah, and let me guess who you got yours from." Ouch. The guy's smart, I have to admit. "So what's our quarry's name?"  
  
"Squall Leonheart."  
  
Terryl's eyes go wide. "Squall Leonheart? THE Squall Leonheart? 'Savior of the Planet' Squall Leonheart? You not only KNOW Squall Leonheart but you gave him a permanent scar?"  
  
That's what they're calling Squall now? Jesus, I bet if he ever heard it he'd actually get angry. He'd absolutely hate to hear his name preceded by the word 'THE.' Hell, he hated it when anyone said his last name period, unless it was Garden Faculty, instructors or Cid.  
  
"Yeah. Though to me he's just 'Squall.'"  
  
"What, were you two friends?"  
  
"Nah, just knew each other for a really long time."  
  
"So do you know the pretty little thing he's engaged to."  
  
"No." Wait. What? "Wait. What?"  
  
Again, Terryl laughs. "Pretty young thing. Long black hair, real fair skinned. About your age. Amazing diamond ring on her left hand and trying to tear her off of Mr. Leonheart looked like a pretty tough task."  
  
Squall's engaged to Rinoa? What the hell? "Terryl, you'd tell me if the world was turned upside down and beaten with a stupid stick while I was sleeping, right?"  
  
"Of course, Seifer."  
  
"And nothing like that happened last night?"  
  
"Nah. I did feel some rhythmic vibrations last night but I just figured that was one of the many couples on their way to Esthar in the bed cars 'consummating' their relationship." Terryl winked at me and, despite the fact that the whole damn world seemed to be turned upside down, I just had to laugh.  
  
"So, they eating?"  
  
"I'm assuming so, why?"  
  
"Unfinished business, I guess."  
  
Terryl again seemed amused. "What? Gonna try finishing off that scar?"  
  
"Nah, just gotta see what the hell is going on."  
  
"Whaddaya mean?"  
  
I sighed in frustration. "If he's got a scar like mine, it's gotta be Squall but...Hyne, it just doesn't sound like him."  
  
"Think he'll be happy to see you?"  
  
I laughed. "Definitely not."  
  
------------------------  
  
(Rinoa POV)  
  
I hate to even bring this up...but, sometimes I get bad feelings. Like, intuition. And no, it's not a sorceress thing, I had these feelings the night my mom died and the day my dad became...Caraway. Personally, I'm amazed they're different days. But, more to the point, I get these feelings. Like something bad is going to happen or is happening. And I don't want to bring it up because right now is probably one of the best times of my entire life and...I guess I'm just hoping if I don't think about it will go away. But, unfortunately, these bad feelings of mine are usually right.  
  
"So when do you think the staring is gonna stop?" Squall's voice snapped me out of my reverie.  
  
"Hmm?" I managed.  
  
Squall gestured covertly to me at the rest of the people in the small seafood restaurant we had stopped to have dinner at during the two hour layover in Fisherman's Horizon. Almost all of them were either blatantly staring or throwing surreptitious glances his way whenever they thought we weren't looking.  
  
"The staring." Squall repeated. "When do you think it's going to stop?"  
  
I smiled at him, not sure what he was thinking. "Why?"  
  
"That's what I was thinking, too."  
  
What? "You were wondering why you wanted to know when it's going to stop?"  
  
Squall chuckled through his cod. "No." He answered after swallowing. "I was wondering why they're staring."  
  
"Squall, I know you're all about efficiency, but sometimes more than one word answers will help people understand you." I prodded him gently. "And, as for your questions. They're staring because you saved the world, and it'll stop when they forget the world was saved."  
  
"Great. So you're saying they're not staring at you?" He deadpanned.  
  
"Please, Squall. All eyes are on you." And it was the truth. His name had become pretty synonymous with the entire ordeal. I'm sure if it was just me here, hardly anyone would have noticed. "So answer MY question, Squall. Why were you wondering?" I asked him playfully, fiddling with my lobster.  
  
"Well, if they're just looking at me like you say, then I'd have to say that I'm not worth looking at."  
  
"Then how come whenever I close my eyes, I only want to see you?"  
  
He paused, and I knew my question - well, let's face it, cheesy line - had thrown him. He took another bite of his cod before shaking his head in genuine wonder. "I don't know." He said finally.  
  
"Squall?" I questioned gently.  
  
"Yeah?" He looked up, wondering why I had used such a soft tone.  
  
"What do you mean you 'don't know'?"  
  
He looked a little confused for a second, at my question, at my concern.  
  
"I mean that I don't know."  
  
"You mean, you don't know why I love you?" This is why Squall frustrates me so much. He never admits to himself - or he never believes - that he's something more than just some bum. He seems not to know that he's funny or intelligent or genuine.  
  
"Why do you sound so surprised? You didn't know why I love you."  
  
Or the only person able to make me completely eat my own words.  
  
"You're amazing."  
  
"Huh? What do you mean?"  
  
"Just that." I said simply. "You're amazing."  
  
"I fail to see anything amazing about me." Squall replied, matter-of- factly, taking another bite of his fish.  
  
"Which just makes you more so." I smiled, stealing my own bite of his food.  
  
Squall merely continued to eat his food, declining to accept or even acknowledge my compliment. Sometimes, I didn't understand that about him. About how he could be so completely unwilling to receive a compliment. I think, though, I'm beginning to understand it more. It's not that he's rude, as I thought when I first met him, it's not like he expects compliments and therefore doesn't acknowledge them. It's that he doesn't believe them. He genuinely doesn't think he's more than one man who followed orders and, just recently, followed his heart.  
  
Sometimes, like I mentioned before, it makes me want to scream. Just grab him by the shoulders, shake him and yell into his face that I can't think of a single reason anyone on this world could think of him indifferently, much less negatively. Other times it's cute and almost endearing. I know modesty is supposedly the art of enhancing your charm by PRETENDING not to have any, but Squall is GENUINELY modest. There's a difference, and it makes all the difference in the world to the people who can pick up on it. It makes all the difference in the world to ME.  
  
It's funny observing the mundane parts of existence. I never really watched Squall eat before. I mean, I've seen it plenty of times. But now I actually watched him. He didn't scarf down his food like Zell and Irvine did, but he didn't try to 'savor every bite' as I had seen so many Galabadian dignitaries pretend to do when Caraway was trying to politically swoon them or vice versa. But, he still ate differently from when he was scarfing down food at Garden, praying he'd be able to digest this before another crisis came up.  
  
He suddenly broke out into restrained laughter and hid his face with a hand.  
  
"Squall?" I asked.  
  
He laughed for a few moments more, before looking up at me. "I just was thinking about something Selphie told me the other day. She said she was planning a newspaper for around Garden and that she'd be editor. I was just thinking of everything that could cause."  
  
I had to laugh, too. "Yeah, I can imagine the headlines. 'Irvine Kinneas swears off women!'"  
  
Squall laughed, too. Having to spit out the piece of cod he had just chewed to stop from choking on it. "Or 'Quistis Trepie says to Trepies: I whip it good.'"  
  
I almost died. Did Squall just say that? We both completely dissolved into laughter and I realized that now everyone was staring at us, but at least it wasn't because Squall saved the world. It was because we were two teenagers acting completely immature in a formal restaurant. Somewhere in the back of my head I was thinking about how nice it was to see Squall allow himself not to worry about outward appearances. Somewhere in the way back of my head, I was thinking about how these bad feelings of mine...  
  
They always come true.  
  
"Or 'Squall Leonheart hits puberty.'" Came the voice from the entrance.  
  
Our laughter died off, all eyes turned to the door and I remembered why I should never ignore these bad feelings of mine.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Squall POV)  
  
These are the thoughts that run through my head when I hear the voice.  
  
1.) Seifer. 2.) Seifer? 3.) Wait a minute. He's still on the puberty thing?  
  
The first because, well, you hear the voice of someone who - the last time you saw them - kidnapped your fiancée and gave her to one of the most evil forces on the planet. The fact that she wasn't my fiancée at the time is moot. I was half convinced that I was going to ignore all rules regarding violence in Fisherman's Horizon and get up and punch the hell out of him. But I quickly realized that Seifer was bound to the same non-violence pact as I was here.  
  
Which brings us to the second thought. Seifer? What the hell are you doing HERE? In Fisherman's Horizon? It was almost humorous to imagine the things that Seifer might have been doing in the time. Fishing, reading and eating seemed like about the only things available in this hellhole. Wasn't he supposed to be out plotting my destruction somewhere for ruining his dream? He looked and sounded almost normal. Snide, and typically arrogant, but certainly not insane.  
  
The third thought, while self-explanatory, also needs a bit of elaborating on. Because it lent validity to the thought that this was not the same Seifer who called himself a Sorceress's Knight just over a week ago. He didn't look like that Seifer, just in his posture, just from the expression on his face. But none of that stops the gut reaction of turning to the person who had been your rival for almost all of your life and leveling him with a glare.  
  
"Hey, Seifer." I say, evenly. "You're interrupting dinner."  
  
Rinoa's carefully regarding each of us. She probably is preparing to separate us from fighting, but I have no intention of it. Seifer is annoying and Seifer is grating and - hell - Seifer still could be the sadist we faced. But to see him with my own eyes. Ultimecia's control over him was almost as blatant as Rinoa's in a way. Except she disguised it behind Seifer's own words.  
  
"Sorry, Commander Puberty." He remarks as he pulls himself a chair to our table. "So how's my favorite SeeD whipped bitch doing today?"  
  
"I'm not a SeeD anymore, Seifer." I say evenly.  
  
This causes Seifer to laugh. Loudly and obnoxiously. "Hoo. Boy. Rinoa, you ever notice how funny this guy is?" And then he turns back to me. "Seriously, though."  
  
"I was being serious."  
  
This is where there's a long, awkward silence. Seifer looks at me, his features tearing through emotions and thoughts at a mile a minute, finally settling on indifference. After a few more moments, he shakes his head in utter exasperation, putting his head into his arms with a sigh. Rinoa and I exchange a confused look. Seifer's behavior was erratic before but this kind of manic-depressive action could be dangerous.  
  
"I swear." The blonde man begins. "This entire world was turned upside down and beaten with a stupid stick while I was sleeping last night. You - out of Seed, engaged to her." He jerks a thumb in Rinoa's direction. "And me not wanting to gut you from head to dick for it."  
  
"Shouldn't I be the one who's angry at you?"  
  
"Why aren't you?" The bluntness of the question catches me off guard for a moment, but only for a moment.  
  
"Because I don't remember this Seifer."  
  
"Good."  
  
Again, an awkward silence threatens, but Rinoa shatters it with a question.  
  
"Seifer." She begins gently. "What happened to you?"  
  
The way Seifer moves in this moment is almost disturbing in how haunted and eerie it seems. Like a switch just flipped on. His entire demeanor changes at the question and his eyes just kind of hollow out. I have an understanding of battle shock, when a man can completely forget losing an arm or a leg in battle because of how traumatizing it was, but a word or a face or a voice can trigger it. That's what this looked like, battle trauma being triggered.  
  
"Trust me, Rinoa." He says solemnly. "You don't want to know."  
  
"I can probably understand better than anyone else, Seifer. Ultimecia controlled me for a little while, too. And you can always talk to Edea-"  
  
"Talk?" Seifer practically spits in interruption. "TALK? That's something I don't EVER want to talk about, Rinoa Heartilly. Not with you, not with Edea. I wasn't CONTROLLED. I did it ALL of my own free will."  
  
By now I'd probably note that all eyes in the restaurant are on us but they haven't really left since we entered. It's just a lot more overt and called for now.  
  
"Bullshit." I say.  
  
"What the hell would you know, Leonheart?" He snaps off, brushing me off.  
  
"Why are you here, Seifer?" I ask instead.  
  
"To piss you off, Leonheart." He snaps again.  
  
"No, not it this restaurant. Why are you in Fisherman's Horizon?"  
  
"Because..." The blonde begins in the same angry tone, but instead of a snappy comeback his voice trails off."  
  
"If you did that all on your own, Seifer, why aren't you trying to kill us?" I ask quietly. "Why aren't you talking about your romantic dream, and how we ruined it?" The anger seems to flow out of him with each subsequent question. "Why haven't you gone after Garden? Why'd you come in here, laughing and joking? If you did all that on your own, Seifer, then this sure isn't adding up."  
  
"So, what." He says bitterly, sitting back in his chair. "It's all a Seifer pity case? Oh, he didn't know what he was doing, Ultimecia controlled him? I don't believe that and I don't want anyone else to."  
  
"And we don't. You're accountable as hell for everything you did."  
  
"Make up your mind, Leonheart. Either I did it all or I didn't."  
  
"You didn't."  
  
"Then why the fuck should I get blamed?"  
  
"Because it wasn't control, Seifer. It was just influence. You did it all in free will, sure. But you never would have done any of it if it weren't for her. Sure, you think you did it all on your own. And maybe you would have done it anyway. But that question would never come up if she hadn't messed with you."  
  
A whistle emitted from the outside, and caused a hustle of commotion from our fellow passengers. Five minutes until leaving.  
  
"Seifer." I said simply. "We gotta go."  
  
"Can I ask you one question, Squall?" He said suddenly.  
  
"Sure." I said, getting up. Mentally noting the sudden change to first name reference.  
  
"Why are you quitting SeeD?"  
  
I smiled. Something I had done more in the past week than the rest of my life combined. In all honesty, it felt nice. And it's even nicer to do it without thinking. To do it automatically. Not to do it because it's a preprogrammed response to show happiness, but because you actually feel good and it's your own head pulling at your lips.  
  
"Me." Rinoa said, getting out of her seat and interlocking arms with me.  
  
As we left, arm in arm, I swear I heard Seifer mutter something including the words 'upside-down' and 'stupid stick.' 


	13. Life Is A Children's Movie

(Rinoa POV)  
  
Timber is free.  
  
I'm going to sit here ignoring the madness of the celebration and just savor in the beautiful sounds that make up those three words. I'm going to let my brain roll the words around in my head and just enjoy them. Take them apart and rearrange them. (Berfet sim ire. Feerib tem sir.) Scramble them and create new words out of them. (Fire. Sir. Brim. Tree. Me.) Enjoy them because, for the first time in my short life, they're true.  
  
And, of course, say them.  
  
"Timber is free."  
  
Squall looks at me out of the corner of his eye, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me close to him. We both sit on the bridge, watching the celebration go on in the entire town from a short distance. I'm sure, to the rest of the world; this just was 'The days the trains stopped.' But to us, to the handful of us who fought for this, devoted our lives to this, would have died for this, it's the best day of our lives.  
  
"Yeah." Squall whispers. "It is."  
  
I know he doesn't really understand. I know he doesn't feel this overwhelming joy threatening to burst forth from his gut and spill all out his mouth and nose and ears and eyes and just make everything so bright. I know the only reason he is here is because I am here. I know he feels awkward and uncomfortable and out of place. I know he doesn't understand the significance of those three words and I know he can't rearrange them and make new words out of them without trying. But he whispers those words and I can tell he can hear everything I'm thinking and understands.  
  
Timber right now is more beautiful than I have ever seen it before. And I'm not just saying that because the attitude of the town is so different now that the citizens are dancing in the streets without Galbadian soldiers anywhere to be seen. But the city lights sparkling on everybody's heads, every door open and window unlocked, every wall cleaned. It looks like a TOWN again. It looks the way I first saw it, through the rose-colored glasses of a spoiled rich girl who thought small town life would be just oh so wonderful. Except now the glasses are gone.  
  
"Rinoa!" An older woman's voice exclaimed behind me and shocks me almost entirely to my feet, bringing Squall along with me.  
  
"Oh! Dreylen! Is that you?!" I hugged the thin woman of about forty something tightly. "Hyne. It's been years!"  
  
"Oh, Rinoa. I can hardly believe that's you." Dreylen smiled through tears. "You look so beautiful. And who's this?" She gestured towards Squall." You're boyfriend?  
  
I smiled, holding up my hand. "Fiancée, Dreylen. His name's Squall."  
  
"Squall?" She turned towards him, her eyes shooting up. "Squall Leonheart?"  
  
"Yes, actually. Hi." He extended a hand toward her - an uncharacteristic move that I didn't miss - and Dreylen took it as if to shake it, and then grabbed him suddenly into a hug, whispering something into his ear. When she pulled away, Squall looked vaguely serious, but also with the hints of a smile.  
  
"Well." Dreylen continued to me, as if nothing had happened. "You sure know how to pick 'em, Rinoa. Cute, strong and the most famous person in the entire world? You must've had a shooting star on your side."  
  
I smiled brightly at this, exchanging a glance with Squall. "Yeah, Dreylen, we kind of did." She looked at me oddly for a moment, but before she could say anything I continued. "Oh, Hyne, where are my manners. Squall, Dreylen is - well, she's almost like my adopted mother. After I ran away from home and came to Timber, she essentially raised me from a 12 year old girl and got me involved with the resistance."  
  
Squall smiled at her amiably and I had to laugh to myself for a moment, daydreaming about what it would be like if Dreylen ever met the old Squall. I wondered if she could have seen what I had. I knew she would have pushed the boundaries of his standoffish personality. I wondered if she would have been able to break it like I had. Of course, I had the benefit of knowing there was something behind those frozen eyes, I had just needed to find it again.  
  
"So, how'd you meet MISTER Squall Leonheart, Rinoa?"  
  
Squall stiffened up for a second, causing me to giggle before responding. "You should probably just call him Squall, Dreylen. He's not exactly comfortable with people being gushing over him."  
  
"Oh, Hyne, I'm sorry Squall." Dreylen said quickly.  
  
Squall shrugged it off, mumbling about it being okay, and again I had to smile inwardly. To see Squall being so personable, earnest, or even just willing to accept hearing his full name was something nice to see.  
  
"Oh, and how did we meet? I guess I have you to thank for that, Dreylen." I began. "If it weren't for being a member of the resistance I would never have gone to that SeeD ball."  
  
"And then she'd never have dragged me onto the dance floor." Squall interjected.  
  
"And then I'd never have taught you how to dance." I shot back.  
  
"And then I'd never had to have been embarrassed at running into no less than three couples on the dance floor." He replied quickly.  
  
"And then you'd never be getting married to me. I WIN!" I exclaimed finally, sticking my tongue out at him.  
  
"Well, I win either way, don't I?" Squall replied, causing me to blush furiously.  
  
"Oh, Hyne." Dreylen interrupted. "You two are too cute. I'm going to go down and talk with some of the Forest Fox members. Oh, and I saw Zone and Watts looking for you earlier. You should get down there and party, Rinoa!"  
  
"And let this guy go off on his own? He'd be mauled the second I was out of sight!"  
  
"Ouch, Rin." Squall said dryly. "To think, my fiancée would believe I'd allow myself to be mauled. I'm hurt."  
  
"Meanie." I replied, elbowing him in the stomach. "Well, I'm dragging you along with me to find Zone and Watts, just in case."  
  
"You two." Dreylen said again, shaking her head. "Well, I'll probably run into you again tonight, Rinoa. You can tell me the whole story with you and Squall, then."  
  
"Oh definitely. Well, I'm gonna go find Zone and Watts. I still haven't told them about the engagement!" I called, grabbing a hold of Squall's arm.  
  
"The story is not nearly so interesting as you'd think, by the way." Squall deadpanned over his shoulder as I dragged him away.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I'm sure." Dreylen laughed. "You only saved the world. Couldn't be that terribly exciting."  
  
------------------------  
  
(Squall POV)  
  
I don't belong here.  
  
Maybe it's because I had always scoffed at the prospect of this ever occurring. Maybe it was because of how amateur the only active resistance group was. Maybe it's because I never have felt much empathy for Timber's people, because I had no idea what it felt like. Maybe it was just because I didn't belong (to her)e.  
  
But, really, that doesn't bother me. Before, a situation like this would usually - okay, fine, ALWAYS - make me afraid. I'll pause for a moment to let the irony sink in, the irony of THE Squall Leonheart standing up to Ultimecia and saving the planet, but being terrified of sticking out in a crowd. (Now, of course, I stick out no matter how inconspicuous I act.)  
  
Really, what I had wanted to do is chat with some of the older resistance members. Ones who remembered a free Timber, and maybe a little bit about the war with the Galbadian army. I remembered reading once that history is just a series of surprises, and that all it can teach us is that we'll be surprised again, and I guess I sort of agree with that. But, at the same time, it prepares us for those surprises. What they'll be is a mystery, sure, but to know that they're lying in wait is comforting.  
  
More to the point, though, I had wanted to talk with the older resistance members. Like Dreylen, and others who had started this. Even with the little contact I had with this place, I could still sense a kind of mystique to it. Like a classic painting covered in sheer blankets, and the artist bound and gagged - I could see a brilliance in this place in their eyes. Like, it was more than just seeing this town free, it was being able once again to SEE this town.  
  
What I got was every male from age 12 to 22 hording me for - of all things - autographs. Autographs, like I was some sort of celebrity. I tried to imagine what possible use it could be, even as memorabilia. I couldn't imagine a fifty year old with any dignity left in his body pointing to a napkin I had signed lazily and saying 'That was when I met Squall Leonheart.'  
  
Nor do I want to be able to imagine that.  
  
I don't understand the hero worship thing. What did I do? I followed orders. Why did I succeed? Because failure wasn't a fucking option. It was right place, right time and I shouldn't be celebrated for it, or - more specifically - surrounded and forced to autograph napkins like an aging basketball player for it. They don't see the Timber that Dreylen and the others saw. They see ideals and dreams and idols. I wouldn't take any of what I did back, though. Not because of this, not because of the staring, not because of Seifer. It was because of this that I am with Rinoa.  
  
Funny, how the world still existing isn't the reason I wouldn't take it back - but just one simple person. How I would take it all back if I didn't have her. Maybe it's because I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for her. A few times back in Esthar, with her asleep in my arms, I would just stare at her and think to myself...'I'm alive. I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive. And this - this body I am holding in my arms - is the entire reason why.'  
  
Somehow, through the exhausting autograph session, Rinoa managed to make her way back to me. She didn't say anything as she grabbed me by the hand, and I had to mutter some half-hearted apologies to those who had been waiting. As she dragged me through the celebrating crowd, she said whispered into my ear something about never seeing so many leather jackets in one place before in her life causing both of us to dissolve into laughter.  
  
"Rin." I said finally, as she continued weaving her way expertly through the city. "Where are we going?"  
  
"Trust me, Squall." She said, her eyes smiling at me more than her mouth.  
  
"If only you knew." I muttered under my breath, a smile playing on my own face.  
  
Finally, she dragged me inside a building. I looked at her questioningly for a moment as she paused but she didn't even look back to see the expression on my face. Again, she pulled me her face still lit up like a Christmas tree and mine was illuminated because of it, like a child sitting beneath waiting for the time to open up his presents.  
  
After a few more moments, and a few flights of stairs. (Stairs?) We burst through another door. I wanted to ask her where we were but, as I looked around, it didn't matter. The entire city of Timber laid spread out before us. The celebrating people. The train station. Every house on fire with celebration. We were on the edge of town, I realized, on top of some abandoned housing complex, looking out over the city. Another question came to mind - why we were here - but it was answered with a resounding bang.  
  
I smiled.  
  
Fireworks. Somehow, even here, there was always something to remind me of how our life started. Shooting stars. Fireworks. The strains of music that we first danced to...  
  
"Squall. Lie down."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Lie down."  
  
"Um...okay?" I said, lying down. I couldn't see the fireworks anymore. Couldn't really see much of anything except the stars, the constellations. Oh, hey, there's Orion.  
  
And then, I felt her lips on my own. Could see her gorgeous face in my vision, if only just part of it, if only just the strands of her black hair and the occasional golden highlight. She kissed me, and I kissed her back. This was happiness. Not in that giddy, overactive sense of the word. Just a quiet kind of happiness. She broke away, exiting my vision suddenly.  
  
"There." She said.  
  
"There what?"  
  
"Now I can say that once, after I kissed you, you saw stars."  
  
I smiled. "Rinoa?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'd rather just see you."  
  
No, I didn't fit here. It was obvious. I was a myth, an alien, not a person who existed. I was a fairy tale, my life was a children's movie. And, more than that, I didn't know this place. I didn't understand the significance of the three words Rinoa had whispered when she got off the train from Esthar. I didn't understand just how much it meant that 'Timber is free.'  
  
But Timber, at this very moment, is so much different than any place I have ever been. It's become a place full of hope and optimism. Even the annoying, star-struck adolescents who think I am their personal hero are symbolic of it. Of how, sometimes, everything does come together for a happy ending. Sometimes those fairy tales you read as a child aren't so far fetched as the bitter cynicism that comes with growing up will beat into your brain.  
  
And how sometimes, yes, life IS a children's movie. 


	14. When You Can Do Anything

(Squall POV)  
  
I had never had 'brunch' before.  
  
At Garden, there was no such thing. Breakfast: 0700. Lunch: 1200. Dinner: 2000. If you missed a meal, you went hungry. There were no vending machines. You had to walk to Balamb if you wanted a snack, and a hungry person is not interested in walking five miles just for potato chips. So when Rinoa woke me at 10:30 (How did I sleep until 10:30?) and asked if we wanted to have brunch with Dreylen, Zone, Watts and a few others the first question out of my mouth was...  
  
"What's brunch?"  
  
To which Rinoa giggled and explained, slowly and delibrately, as if I were a small child, exactly what brunch was. Apparently, it a time just between breakfast and lunch for people who either missed the former or wanted a head start on the latter. Go figure. To be completely honest, I found the entire concept a bit silly. Why have a separate word for something that could be fit by two already existing words? It was inefficient and clumsy.  
  
Regardless of the logistics behind the idea of 'brunch' I agreed and there I was, sitting with Rinoa on one side of me and Dreylen on the other. Zone, Watts, an older man, slightly balding, whose name was Treston sat on the other side of the table. The five of them were all making pleasant conversation, while I simply sat there and ate.  
  
I wasn't paying much attention to their conversation, it was typical small talk. Hello, how are you, I am fine, what have you been up to, oh nothing much. That sort of thing just drained and weighed down on me like, like, like I was Atlas or something. So I looked around, smiled amiably, nodded occasionally, and ate. Rinoa would give me a smile, or a wink, or would simply squeeze my hand to reassure me that, at the very least, she was happy that I was there.  
  
It was funny, how that could make ME happy, now.  
  
"So, Squall." Dreylen said. And it was funny how now I was aware of my own name so much more acutely because I realized that it's okay that people wanted to talk to me. "I want the whole story."  
  
I held back a sigh. I really didn't want to be talking about me. "There's not much to tell. I saw her at my SeeD graduation party. Then I was sent to Timber to help liberate it. Then we got caught up in the entire sorceress debacle."  
  
Rinoa looked at me for a second like she thought I was joking.  
  
"What?" I asked, completely oblivious.  
  
"Do you know HOW to tell a story?" She said, half incredulous, half joking.  
  
"Not unless it starts with 'Once upon a time.'" I replied, making everyone crack a few giggles. I surprised myself with that one. She brings out the very, very tiny shred of playfulness I still have left in me. Hopefully, she'll also be able to nurture it and help it grow. It felt good to make people laugh.  
  
"You just made a joke." Rinoa deadpanned, looking at my completely serious face.  
  
"Yes. I did." I said, just as evenly.  
  
She broke out into a big smile at that and I was sure she'd have given me a hug, but as it was we were in kind of an awkward position at the 'brunch' table for hugging.  
  
"Can I tell the story now?" She asked and, at my nodding continued.  
  
"Well, once upon a time." She began, giving me a wink and a giggle. "I was invited by Seifer to a SeeD graduation ball."  
  
Seifer. The name still stirred up a few memories. I remembered so many things about Rinoa and Seifer. Too many things. When she said she thought she loved him in Galbadia Garden. When she asked me if 'he' was here back in that train in Timber. The look in her eyes the first time we fought on Edea's parade float.  
  
"...going to like me, you're going to like me.' That's what I said, and I could tell he was really confused...."  
  
I believed then, I think. That she wanted Seifer. I believed then. I believed when we were in Deling. I believed up until we were in Fisherman's Horizon and she talked to me. Worried about me. And maybe, even then, I thought of myself as a replacement. Sitting in. But then we faced Seifer in Galbadia Garden. And she looked at him as if he were the Devil himself. Not betrayed. Not hurt. Just...'you monster.' Exactly how I felt.  
  
"...tired of pretending he couldn't dance, I guess, because he just stood up in a perfect dance position a..."  
  
Why? Why in the hell is she still here, sitting next to me, smiling because she's talking about me? Why, after all that time of pushing away, did I only need to embrace her once to bring her to me? How did she see right through all apathy and callous treatment to this person sitting next to her now? Still introverted, still quiet, but no longer bitter for the company around me. No longer scared of someone caring.  
  
"...found out later that I was the only person that he let shake his hand..."  
  
Still scared, though, of losing someone. I know, I know. It's completely unwarranted, it's completely unnecessary. The only way I can logically think of losing Rinoa is either by her dying, me dying, or me pushing her away. And, you know what is inconceivably stupid on my part? Sometimes I still consider pushing her away. Can you believe that!? Sometimes I STILL consider pushing her AWAY.  
  
"...saw that attack on Deling in Timber and got so worried for Seifer and..."  
  
I am such a moron.  
  
"...we ended up staying at Forest Fox headquarters..." "You mean Anita's house!" Laughter.  
  
No, seriously. How can I even think that? This woman who has SAVED MY LIFE. This woman who I'M GOING TO MARRY. This woman who means EVERYTHING TO ME. Was I that far gone? Had I been pushed so far that pushing people way was the ONLY thing I could do? Part of me thinks so, but another part of me, the part of me that's sitting here right now, smiling and listening to everyone here chat about 'our adventure' reassures me that there was a person buried beneath all of my defense mechanisms.  
  
"...headed for Galbadia Garden. We wound up getting an order for the assassination of..."  
  
'They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes.'  
  
That's a quote I read from a book in the library, after Rinoa had dragged me there but before I had spoken with Ellone when I didn't know she was Ellone. Just paging through the books and I came to that page and those words were at the top. And that's exactly what happened to us. Wrong place. Wrong time. Naturally, we are now heroes.  
  
"...Caraway sent us on some kind of test of strength, to the Tomb of the Unknown King and..."  
  
But, even more striking than that to me, was the quote I noticed in my room when I first stepped into it after defeating Ultimecia. I was battered, I was bruised, I was completely out of it. But I still saw this small slip of paper out of place in my room and I picked it up and I read it. It was in a handwriting I couldn't recognize, or simply hadn't seen in a long time.  
  
It said, 'When you can do anything, you forget you shouldn't.'  
  
"...Ended up being controlled by the sorceress and about to be fed to her pets before Squall and Irvine..."  
  
When you can do anything, you forget you shouldn't.  
  
It was that little slip of paper, more than anything, that convinced me to leave Garden. Cid, Edea, all the junior classmen, all my peers, all my friends. They were saying, 'You're amazing, Squall!' and, 'Wow, Squall, how did you do it?' and, 'Squall, you can do ANYTHING!' And their voices were pounding and pounding at my head like moths trapped in a lampshade.  
  
"...Squall actually JUMPED OFF THE CAROUSEL, stole a car and drove it right up to Edea. And Seifer was there, too..."  
  
I could do anything. And I didn't want to forget that I shouldn't. So I didn't do anything, I did what was right. I did what was I knew was my best option. I left, so I could do nothing, instead of anything. When you can do nothing, your efforts are never in vain. That was what I wrote on the back side of the piece of paper that still sat in my billfold. My own personal response.  
  
"...Caraway got me out, JUST ME! And Irvine went in there and took me, JUST ME! So I forced him to..."  
  
Caraway. After today, we are heading to Deling City. To speak to Carway. To speak with General Darius Caraway, de facto President of Galbadia. Not about politics. Not about rank. To talk about courtship. To ask this man if I was allowed to have his daughter's hand in marriage. Though Rinoa would say it would be a stretch to call her his daughter. And if there was any righteousness in the world, it wouldn't matter what he said.  
  
"...And I was just so happy to see Squall alive." Here she looked at me, smiling. And I smiled back, not for any particular reason. But just because seeing her smile made me smile. "...Well, after he saved me life, that's when I started..."  
  
I had realized last night that I, too, needed permission from my father to marry, given that I was still a minor. So, at three in the morning, I called Laguna - who was still up, to my surprise - and he got so incredibly EXCITED that it was me on the phone that he spilled his coffee on himself. He asked me what I needed and I said, 'Permission to marry this beautiful woman next to me.' And he said, 'Are you sure Rinoa would be okay with that?'  
  
I laughed. For the first time, in a long time, I laughed at a joke.  
  
'Since I'm the one next to him, I'm more than okay with it.' Rinoa yelled into the phone.  
  
We laughed. Together.  
  
As a family.  
  
"...Split up. Selphie and Quistis and Zell headed to the missile base and Squall, Irvine and I headed to Garden..."  
  
How bizarre it was to think of that. A family. Laguna, Rinoa, Caraway and I were a family. We might be a dysfunctional, bastardization of a family, but we would still be related, despite or maybe because of our dysfunctions. We would have holidays together. We would exchanges gifts with each other. We would stare each other down and we would take each other's sides in arguments.  
  
Am I really only seventeen years old?  
  
"...Fight our way down into the bottom of Garden to start the engines that caused it to fly, and we managed to avoid the...."  
  
Maybe in numerical years. Maybe in the amount of days that I have been alive on this planet. But in experience, and in my mind, I am so fucking old it's not funny. But the great thing about having an old mind is this. You can always make it young again. And that's exactly what I was doing. Rinoa could make me feel 17 again. Rinoa could heal me in a way she would never really understand.  
  
I know I am in love with Rinoa because she can save me from myself.  
  
"...slammed into Fisherman's Horizon, and ended up being stuck there for days. We were so worried about where the others..."  
  
What would our future hold? Children? White picket fences? Utter and total confusion? Complete chaos? Undiluted passion? Understanding of one another in a way that is completely misunderstood by anyone who isn't us? Just true fucking love?  
  
"...Destroyed this beaten up old...tank slash train type thing and out come our friends, and Squall's face just lit up..."  
  
I don't know. I have no idea. And, you know, it's only now that I'm beginning to realize that having no idea is okay. It is okay to be spontaneous. It is okay to be surprising. It IS okay just to say 'I don't know.' And it's okay to be wrong. I don't have to do everything. Because then I might forget that I shouldn't.  
  
I only have to do nothing, and then every effort is worthwhile.  
  
I looked at Dreylen across the table from me, who had been watching me. I had been watching Rinoa the entire time. I think she knew I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying, I was just watching her as her mouth moved. And, you know, I don't think Dreylen was paying any attention either. She was watching me watch Rinoa, a content smile on her face.  
  
'You really love her, don't you.' Is what Dreylen would say to me afterwards.  
  
'Yes.' I replied, 'I do.' 


	15. Hi, Dad

(Rinoa POV)  
  
Love.  
  
What do you think of when you think of love? For me, it has always been safety. And I know that sounds a little strange. But I always pictured love as, well, not being afraid of anything because of someone or something you loved was near. It was your protector. It could save you from everything you were afraid of, and it was a refuge for you when you wanted to be away from everything, even yourself. Especially yourself.  
  
I don't know if I can do this.  
  
I stood outside the door to General Darius Caraway's house. Outside the door to...my father's house.  
  
They were two different people now. General Darius Caraway was some man whose blood I happened to share. Who happened to have contributed one-half of the necessary chromosomes required to make me. My father...my father was a kind, caring man. He loved me. He gave me freedom, but not too much. He gave me discipline, but not too much. But most of all, he gave me love, and way too much of it.  
  
Why was I here?  
  
To do the most difficult thing I may ever have to do in my entire life. Yes, that is coming from someone who stood down Ultimecia on her doorstep. I was here to ask General Darius Caraway, not my father, for the permission to marry the love of my life, SeeD Commander Squall Leonheart. And...Hyne...WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!  
  
I couldn't do this. I didn't have the courage. I didn't have the strength.  
  
"Rin. Are you going to knock?"  
  
But he did. And that made all the difference in the world. He stood behind me, blocking my path of exit, but also showing me the way I needed to go. If I wanted to run away, he would let me, he would never question me on it, he would understand why, but Squall didn't just speak with his words, he spoke with his body. Right now, it was telling me that everything was going to be okay.  
  
So I knocked. Lightly, tentatively, twice at the door.  
  
My heart was knocking against my chest so much louder.  
  
"Caraway resi...Rinoa?"  
  
That was the voice of Caraway's butler. He had helped me every time I tried to run away, including the time it finally worked. Kind, caring, understanding. He was a father figure to me when Caraway wasn't. He taught me right from wrong when nobody was explaining the concepts to me. And even though he thought that running away from home was wrong, he helped me do it, because keeping me under house arrest, he thought, was worse.  
  
"Hey, Rem."  
  
Remald, I called him Rem for short, looked down at me and smiled.  
  
"Back so soon?" He asked dryly, and I smiled and laughed through tears I didn't even realize were beginning to form. Hyne. So many memories here. Everything in me telling me to turn around and run.  
  
"Hi." Squall said. "I'm Squall Leonheart." He extended his hand to Remald, who took it, smiling back at my fiancée.  
  
But he was still here, behind me. And that. That made all the difference.  
  
Remald's left eyebrow rose up at me and I was afraid he was going to ask the same question everyone else did whenever he introduced himself. ("THE Squall Leonheart?") But Remald, as usual, was far more tactful and intelligent than I ever was. He held his tongue, smiling in a brotherly fashion, before shaking his head and ushering me in.  
  
I felt Squall's hand at the small of my back after a few moments and I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors of Caraway's house, Julia's house, my house, my father's house.  
  
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here." I muttered to myself.  
  
"Dramatic much?" Squall asked, smiling that very slight smile that came on to his face the few times he ever made a joke.  
  
"So, Rinoa," Remald began as we both walked through the entryway; you could call it a lobby really, it was that big. Sometimes I was surprised that there wasn't a receptionist there, "How have you been?"  
  
I knew that Rem was trying to calm my obviously unsteady nerves with pleasant conversation but I was far beyond that point. I was looking around, remembering everything new again. From the vase that lay in the living room, that I knew had to be faced the way it was because otherwise the crack would show. The crack that I made when I was four years old and running down the stairs because my dad was chasing me, pretending to be the boogie man.  
  
"She's been fine." Squall supplied for me, placing both of his hands on my shoulders, in a vain effort to snap me back into reality.  
  
The picture I painted in third grade of my mother still framed and hung up in the main hallway. My mother hugged me so tightly when she saw it. It was in its fourth frame, Caraway had broken the frame on three other occasions, when the pain of seeing such a stunning representation of his wife became too much for him to bear. But he never broke the picture.  
  
Squall and Remald were conversing. Somewhere in the back of my subconscious, I knew this. But I didn't really realize it. I was floating through the house. I was a ghost, a wraith, not a person who existed here. I was invisible. I was translucent. I felt like the living dead, come back to haunt this house forever and ever throughout eternity, and cry whenever I saw all the memories.  
  
There. There's still a dent in the floorboards from when I was swinging from the chandelier when neither of my parents were home and I couldn't figure out how to get down so I let go and flew across half the room and landed with a decisive THUD so hard that I put a dent in the floor and broke my wrist, which I awkwardly tried to break my fall on.  
  
My father, when he saw the scene those many years ago, chuckled to himself as he had his arm around my mother and he said to me in his best fake- scolding voice, "Riiiiiinny, you gots some 'splainin' to do!" Caraway, when he still saw the dent not so many years ago would use it as more fodder that he could yell at me for.  
  
And then, I was face to face with him.  
  
"Rinoa." He said. Stiff and formal.  
  
I couldn't speak for a few moments. Couldn't even make a noise. I just sat there, mouth half open, staring at General Darius Caraway. The man formerly known as my father. The target of my ghostly hauntings. Tears welled in my eyes.  
  
"Ca-ca-ca-" I managed to get out in a half-cough, half-sob.  
  
Caraway's eyes, usually set in stone, wrinkled in confusion, in worry. In one of the first signs of emotion, I had seen out of him in many, many years. They became my dad's eyes again. It was almost too much. The tears that were before only beginning to form were now trickling down my face. I saw him. My father.  
  
"Do you remember that time?" My voice was weak and wavered, I don't even know what I was saying, and the words were just coming out of my mouth in a stream. "That time when I slid down the steps on purpose and they made a horrible bumping noise and you ran down the steps screaming 'Rinoa! Rinoa!' and you ran so fast you slipped and fell down them and had to go to the emergency room? Or that picture I painted of you and mom dancing on a cloud? Do you remember the first time I played one of my own songs for you and mom and when we were done, mom was crying and you had tears in your eyes, too, and I was too young to understand so I started crying and ran to my room and never played that song again?"  
  
I looked at my father. His normally stoic expression that had softened into one that I only remembered in my dreams. His cold and formal stance had softened into one of paternal worry. I looked at him, tears dripping from my eyes.  
  
"Do I remember, Rinoa?" He asked softly, his own eyes downcast on the ground. "I do, and will ALWAYS remember every moment of our life together."  
  
His eyes looked up at me, looking with mine and the revelation that he, too, was getting misty was enough to make my own tears start to flow stronger.  
  
"There is a drawer up in my room that carries every piece of artwork you ever made at school. It is all dated and organized by year. I have every piano concert you ever had for your music teacher on video tape; it's in the very same drawer. I remember when you were trying to demonstrate that you could toss peas in the air and catch them in your mouth and you tipped so far back to catch one that you tipped your chair over."  
  
I giggled slightly, remembering, too, but it was choked off by the tears. I looked at the man before me, no longer General Darius Caraway. Again, he was my father. I held out my arms to him, and he took me in. For the longest time, Hyne, it felt like days, I stood there.  
  
"Hyne, Rinoa. I remember it all." He whispered to me.  
  
"Hi, Dad." I smiled.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Caraway POV)  
  
I love my daughter.  
  
That may be hard to believe, it may not. I don't really care. But let it stand that that statement is fact. I love my daughter. I always have, I always will, I do. There will never be a moment in my life that I do not love my daughter completely and totally.  
  
We had a falling out, yes. She ran away from home, yes. But I knew that she loved me, too. I just...  
  
Hyne, I didn't understand how to parent someone alone. I realize that I am just making excuses when I say that, because I knew better than to do what I did. I knew better than to alienate her and drive her away in the manner that I did. I knew better than that.  
  
But I didn't know how to parent to her. I knew how to discipline her. I knew how to scold her. But it was Julia who was trying to teach me how to parent her, how to nurture her and how to play with her. Being a General, too, being a leader of a powerful army, that doesn't exactly help, trying to separate the battlefield from your life.  
  
Again, I am making excuses. I apologize.  
  
But, what I have realized in between the time that she ran away from my house to help her friend and the time that she has come to me today is that she has grown up into a woman, into a beautiful, strong, powerful woman. My daughter, everything that I could ever hope to be proud of.  
  
She asked me today, if she could get married.  
  
My first reaction was to stamp my foot, pound my fist, and bellow from the depths of my gut, 'Rinoa, what are you thinking, you're 18 years old, you're just a little girl! Of course you may not get married!' But I stopped myself. I stopped myself very suddenly, and I tried to think of what Julia would think of the situation. She was always much smarter than I when it came to these things.  
  
I looked at him. A man whose eyes betrayed only one thing.  
  
That he absolutely loved my daughter.  
  
Not even I was thick enough to not see that  
  
I knew this young man, Squall Leonheart. A man who had gotten so much publicity, globally, that one would expect arrogance, boasting and a rolling gait with a glint of condescension in his eye. There was none of that, though. There was the look of a man who understood what he did, and understood even better why he did it. He had no delusions of grandeur.  
  
But I knew him through his father, who I knew through Julia. "Eyes On Me," no matter how much I'd like to deny it, was written about Squall Leonheart's father. I saw none of Laguna's foolish, but I saw all of his love for a Heartilly.  
  
But I decided not to look through my eyes when I answered. Instead, I looked through Julia's.  
  
Hyne, what else could I say but, 'Yes?' 


	16. Save The World

Author's Note: Oh snap. Now we're getting into the non-fluffy part. Duck and cover, people!  
  
------------------------  
  
(Quistis POV)  
  
Garden is crumbling.  
  
Metaphorically speaking, of course. But, if we don't do something about it, it might start literally crumbling as well. Funds are down, requests are down, costs are rising dramatically. There's just very little use for mercenary types when the world is largely at peace. I hate to say it, but I'm almost thankful for the Galbadian renegades. They're the only reason we still are able to pay all of our bills on time, they're the only reason we are even considering remaining in existance. Timber has hired us as an perimeter force to keep the Galbadians away from town. And so far, if I do say so myself we've been doing a damn good job of it.  
  
Listen to me. I've been in the position of Assistant Commander only a couple weeks and already I'm starting to sound like Cid.  
  
I wish Zell and Selphie and Irvine were here. They always balanced me out. They kept me from getting too involved with work. At least I didn't have to deal with the paperwork though. Xu and I had come to an agreement where she would manage the paperwork and I would manage the hands on aspect of running Garden. But Irvine, Zell and Selphie, they're off on the front lines of this guerilla war. All I hear back from them are battle reports. Most of them are good, but some of them aren't pretty. A couple of cadets, kids who shouldn't even be out in the field, have been injured. Thank Hyne for GFs, or they'd be dead.  
  
I wish Squall was here. Squall would have been able to figure out exactly what to do. Not only what to do to most efficiently handle the battle situations with the renegade Galbadians, but how to make it so we would make the most profit, with the least amount of cost and the least amount of loss in terms of equipment, personnel and lives. Squall could have kept Garden afloat in this situation with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded.  
  
I wish Matron was here. Cid seems so distracted when she's not. He's always worried about her and thinking about her. Not to say he shouldn't, or he should be concentrating on his own paperwork more. It's just, Cid has been a father to me. I think of him as such. It's hard to see your father that way. And I wish I could see Matron for myself. Because, as Cid has been a father Matron has been a mother. I would be more stable, I would be better at what I do, I would feel better, being able to see her.  
  
I visited the orphanage a week or so ago, just to see her. She's started it back up again. The kids are so gorgeous. They're all friends, laughing and hanging out together. When the went to the beach, Matron hugged me, because she knew before I did that I was going to start crying. They just reminded me so much of us, when we were little. There was even a little blonde girl who was completely infatuated with this little brown-haired boy. I wanted to hold them, to hug them, to touch them, to see that they were real. I wanted to remember that life I once had.  
  
They're beautiful little kids.  
  
By trying to save Garden, I'm trying to save them, in a way. Because if they grow up and they are still there, I want them to come here. Not necessarily as students. Not necssarily as even part of the Garden, I just want them to come here. To be in a place that I consider safe. To be in a place where they would be able to grow up on their own terms. I believe that Garden is more than just a military installation. Or, at least, I believe it can be more. I believe it can be a place to nurture young minds and help them grow. I believe that it can be a place where youth, especially those without parents, can come to belong.  
  
I proposed the idea to Cid the other day. About adjusting Garden from a purely military installation to a true academy. And not just a place for education, but a place for nurturing and improving the minds of young people like the ones I saw at Edea's orphanage. The kind of kids that could so easily become disenfranchised by a world that they could percieve as largely caring less. A place to plant SeeDs and watch them grow in our Garden.  
  
Hyne, what I'd give to see that come to fruition.  
  
The only people I've talked with in the past four days have been Xu and Cid. Not to say that's a bad thing. Xu and Cid are great people. Xu is intelligent with a sharp wit and Cid is as warm and caring and humorous as ever. But I miss Selphie, Irvine and Zell. They were sent off to outside Timber five days ago. I haven't been able to be in touch with them because they have to maintain radio silence until their mission is completed. The Galbadian renegades have top notch equipment, one transmission and they'll have given away their position and then I might never hear from them again.  
  
But they're SeeDs that were planted in this Garden. They're better than that. If I know anything about those three, I know that I'll hear 'mission complete' within the next three days. We fought Ultimecia, for Hyne's sake, it almost felt like overkill to send us against a group of Galbadian renegades. If Squall and Rinoa were still here, I would have felt 100 confident that we could have gone in alone and taken the entire regiment out without all the espionage and tactics. But brute force like that doesn't make money. Espionage and tactics do. We use more people to do less work, we charge more money for less results. But, then again, those results are also less incriminating, and don't as obviously point to SeeD, or to Timber for that matter, as the source.  
  
Zell, Selphie and Irvine are on a major assignment. An assignment that, as I put it when briefing Cid and Xu on the mission I referred to as, 'The Mission.'  
  
"This mission is 'The Mission.'" I had said.  
  
"It's a mission to kill the de facto leader of this Galbadian resistance faction. His name is Feremont Peericon. He was a former three-star General in the Galbadian military. He specialized in the training of troops. In fact, he was so good at this that any regiment he trained were part of their own division called the 'Crosscut Division.' Mostly because, in close combat, Peericon - and the troops he trained - became known for leaving X's across their opponent's chests."  
  
"Peericon was a Galbadian nationalist. He was Vinzer Deling's favorite General, in fact, over Darius Caraway. Caraway was more practical, his personality less malleable. Deling could mold Peericon to his will, and did so. Peericon even tried to stage a coup against Ultimecia while our squad was in D-District Prison."  
  
"Peericon is a primary target for a number of reasons. First of all, he's a figurehead. Before their break from the Galbadian military, Peericon was the highest in rank. That hierarchy has, essentially, transferred over to the renegades. Thus, Peericon is thier leader. It's not official, but it might as well be."  
  
"Second of all, he has the most military intelligence of any member of the renegades, by and far. No other member ever achieved a rank past Lieutenant. Without him, their military tactics will fall apart, we'll be able to pull a lot of our kids out and have higher average experience out there."  
  
"Third of all, he's the glue that holds a lot of the renegades together. He's an outstanding public speaker, and he's the reason why so many of their low-level troops have broken away from the military and decided to join the renegades. If we take him out, doubts will spring in the heads of a lot of their troops, their numbers will dwindle and, again, we'll need less troops to do this. Our kids can get out of there."  
  
It wasn't a lie. But, then again, it wasn't the whole truth. I neglected to tell Xu and Cid about the incredibly tight security around Peericon. I neglected to tell them about how it would be nearly impossible to make this mission seem like an inside job, or an accident. I neglected to tell them a lot of details.  
  
Details aren't important. They're just expensive.  
  
I wish anyone was here that I cared about. It would make me feel like less of a bitch. It would make me feel less bad about thinking about Zell, Selphie and Irvine as dollar signs. But, Hyne, it's so hard to do so when your home seems to be coming down around your head.  
  
I wish someone would just tell me what to do.  
  
------------------------  
  
(Zell POV)  
  
Guerilla warfare was never my style.  
  
Hiding, sneaking, disguises and espionage were never my fortes. On the SeeD exam, I scored pretty low in all of those categories. What I scored high in were the polar opposites. Confrontation, one-on-one direct combat, open area battle. Crowding behind corners, trying to be stealthy, those things were never part of my martial arts training. I was more a straight-ahead, go hard or go home type of guy.  
  
I'm getting impatient.  
  
"What the hell, guys." I whispered to Selphie and Irvine. "Am I going to be able to move in the next seven hours?"  
  
Irvine didn't even pull away from his scope. "No."  
  
"I hate you." I shot back.  
  
Selphie giggled.  
  
Irvine hesitated a moment, then sighed as he began talking, still gazing through his scope.  
  
"Right now, what I'm trying to do is get a feel for their guards routines. It's all very standard issue Galbadian stuff. Don't leave any watch area uncovered for more than a minute. Don't turn your back on your area. Check with the rest of the security at each move, with codewords I'm assuming."  
  
"So what are we supposed to do?" I asked Irvine.  
  
"Honestly? I have no idea. We need to find out their lingo, but we can't get close enough to hear them. We could plant a bug, but we don't have any that would cover the whole guard area, just one spot."  
  
"Irvy?" Selphie piped up. "The guards move in pairs, right?"  
  
"Right." Irvine said, half-exasperated. "Selphie, we've been over this before. Pairs of two, one guy controls the radio, the other guy is a pistol sharpshooter. He uses short-range weapons at long range."  
  
"I know that." Selphie snapped back. "Why don't we just disguise ourselves as the sharpshooters? That way we don't have to deal with the radio."  
  
Irvine opened his mouth, as if to speak, and then shut it again. I chuckled.  
  
"Man, she's got a point."  
  
Irvine smiled.  
  
"Yeah, she does."  
  
Irvine and Selphie began discussing more of what was becoming their plan, but I just ended up tuning it out. Strategy wasn't my style. Espionage wasn't my style. But I'd do it. For Selphie and Irvine. For Quistis, Cid, and Xu. For Squall and Rinoa.  
  
I missed those two so much already. I really did. But it made me feel better when I realized what we were doing was preventing them from ever having to worry about it. It made me feel better when I realized that I was protecting their lives. I was protecting Squall's hands from becoming stained any more. I was protecting their children from harm. I was protecting their house from attack. I was protecting them.  
  
Think about that. It's incredibly powerful. It's more powerful than Feremont Peericon. It's more powerful than any amount of Galbadian renegades. It's powerful enough to keep me, to keep Selphie, to keep Irvine, Hyne, to keep Quistis going. It's enough to make us want to do this.  
  
We're doing it for him and for her.  
  
Garden's spirit longs to protect him and her.  
  
Garden's cadets protect him and her without even knowning it. Hell, maybe they do know it. But it's a damn worthy cause. It's a DAMN worthy cause. Why? Because one day he might get called on again. One day Squall might have to come back. There might be a day coming where THE Squall Leonheart is asked, once again, to save the world.  
  
But myself, Selphie, Irvine, and every single person in Balamb Garden...  
  
Well, we're keeping that day as far off as possible.  
  
It's our turn to save the world. 


	17. From Shooting Star To Shooting Star

(Squall POV)

Planning for a wedding is as, if not more, difficult than planning a military operation. There are just as many elements, just as many things that can go wrong, just as much risk to life and limb. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating. It certainly seems that way, however. From making sure every color matches, from the bridesmaid's dresses to the flowers at the reception, from the lights to the cake, every factor and element had to be considered.

It was ridiculous.

If it were up to me, I think, I'd perform the wedding in candlelight, so no one would care who was wearing what, or what color the flowers were.

Of course, if I were to bring that up to Rinoa, she would accuse me of being unromantic, not understanding the significance of having a nice wedding, etcetera and so forth. She would say something along the lines of 'Squall, I realize that this takes time, and you'd just like to get it over with, but it's important to me. I would like to have a nice wedding.' I understand that. It's completely understandable. But, the thing is, I think a wedding would be just as romantic my way. The difference in my version would only be that all that would matter would be the two people at the altar.

Isn't that romantic?

"Who all do we want to invite, Squall?" Rinoa had decided that eleven at night was the perfect time of day to make the guest list.

"Your dad and my dad." I deadpanned, but allowed a small grin to creep it's way into my expression.

"Hyne, men. Why do I even bother with you?" She smiled back at me.

I shrugged, but said I would think about it.

"You go and take care of whatever else you need to tonight. By tomorrow, I'll have a list ready for you."

She looked skeptical.

"I'd ask you if you were sure you could get it done that quickly, but questioning a military man if he can make a deadline is kind of dumb, huh?"

"Yep." Again, I let a small grin into my facial features.

She rolled her eyes, still smiling.

It was truly amazing, what she had done for me. She had changed me. Both inside and out. On the exterior, she had salvaged me from that emotionless poker face. _That_ guy cared for nobody - or, at least, would never admit it if he did. He turned his back on Quistis when she was reaching out to him. He shut out Rinoa when she was just trying to help him. He was trapped in Time Compression, hopelessly lost, feeling abandoned. On the interior, she had changed, too. She calmed the raging river of emotions inside me. _That_ guy had no idea what to say. He never tried to comfort Zell when he was concerned about Galbadian retaliations. He never told Cid off when Cid made him Commander. He was trapped in Time Compression, hopelessly lost, feeling abandoned.

But then she came.

Why had it taken so long, that's what _that_ guy would have asked. And, I'll admit it, it's what I might have been asking if I was coherent enough to think when she did arrive. How hard was it to lay down that fear of being abandoned? How hard was it to come back to her when Ultimecia had tried to tear her from my thoughts? When I couldn't even see her face anymore, in that very first memory of her that I held so dear. I keep it preserved now, close to my heart. It's become my personal mission to make sure no one touches it. But when her face began to blur around the edges...when, was that dress cream colored or light blue? Was it a pale green, maybe? Was she wearing a necklace? That golden streak in her hair, it was on the left side, wasn't it?

And then...

So alone.

That place was so alone.

I tried calling out her name, but couldn't get anything more than an r sound out before I was wondering what the rest was.

It was as if every doubt I ever had, every fear in my life had suddenly become validated. _This_ was why I never got close to people. _This_ was why I liked being alone, so when I was alone it wouldn't seem so bad. _This_ was why I vowed to watch after myself, to protect myself, to never let anyone else affect me the way Ellone had. _This_ was every reason I ever had for pushing people away being justified. So when I collapsed, maybe I was wondering why she wasn't here.

Maybe I was _that _guy again, if only for a moment.

But I'm sick of giving him moments.

There is a new me. Maybe he isn't that much different on the outside. But he's different so much within his heart that it is remarkable.

It is remarkable.

By the end of the night, I had finished the list of the people I wished to invite to the wedding. I don't exactly know why I felt compelled to put the reasons I wanted them there next to their names. But it just felt right. Because I couldn't consider just their names. What are their names? They're just two strings of random letters that we use to identify each other. They were more than their names, and they deserved to be treated as such. So, when I wrote the list, I wrote why I would want them there next to their names. It was in honor of them, the things they did, the people they were, not the names the possessed.

------------------------

(Rinoa POV)

Planning for a wedding is as, if not more, difficult than waging guerilla terrorist warfare on a facist regime with three people. There are so many things to consider. There are just as many things that can go wrong. There are just as many choices to be made. There are just as many problems that you can encounter. While there isn't the risk of losing your life, or even getting injured, there is the risk of me tripping on my wedding dress, my father stepping on my wedding dress. Squall forgetting his vows (I doubt it). Me forgetting my vows.

I haven't even had the opportunity to step back from it all and marvel at the sheer fact of what is going on. I, Rinoa Heartilly, at the age of seventeen, am going to be getting married. Married! Some might be frightened at that prospect. Others nervous, still others absolutely neurotic. And, I am all of those things. A little bit. But not a lot. Not of the things that most seventeen year-olds would be scared of. They would be scared of entrapment, scared of this person being the only person they can have for the rest of their life, scared of missing out on some indefinable experience. Scared of commitment. Scared, frightened, terrified if they were actually in love.

I don't have to worry about any of that. And I count myself so lucky for it.

Squall Leonheart is the love of my life.

Do you have any idea how liberating it is to say that and know that it is true? It's a tingling sensation that works its way from my feet up my spine, then back down my front until it nestles into my stomach, warming it up and allowing happiness to spill out my eyes, my ears, my mouth, my nose. It's like ten gallons of life in a five gallon container. It's my mother playing the piano for me, it's Zone and Watts trying to sing together to "My Girl" and getting the harmonies all wrong. It's Zell, enthusiastic and funny. It's Cid, telling me he'll help us out.

It was seeing Squall for the very first time in my life.

It was seeing Squall for the second time in my life.

It was hearing Squall say, 'Stay close to me.'

It was knowing Squall was watching me breathe while I was unconscious.

It was Squall carrying me on his back to Esthar.

It was Squall. Period.

Everything about him, from his unruly brown hair to his startling blue eyes. From the pendant he wore like a medal of honor across his chest to the belts he wore across his waist. From his coldest and most callous moments to his most warm and friendly. From our first dance to our last. From our first kiss to our last. From the train to the spaceship. From grudging teammates to lovestruck teenagers. From Timber to Galbadia to Deling to Balamb to Fisherman's Horizon to Trabia to Centra to Esthar to outer space to Lunatic Pandora to Time Compression. From shooting star to shooting star.

He tells me, not directly, but he tells me all the same of how I saved him. He tells me in that subtle Squall way that never comes out and says anything. But hints and edges, confuses and sometimes just boggles. He thanks me all the time, in this manner, telling me how glad he is that I saved him. It is amazing to me, I think, that he doesn't realize that he not only was the one to save himself, but he also saved me. If it were up to me, if it were my choice, I would have died right there with him in that cold void. But _he_ opened _his_ eyes and made the world around him bright.

He's really the one who saved me.

I asked him to write a list of people who he wanted invited to the wedding. I honestly don't think he put anyone on that list that I wouldn't have automatically invited myself. But I wanted to hear it from Squall. I wanted to make sure the others knew that he wanted them there as much as they wanted to be here. Even if there are only a dozen names on his list (And that would be stretching it I think, in Squall's case) I would be happy, ecstatic even. Because he would have made those people the happiest people in the world. It was a talent Squall had, the ability to make someone feel like the most amazing person in the world, just because he took the time out to notice you.

Squall, around six thirty in the evening, went out for some reason or another. To buy a gunblade part or something, I suspected. He told me that he had finished his list while he was on his way out. And when I read it, I couldn't help but cry. Not because of the names that were on it, or because of the names that weren't. It had little - actually nothing - to do with the names at all. It was the way he had explained each of his choices. How each person on the list had their own story. He honored each person, not by their names, but by their persons.

_Zell Dincht. Because he is my best friend. Energetic, funny, happy. He puts others in a good mood just by being himself. Because I always smile when I see him around hot dogs. Because there is no other person who I have even considered to be my best man besides him. Because when I see him he makes me laugh even when I don't want to. Because he never complained when I didn't put him in leadership positions. Because he never was pushed away, despite my best efforts to push him away. Because he is my best friend._

_Quistis Trepe. Because she has taught me more than she will ever know. Because she protected me from becoming too insular, when everybody else was willing to let me retreat further into myself. Because she has always been there for me. From the orphanage, through my SeeD training, she has been with me every step of the way and I couldn't have possibly made it without her. Because she put so many things into perspective for me. Because she was a sister to me, even when 'Sis' left. Because she has taught me more than she will ever know._

_Ellone Loire. Because she has meant so much to me. In a life before I remember, she was everything to me. She played with me, talked with me, walked with me, was everything I needed at that period of my life. I want her here because I am beginning to remember that time, and even though I don't, I remember how much she meant, and I can only think of one other person who has ever meant as much. Because she helped me save Rinoa's life. Because she helped me save my own life. Because she has meant so much to me._

_Irvine Kinneas. Because, underneath all of his bravado, he is one of the most caring people I've ever met. Because of every conversation we had aboard the Raganarok that took my mind off of serious things and let me be eighteen years old talking with a friend. Because of his sense of humor. Because of his cowboy hat. Because he'll make fun of me, and I need someone to do that every once in awhile. Because he could come out of a nuclear explosion and look at everyone, shrug his shoulders and say, 'Oops.' Because, underneath all of his bravado, he is one of the most caring people I've ever met._

_Selphie Tilmitt. Because she makes me smile. Because every time I see her, she'll ask me to join the Garden committee. Because of her winks and nods and her thousand and one other gestures that mean absolutely nothing to anyone but her. Because she's the only one who can touch Irvine's hat besides Irvine himself. Because, no matter what, she always is optimistic. Because she was happy when we got to Trabia. Because she was sad when we got to Trabia. Because of how brave she is, even when she doesn't mean to me. Because she makes me smile._

_Seifer Almasy. Because I consider him a brother. Because for every injury he's inflicted on my body, he's inflicted on his own soul. Because he's sorry. Because he deserves forgiveness, even though he doesn't want it. Because he wants forgiveness, at least from myself and Rinoa. Because every time I look him in the eye, I see the same scared little boy that we both used to be. I see the loneliness that infested both of us back then. I see how much he wants it to go away. Because I know we can make it go away. Because I consider him a brother._

_Laguna Loire. Because he deserves every chance to be my father. Because I see myself in him, even when I am trying not to, even when I don't want to at all. Because we both scratch the back of our heads when we're thinking too much. Because of how brave he had to be to admit the fact that he was my father to me. Because he helped us understand what to do when we were lost in Time Compression. Because of how scared he must have been that day. Because he has managed to save the world, twice, run a country and still want to be my father. Because he deserves every chance to be my father._

_Cid Laif. Because he is my father. Because of how well he raised me. Because of how well he raised all of us. Because he put us on the Timber Mission, and allowed me to meet Rinoa. Because he made me a SeeD, when it was all I wanted to do. Because he made me Commander, when it was the last thing I wanted to do. Because he trusted me. Because he doubted me. Because he knew what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it. Because he is my father._

_Edea Laif. Because she is my mother. Because of every time she interrupted our late-night conversations when we were children, and told us we needed to go to bed. Because of her bedtime stories. Because of how she gave us freedom, but not too much. Because of how she gave us discipline, but not too much. Because of the orphanage, and all the memories I am slowly regaining. Because of the fireworks. Because she alone understands how hard it is being a sorceress. Because she is my mother._

_(I include this name for no real reason. I know they will be at the wedding. They have to be. I only include it because of the sheer amount I want to say to this person, but find myself unable. _

_Sometimes the words that escape my mouth are not nearly as effective as the words that escape my pen.)_

_Rinoa Heartilly. Because she is my savior. Because of her raven hair with that single golden streak. Because she is the love of my life. Because she reciprocates that love. Because she challenged me. Because she stood up to me. Because she didn't listen to me. Because she listened to me. Because she came back for me. Twice. (D-District Prison and Time Compression.) Because I actually have kept count. Because of her eyes. Because of drifting in space. Because I was, because I am willing to die with her. Because of the Ragnarok. Because of the moments when she was unconscious, and all I could think of was how everything that was happening to us didn't matter because she wasn't there. Because my life is empty without her in it. Because of her angel wings. Because of her dog. Because of her smile. Because of how absolutely incorrigible she can be. Because she never puts up with me. Because she always puts up with me. Because of shooting stars._

_Because she is my savior._

I had fallen asleep before Squall got home.

When I woke up, I saw a small, black velvet rectangular box on my nightstand. A small card lay on top that read, 'For my savior.'

It was the most beautiful necklace I had ever seen.

I rolled over in the bed and put my arm around Squall, who was still sleeping.

It was everything about him that made me so unafraid of what we were facing. What we were doing. From his hair to his eyes. From his pendant to his belts. From his cold moments to his warm. From our first dance and kiss to our last. From the beginning of our journey to its end.

From shooting star to shooting star.


	18. Invitations

(Quistis POV)

"Define... disappeared."

I clenched and unclenched my fists slowly, trying to listen to Irvine, Zell and Selphie explain what had exactly happened in the forests outside of Timber through the rage that was buzzing like static through my head. Disappeared? Feremont Peericon? I'd call it a failure, but it was just so _baffling_.

"Look," Irvine said, and I could tell that he was just as cross as I was, "We gave you the full report. The night before we were to begin our attempts to infiltrate Peericon's guard, we took a position closer to the guard. The next morning, everything was gone. I already said this, but there is _no reason_ to suggest we were found out."

"No reason?!" I harnessed in the scream I wanted unleash into a tightly wound shout, "Irvine _why_ would they have left unless you had been found out."

"If they had found us out, why didn't they kill us?" He responded evenly, crossing his arms in front of him defiantly, "Or at least some sort of taunting note. This is was a hasty retreat; tents, basic equipment, food, etcetera are strewn all over the place. But all the people are gone. This isn't running to taunt your opponent, this is running with your tail between your legs."

I sighed in frustration, mostly because he was right. If they had found the three out and left them alive, they would have at least left _some_ indication of superiority. A note, a minor injury. _Something_. But the fact that there was nothing was almost more damming than if there had been something. My first instinct of what to do was wrong, I knew, but I wanted to call Squall and ask him what he thought. He would probably, I knew even better, simply sit on the other end in silence for about five or six seconds before replying merely with, "Whatever," and hanging up the phone. I still seriously considered the call in spite of - or maybe because of - that.

"You're right, Irvine," I finally conceded.

"Do you want us to attempt pursuit?" Irvine asked immediately. Even though we had just been fighting, there he was - there every SeeD was, for that matter - willing to continue to put themselves in danger if we deemed it necessary. It was touching as much as it was sickening.

"No. Mission failed. Return home via train from Timber."

"Mission failed," Zell spoke up incredulously, "No way, Quistis, C'mon! It won't take that long to pick up their trail again, we figure out where they ran to and then-"

I interrupted him vehemently, "Then _what_, Zell? You attempt infiltration and they run again? Look, it's very noble that you want to continue with the mission, but until we figure out what exactly happened here, I can't risk such accomplished SeeDs on what appears to be a wild cactuar chase, alright?"

Zell hung his head, and I immediately regretted yelling at him. Zell, while being an amazing fighter, wasn't one to take criticism well. He muttered something like "Okay, gotcha," before slinking away from the video communicator. Selphie looked like she wanted to say something to comfort him, holding out her hand towards him, but then letting it drop as she ignored it, and she instead opted just to give me a withering glance.

Hyne, I'm turning into Squall.

"Hyne, you're turning into Squall," Irvine half-accused, half-joked.

"Don't joke like that," I warned tiredly, "That's exactly how I feel right now. Zell, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be mean."

Zell immediately brightened up a bit, waving off my apology in a way of acceptance, but remained silent.

"Look, guys, return home. If not for me asking, then for these," I said, holding up a trio of white envelopes with elaborately stenciled borders.

"What are those?" Selphie, bouncing in place with excitement and anticipation, asked.

"Wedding invitations," And before I could even finish the second word, Selphie had exploded jumping up and down around the two boys singing, "Wedding wedding wedding hey! Wedding wedding hey hey hey!" as madly as she possibly could.

I laughed, not even bothering to leave with a proper sign off, just waving at Irvine who let a grin snake into his features as he waved back and turned off the communicator.

I threw their invitations down on my desk, letting them continue their momentum and slide next to mine. I sat down in my chair tiredly, massaging my left temple with one hand and rotating my own invitation in the other. I hadn't opened mine up yet, Cid had and that's how I knew what they contained, and I couldn't place exactly why I had left mine unopened.

I had placed my feelings for Squall behind me before, I had tried to do it forcibly when he proposed, I tried to will myself to do it with the kiss. But something about the wedding invitations seemed so final and so closing - Ha, in a way the proposal didn't? - that it almost scared me to open it. It changed who Squall was, this invitation. It changed him from what I - and most of Garden's female population - knew him has, a singularly attractive, intelligent and enigmatic individual who, if he gave someone the slightest bit of attention, could make them feel like the absolute center of the universe. It could be as simple as not giving a girl a glare when she said his name in the hallways of Garden. Yes, for Squall, even not being cruel to someone could cause a group of cadets to go absolutely all a-twitter with gossip. These invitations changed Squall from that, into a husband. A caring, loving _husband_. A different Squall. We at Garden had depended on that old Squall for so long.

What were we to do now?

------------------------

(Selphie POV)

"Wedding wedding wedding hey! Wedding wedding hey hey hey!" I danced around Irvine and Zell as we trudged through the forests towards Timber. They both looked tired and dirty, listlessly picking up their feet with each step. I just kept on singing and dancing, occasionally throwing in a cartwheel or very sloppy back handspring as I did so.

Finally, I stopped, hands on my hips in front of them. Both of them - especially Irvine - looked at me with near complete exhaustion.

"What." I demanded, not even bothering to phrase it as a question.

"Selphie," Irvine replied in exasperation, "We just failed a mission."

"Not our fault," I replied quickly, unconcerned, "We failed the mission to assassinate Edea-"

"Yes," Irvine interrupted me, "I failed that mission, too, thank you."

"Oh shush," I said, engaging in a futile attempt to knock off his cowboy hat, but he maneuvered out of the way, still with a sour look on his face "_You_ didn't fail them, _we_ did. And besides, like I was _trying_ to say, that last one worked out pretty well. We didn't have to kill Matron, we defeated Ultimecia and saved the world, Squall fell in love with Rinoa and now they're having aaaaaaa..."

"Oh no," Irvine managed to get out."

"Wedding wedding wedding hey! Wedding wedding hey hey hey!" I sang, skipping wildly about the two. Zell, silent during the whole exchange, burst out laughing, which caused Irvine to break out into a smile and, after a few moments, laughing as well.

"Selphie's right, as much as it pains me to say so," Zell teased, and I stuck out my tongue at him in reply, "We can spend all this time moping, or we can look forward to the wedding. And, more to the point, the reception."

Irvine laughed in agreement, "Heck yeah, man," he said, giving Zell a high-five, and then turning to me, holding his arm up as high as he could, "High-five, Seffy?" He asked tauntingly.

I again put my hands on my hips, twisting my face into a slightly peeved expression. Zell gave me a look, holding out his cupped hands and making a subtle gesture in Irvine's direction that Irvine didn't see.

"Fine. But you have to give me a piggy back ride all the way back to Timber if I can get it," I warned.

"I'll take that bet," Irvine said smugly, attempting to hold his hand even higher.

I took a running start at him then, with a move that put a severely confused look onto Irvine's face, I jumped towards Zell, putting my primary foot down into his hands, which he used to boost me even higher. I even had time to smile and wink at Irvine before slapping his hand.

Feeling pretty good about myself, I managed to forget that I was still in the air, and my landing attempt was botched, as I couldn't get my legs under myself in time and I feel backwards onto my butt after a quick stumble. Zell laughed riotously about the whole situation, and Irvine looked like he wanted to laugh, but one angry glance from me zipped his mouth shut.

"You," I said, pointing at the tall cowboy, "Owe me a piggy back ride."

"Oh, come ON!" He exclaimed, "That was cheating!"

"There were no rules!" Zell snapped back, still laughing, "How can you cheat if there are no rules!"

Irvine sputtered a few nonsense words before finally spitting out, "It just is, okay!"

"Well, _now_ I think I have a broken tail bone," I said, matter-of-factly, "So I believe you have to give me a piggy back ride anyway."

Irvine looked away from Zell and at my prone form warily, and I gave my best pouty expression back at him. Finally, he relented - "Alright, alright," he said – and bent over to allow me to climb on his back.

"Pretty nimble for someone with a broken tail bone," he remarked once I was firmly entrenched there.

"Oh, the pain!" I bemoaned dramatically, "It burns deeply and terribly and-"

"Okay, okay" he interrupted me, "I get it."

"Good," I said simply, sticking out my tongue at him.

"Stop sticking your tongue out at me." He replied immediately.

"How-" I said, bewildered as to how he knew, since I had done so behind his back.

"Darlin'," He said, his cowboy bravado in full gear, "I better know you well enough to know when you're sticking your tongue out at me. Otherwise I don't think I'd allow this level of physical contact."

I laughed.

And then knocked his cowboy hat off his head.

Zell shook his head at both of his, grinning inanely at our antics.

------------------------

(Cid POV)

Today I received an envelope in the mail.

This, in itself, is not very unusual. I receive many envelopes in the mail every day. Some envelopes, I'd just as soon wish stayed with their senders, others I'm glad they came, but regret the contents of them all the same. This particular envelope, however, filled me with joy the moment I saw the names in the top left corner.

Squall Leonheart and Rinoa Heartilly.

It had pained me to let Squall go. Hell, it had pained me to let him go only figuratively, when Laguna requested his presence in Esthar to tell Squall that he, Laguna, was Squall's father. I had always felt like a father to Squall, as he had been with me since he was a little boy. I bought him his first gunblade, a toy plastic affair from an antique toy shop. It wasn't until recently that they started developing toy gunblades again. It wasn't until after Squall.

He loved the thing immediately, Squall did. He went off playing with it as often as he could, as often as Ellone wasn't there to keep his attention. He loved the fact that it was different than everyone else's toys. He wouldn't show it off, but the other children knew he had it, and knew he loved it. There would be endless nights when he would take it down by the beach, battling a hundred imagined foes that were trying to invade the orphanage's shores.

Seifer, of course, demanded one soon after. He couldn't stand someone – especially Squall – having something special. He would either find a way to taunt the children about it, or find a way to have his own – each option robbed the special item of its uniqueness. That was how Seifer gained his power. There were no more gunblade toys around, though. So, of course, Seifer had to fashion his own, and the sounds of the two fighting each other – Squall with his plastic, Seifer with his carved driftwood – I can remember to this day. I had always hoped they would have a positive impact on each other. But, I suppose, that was just an old man's folly.

It hurt me to let Squall go to Laguna, because of these very memories, even if they were ones I considered my own mistakes. But, at the same time, I knew an even greater mistake would be to not allow Squall to know of his family.

It hurt me, but moreso it hurt Garden, to let Squall go from its halls. The memories of Squall I had at the orphanage were memories of hopes and dreams of what Squall would grow to be. The memories of Squall I have at Garden were memories of him as a man, memories of the things he accomplished and the person he became.

I will never forget the speech he made to us during our battle with Galbadia's Garden. I heard in him a different man than I had ever heard before, everyone here did. They heard a determined Squall, one who empathized with us, who was proud of us, who fought with us. Squall always had the uncanny ability to inspire someone, merely by giving them the briefest of acknowledgments. This was an acknowledgment to every student and SeeD at Garden, and they responded with inspired fervor that tipped the battle in our favor. I cannot think of the moment without crying.

Yes, it hurt us all to let Squall leave our halls. But, at the same time, I knew an even greater mistake would be no to allow Squall to pursue the single thing that had given him the power to make such an inspiring speech.

Rinoa.

The girl is somewhat of an enigma, much like Squall. But, whereas Squall was an outward callousness covering an inspiring, yet scared, interior, Rinoa was the exterior of a naïve, happy extrovert covering a worried, yet nurturing interior. Their exteriors should have put them off each other, but the way their interiors – the people they truly were – interacted the night of that first dance... Well, the cliché would be that the rest is history.

I received this envelope in the mail today, from the two of them. An invitation to their wedding. I had seen all the students around Garden happily holding theirs close to them. Even hardened SeeDs, keeping the things safe in their interior jacket pockets, but there was something special about the ones those closest to Squall had received. Included in them was a small slip of paper, I assume it was included by Rinoa, but it was written by Squall and it told each of us why Squall wanted us to be there.

Myself, I wish I could have read mine, but I couldn't make it past the second sentence.

_Cid Laif_._ Because he is my father_.

I can only hope I have the both of them in my life for a long time, to create even more wonderful memories of them.


End file.
